


In Which Shadowjack Watches Sailor Moon

by Shadowjack



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Abridged Style, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Chatlog style, Comedy, Comic, F/F, F/M, Fan Comics, Frell, Gen, Goddamn Princess Wand, Illustrations, Let's Watch, M/M, Memes, Multi, Naru's Mom is Secretly Queen Beryl, Other, Parody, Rehosted From Elsewhere, Rewrite, Role-Playing Game Style, Screenplay/Script Format, Shipping, Special Edition With Director's Commentary, Stereotypes, Too Many References to Other Fandoms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2009-08-17
Updated: 2009-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 43,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23950483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowjack/pseuds/Shadowjack
Summary: It was supposed to be a simple reaction thread, as I watchedSailor Moonfor the first time......it rapidly mutated into a full-bore, cross-media, ship filled, fourth-wall obliterating parodyrewrite, done episode by episode on the fly, never knowing what jokes would be invalidated by the next episode's revelations."I am the terror, that trips in the night! I am the pebble in the high-heeled boot of crime! I AM SAILOR MOON!"Originally posted on RPG.net since 2009, now being rehosted here. Includes the cartoons, and links back to the original discussion threads.(31 MAY 2020: Currently up to Episode 24.)
Relationships: Chiba Mamoru/Hino Rei, Chiba Mamoru/Hino Rei/Tsukino Usagi, Chiba Mamoru/Tsukino Usagi, Hino Rei/Mizuno Ami, Hino Rei/Tsukino Usagi, Kunzite/Zoisite, Nephrite/Osaka Naru, Osaka Naru/Umino Gurio
Comments: 16
Kudos: 36





	1. EPISODE #1: Crybaby Usagi's Magnificent Transformation

**Author's Note:**

> This is a rehosting of a series I’ve been posting intermittently on RPG.net since 2009, which has turned out to be probably the most popular bit of art or writing I’ve ever done. (Someone even, I am told, started a TVTropes page.) It originally was _intended_ to be a watch-along thread for **_Sailor Moon_**. You know the sort of discussion thread, where I would be watching the series for the first time, and post my impressions and predictions episode by episode.
> 
> This simple plan somehow rapidly mutated into a complicated episode-by-episode _rewrite_ , each episode converted into a series of comedy sketches, cartoons, fourth-wall obliterating jokes, shameless shipping, too many references to other media to even begin to catalog, and on a couple of occasions full-bore _iambic pentameter_. All with its own twisted alternative continuity, that had to stretch under the strain of me never knowing which of my jokes the next episode would invalidate.
> 
> The time between episodes also stretched out interminably, to the point that I was doing complete review threads of entirely different shows in between Sailor Moon episodes.
> 
> As of this writing, over the years I have “reviewed” the first four seasons of **_Sailor Moon Classic_** (which when I started was simply **_Sailor Moon_** ) – Japanese dub, various sub sources – plus a few volumes of the manga. It is possible that I will have “recapped” season 5 by 2030, but I make no promises. Links are included in each episode write-up, if you want to follow the original discussions – or keep reading past the point that I’ve managed to rehost here.
> 
> People have been asking for _ages_ that I somehow rehost these for easier reading (and fix the image links that Photobucket killed off), so here they are, mostly as originally written and illustrated. I did make a few minor edits here and there, but resisted the urge to continuity-correct or rewrite the rewritings further. And, hoo boy howdy, do some of my early cartoons cause me pain to look at a decade-plus later, but I’ve left them as is, too, in all their scratchy glory.
> 
> For new readers and old, I hope you enjoy this ride.
> 
> I owe many thanks to:
> 
>   * Takeuchi-sensei and the original production team at Toei Animation.
>   * Whatever shady bootlegger produced that first batch of DVDs I unwittingly bought off Amazon Marketplace so many years ago.
>   * Everyone in the original threads, of course.
>   * Fellow forumite Peter Svensson, for hooking me up with the missing episodes.
>   * Fellow forumite [DarkStarling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkstarling/) for giving me the necessary boot to finally begin rehosting and archiving these. DarkStarling also assisted on converting the text for episodes 14 through 24.
> 

> 
> As of 31 May 2020, I've uploaded here the first 24 episodes and the first illustrated recap.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Usagi doesn't pay attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had forgotten that this is one of those Japanese series that _loves_ the absurdly long titles.
> 
> Originally uploaded 17 AUG 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10777294>.

### OPENING TITLES:

I’m always surprised that the music is a _march_ , and I want to hear an industrial remix of it for the culture shock factor alone. The imagery includes the usual protagonist headshots and pan-arounds, but it starts with a city in flames, and progresses through weird Middle-Eastern/Orthodox buildings painted like circus tents (Dylath-Leen? Ulthar?), dancing masks and shadows, rose blossoms, and three Sailors marching through a moonlit night against a demonic queen. Which alerts new viewers that there will be more to the show than what one gets in the opening of the first episode, which is a goofball teenager whining at her mother. I observe that only three of the kids are in the credits, but I know there are more of them, so I predict the credits will change up later in the show.

### INTRODUCTION:

“My name is Usagi Tsukino, I’m 14 years old, in the 8th grade, and an enormous crybaby, so you can’t say I didn’t warn you.” And people thought Shinji was bad. Usagi is also gluttonous, willful, impulsive, whiny, late for everything, and lucky to be making a C-average in school; the most impressive thing about her is her hair. Naturally, she’ll become a hero.

### HERO MOMENT #1:

Without Hesitation or Concern for her personal Safety, young Tsukino rescues a stray Cat from durance vile.

### RPG MOMENT #1:

GM: “The cat does a wire fu escape move, then stops and stares at you, with what seems to be intellig–”

Usagi: “I don’t have time for this! I’m late for school!” *runs off*

GM: “Sigh.”

### CUT TO: Break time at school.

Naru, Usagi’s BFF: “Did you know that Townsville has its own superhero now? ‘Sailor V’!”

Usagi: “Masked crimefighters now? Well, it’s the right decade for it, what with the end of the millennium and all.”

Umino, 14 year old boy and enormous dork (but I repeat myself): “Hi everybody!”

Umino /has a blatant crush on Usagi.

Naru /girltalk.

Usagi /girltalk.

Umino /feels utterly left behind by all the girltalk.

{Naru has left the scene.}

{Usagi has left the scene.}

### CUT TO: CREEPIEST EVIL SKULL CAVE.

Queen Beryl, love child of Titania and Shub-Niggurath: “We can’t summon Cthulhu until we find the MacGuffin, but He still needs to be fed.”

Jadeite, pretty boy Aryan faerie: “I’ve already implemented a 12-point plan to leech energy from mortals and transfer–”

Beryl /is playing WoW on her crystal ball. “Hmm? What?”

Jadeite: “…At once, milady.”

### CUT TO: Naru’s mom’s jewelry store.

Naru: “Wow, Mom is working the sales floor today like a woman possessed.”

Usagi: “I didn’t know they even HAD ‘95% off’ sales!”

Naru and Usagi watch the stampede of women (no men?) toward the counter.

Naru: “…You want to be the first?”

Usagi: “…I just remembered that I’m flat broke, and my folks are going to kill me for this bad test score.”

Naru: “Be strong, Usagi!”

_While exiting the store, Usagi trips over Mamoru Chiba, intrepid _Miami Vice_ cosplayer. It is irritation at first sight._

### META MOMENT #1:

Usagi: “There’s a ‘Sailor V’ video game _already?_ Awesome! Wait, no, they probably just slapped the label on some sucky beat-em-up that was already in development, and rushed it out the door to cash in. Crap. I wish I was a glamorous superhero instead of a _miserable failure at life_. I think I’ll have a good cry.”

### CUT TO: Another beautiful watercolor establishing shot.

Mom: “How was school?”

Usagi: “Fine.”

Mom: “How did you do on the test?”

Usagi: “Uh…”

Mom /fixed smile. {Mom sense is tingling.}

Usagi /sighs and forks over. “…Thirty percent.”

Usagi /cringes expectantly.

Mom /locks Usagi out of the house. Forever.

Usagi /cries.

Usagi’s little brother /Nelsons.

### MEANWHILE: Back at Ackbar’s Discount Jewelry.

Everybody wearing the suspiciously inexpensive jewelry swoons, and falls comatose. (Elsewhere, Jadeite nods approvingly at the increased energy flow rate.) Naru is horrified, and looks to Mom for help. Mom unmasks as a demon from hell. Naru fails her stress check.

### MEANWHILE: Usagi’s bedroom.

Homework or sleep? Usagi is a master of avoidant behavior. She looks very pretty and vulnerable while sleeping. The weird cat breaks in and stalks up to the bed, very slowly…

Usagi /wakes up and boggles.

Luna: “Hi! I’m a talking cat. Thanks for saving me, and I’m glad I found you, because together, we’re going to save the world!”

Usagi: “Hi. I’m Usagi, and I’m obviously insane or dreaming. Good night.”

Luna /tries to wake her up by doing that cat thing with the paws kneading on the head.

Usagi /has iron willpower.

Luna: “Sigh. Will you do it for a Scooby Snack?”

### RPG MOMENT #2:

Luna fits Usagi for the Lens. Usagi is so busy fiddling with her new trinket that she completely misses Luna’s boxed text briefing. The GM sighs and skips to the end: “Just say the magic words.”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 1.

_Usagi is now wearing a teenager’s idea of an adult’s idea of a bulletproof schoolgirl outfit._

Usagi /wtf.

Luna: “Should have paid attention, kid.”

Usagi: {Spider sense is tingling.} “Naru’s in trouble!”

### CUT TO: Ackbar’s Discount Jewelry.

Naru: “Mommy?!”

Demon: “–is tied up in the basement in case I needed her, but since I’m just about done here, I think I’ll throttle you right now, then go down and finish her off slowly.”

Usagi /bursts in, dramatically lit. “Freeze, motherfucker!”

Demon /does that utterly creepy thing where the head twists slowly around 180°, and stares. “What did you say?”

Naru /slumps conveniently unconscious.

Usagi: “I am the loose heel on the pumps of Crime, the red dot of the laser pointer that flashes in the eyes of the Un-Just: I AM SAILOR MOON.”

Demon: “Sailor who on the what now?”

Usagi: “Er… like, I’m a superhero?”

Demon: “Minions, seize her!”

### FIGHT SEQUENCE:

An entire room of smiling, brainwashed yuppies, schoolgirls, and fat old ladies tries to shank Usagi to death. Usagi staggers into a corner and cries. Enter Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, armed with +3 blessed throwing roses.

Tuxedo Mask: “Stop crying!”

Usagi /cries. “I can’t help it! I’m 14 years old and an enormous dork!”

Luna: “Stop crying!”

Usagi /cries. “Brilliant plan, dragging me in here with no combat training!”

Demon: “For God’s sake, stop crying!”

Usagi /cries even louder. Her Limit Break causes the minions to fall unconscious, thus demonstrating that sometimes crying _does_ help.

Luna: “Use your finishing move!”

Usagi: “Wait, I’m allowed to _start_ with that?”

Luna: “HELL YES.”

` **USAGI > TECH: MOONTIARA > DEMON** `

``

<< Demon is slain. >>

``

`<< Usagi has leveled up! New technique learned. >>`

### ELSEWHERE: The energy flow has been cut off.

Jadeite: “Eh? What just happened here?”

### DENOUEMENT:

Exit Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, with a swirl of his cape. Usagi instantly conceives an enormous crush. Cut to school the next day:

Naru: “Last night I had the weirdest nightmare.”

Schoolgirl #1: “Me too!”

Schoolgirl #2: “Me three!”

Usagi: “Last night I didn’t get much sleep.”

Naru: “Also, my neck _really hurts_ for some reason.”

Schoolgirl #2: “Say, where’s your mom, anyway?”


	2. EPISODE #2: Punish Them! The House of Fortune is the Monster Mansion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Umino is a bad boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dude, way to spoil things!
> 
> Originally uploaded 17 AUG 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10777327>.

### RECAP:

“I’m Usagi Tsukino, and this episode is a recap for those of you who missed the first one, with some minor character development to justify it all!”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 1 full, 1 partial.

### TODAY:

Jadeite likes to walk the world dressed like one of the aliens from _Dark City_ , and why not? “Mister Leech” observes that humans will pay good money for street corner fortune tellers. Will they pay good _souls?_ It’s worth a try.

### CUT TO: First period at school.

Usagi: “If no one notices me sneaking into class late, I just might–”

Umino: “HELLO USAGI HOW ARE YOU TODAY LOL”

Usagi: “Frell!”

### LATER AT SCHOOL:

Umino: “I want to have Usagi’s babies.”

Naru /dies.

Naru: “I really shouldn’t laugh, but you haven’t a chance.”

Umino: “I made a Flash animation that says Usagi should marry me, and Flash never lies.”

Naru: “This is 1992. I don’t think Flash was out yet.”

Umino: “Macromind Director, then.”

Naru: “On a hand-held?”

Umino: “I made an Etch-a-Sketch Animator animation that–”

Naru: “This is out of my league. Why not ask a fortune teller?”

I had an Etch-a-Sketch Animator, but it never told me to marry anyone. :(

### CUT TO: The Fortune Teller

Usagi: “Say, you’re the famous street corner fortune teller. Where’s the usual big line?”

Old Man: “Sigh… times are tough. Everyone’s at the new place across the street.”

Usagi: “What new place?”

Old Man /points. {You see a neon sign that reads: ACKBAR’S HOUSE OF HONEST FORTUNE TELLING}

Usagi: “The laser light show I can understand, but the dancing girls seem a little over the top.”

Old Man: “This, too, shall pass. But in the mean time, my take is a little down today.”

Usagi: “Well, I’m a traditionalist at heart! Read my fortune, padre!”

Old Man /observes Umino entering the rival building, and puts two and two together.

Old Man: “Someone you see every day has a crush on you.”

Usagi: “AWESOME.” /tips extra.

### INTRODUCING: Usagi’s Crush

Motoki, video arcade operator with tousled hair: “Gosh, geewillikers, Miss Usagi, sure is nice of you to drop by every day.”

Usagi: “BLISS.”

Motoki: “Here, why don’t you try the new Sailor V video game?”

Usagi /plays, dies repeatedly.

Usagi: “I knew this game would be a crappy beat-em-up. Yet I can’t stop dropping quarters on it. Why am I still here?”

Motoki: “You seem to be having a little trouble, miss. How about I sit here right next to you and help you out?”

Usagi: “BLISS.”

Luna /CAT STARE.

Luna /CAT STARE.

Luna /CAT STARE.

Luna /CAT BITE.

Usagi: “…Oh, right, hero stuff. Gotta go.”

### AND THEN:

Distracted by the allure of the new fortune telling emporium, Usagi trips over Mamoru again.

Mamoru: “Hey!”

Usagi: “Hey yourself!”

Mamoru: “You threw a shoe at me!”

Usagi: “I was doing that thing where you kick the shoe into the air and look at what way up it landed.”

Mamoru: “?”

Usagi: “Like heads or tails, but I’m broke, so I don’t have a coin to toss.”

Mamoru: “??”

Usagi: “It’s a Japanese thing, I swear.”

Mamoru: “ _I’m_ Japanese.”

Usagi: “Well, then you know all about it!”

Mamoru: “You threw a shoe at me!”

### INSIDE Ackbar’s House of Honest Fortune Telling

Fortune Teller Lady: “Look into my beautiful gypsy eyes, dahlink.”

Umino: “Okay!”

Fortune Teller Lady: “Your card is XV, ‘The Devil.’ Observe the Horned Goat of Mendes, with wings like those of a bat, standing on an altar. At the pit of his stomach is the sign of Mercury. The right hand is upraised and extended, being the reverse of that benediction which is given by the Hierophant. In the left hand there is a giant flaming torch, inverted toward the earth. A reversed pentagram is on the forehead. There is a ring in front of the altar, from which two chains are carried to the necks of the two figures, male and female. Hereof is the chain and fatality of the material life. The figures are tailed, to signify the animal nature, but there is human intelligence in the faces, and he who is exalted above them is not to be their master forever. Even now, he is also a bondsman, sustained by the evil that is in him and blind to the liberty of service. Commonly this card represents violent force or extraordinary efforts, or that calamity which is predestined and therefore not necessarily evil. Others say this signifies the Dweller on the Threshold without the Mystical Garden when those are driven forth therefrom who have eaten the forbidden fruit.”

Umino: “What does this mean for my problem?”

Fortune Teller Lady /eyes glow. “You are an excellent servant of evil! Do whatever you desire!”

Umino /evil. “ _Excellent._ ”

### I do like the spotlight effect in the bumpers.

### ON THE WAY HOME:

Usagi bumps into Dad, and is inspired to Oedipal reminsicence about Motoki.

Dad: “Sorry to interrupt your internal monologue, dear, but why is that cat following us and muttering exasperated curses under its breath?”

Usagi: “The cat’s my friend.”

Dad: “You have some strange friends.”

### THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL:

Naru: “Umino told me he has a crush on you.”

Usagi: “Oh GAWD.”

Enter Umino, wearing a powder blue suit and Garren Lagann sunglasses.

Usagi: “…That’s not dress code.”

Umino: “Hey, babe, sleep with me tonight.”

Usagi /boggles.

Naru: “Who are you, and where you have tied up the real Umino?”

Usagi: “I thought you didn’t remember the events of last week?”

Naru: “What?”

Usagi: “Never mind.”

Umino: “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you two over the sound of how AWESOME I am.”

### A REIGN OF TERROR:

Umino attempts to convey evil laughter, but his voice hasn’t broken yet, so it simply sounds manic. Undaunted, Umino and his NEW GANG proceed to repeatedly sexually harass their teacher, vandalize the school grounds, and smoke reefers (the devil’s weed). Jadeite cheerfully draws upon “the rebellious energy of the young.”

### THEN:

Umino attempts to violate Usagi’s purity.

Umino: “I’m going to kiss you while my GANG watches, and you can’t stop me.”

Usagi /cries even louder.

` **USAGI > TECH: CRYBABY > ALL ENEMIES** `

`<< Umino and Gangsters suffer 100 sonic damage. >>`

`<< Umino and Gangsters retreat. >>`

Usagi: “Done crying now.”

Naru: “You’re _weird._ ”

Usagi: “But if it works…”

### SEARCHING FOR CLUES:

Luna: {Cat sense is tingling.} “This is not simply youthful high spirits. I sense dark forces at work.”

Usagi: “The new fortune teller?”

Luna: “Top of my list. Good guess.”

Usagi: “Do I get a prize? Give me another magic item!”

Luna: “What? No. Hell, no.”

Usagi: “Do I really _have_ to fight the–?”

Luna: “Yes. Now transform!”

Usagi: “Uh… I forgot the magic words.”

Luna: “Sigh.”

### STARKLY KLAATU TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 2 full, 1 partial.

### BOSS FIGHT:

Fortune Teller Lady: “Now, my faithful servants, you have reached level 8, and I shall teach you _real_ spells.”

Usagi: “Halt, evil-doers! I am the sticky record button on your cassette recorder that erases the favorite songs on the mix tape of Crime: I AM SAILOR MOON!”

`<< Fortune Teller Lady transforms into Medusoid Demon! >>`

`<< Demon attacks Sailor Moon with ninja throwing cards! >>`

`<< Sailor Moon dodges, barely. >>`

Luna: “Don’t waste your time with the dramatic entrances, just shoot her!”

Usagi: “Sorry, got excited!”

Demon: “Seize her, my minions!”

Usagi: “What, again?”

`<< Umino and his GANG transforms into Zombie Vampires! >>`

`<< Zombie Vampires perform a dance. >>`

Usagi: “If you guys don’t back off, I’ll hit you! I mean it! Don’t come one step closer! Okay, I’ll count to three, and… Oh, hell, I’m gonna die.”

Enter Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, armed with +3 blessed throwing roses.

Tuxedo Mask: “Never give up!”

Exit Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, with swirl of cape.

Usagi: “BLISS.”

`<< Demon attacks Sailor Moon with strangling locks. >>`

`<< Sailor Moon dodges, barely. >>`

Luna: “JUST BLAST HER.”

Usagi: “Right! Moon Ti– SHIT!”

`<< Demon attacks Sailor Moon with strangling locks. >>`

`<< Sailor Moon dodges. >>`

Usagi (very rapidly): “MOONTIARAACTION!”

` **USAGI > TECH: MOONTIARA > DEMON** `

`<< Demon is slain, slowly, painfully. >>`

### ELSEWHERE:

Jadeite: “Another one?” *flips switch on and off a couple of times* “Huh.”

### DENOUEMENT:

Naru: “No, seriously, you were flipping up the teacher’s skirt and everything. Hello Kitty panties, not that I’ll admit to looking. You really don’t remember?”

Umino: “No. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go commit suicide now.”

Enter Usagi.

Usagi: “Back to normal, Umino?”

Umino: “You know, I should be more like you, Usagi.”

Usagi: “?”

Umino: “You fail tests all the time and you keep smiling like there’s nothing wrong with that!”

Usagi: “??”

Umino: “I’m strong enough to face the music! I WILL survive!”

Exit Umino.

Naru: “This episode was kind of poorly paced, wasn’t it?”

Usagi: “I forget, did we ever untie your mother and let her out of the basement?”

Naru: “…I _assume_ so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s about all there is to say about that one.


	3. EPISODE #3: Mysterious Sleeping Illness, Protect the Girls' Hearts in Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sailor Moon combats pirate radio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally uploaded 18 AUG 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10785373>.

### RECAP:

“My name is Usagi Tsukino, and I’m a Cancer, Blood Type O, and my birthstone is pearl. Birthday presents may be sent to—”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 2 full, 2 partial.

### LENG:

Queen Beryl, still grinding on WoW: “Jadeite! Daddy’s hungry for more souls. What’s the hold up?”

Jadeite, smiling gamely: “My most humble apologies, your Terrible Majesty. We have encountered a few unavoidable difficulties, but my associate informs me with confidence that we can meet our projections by the target date.”

Queen Beryl: “Don’t try to shove this off on your minions, Jadeite. This had better work, for _your_ sake.”

### CUT TO: What must be Tokyo, because there’s the Tokyo Radio Tower. Unless it moves when no one is watching, like the Eiffel Tower.

RADIO DJ: “This is DJ J-Dite bringing to you soothing easy listening music, and the Midnight Voyeur Show, in which we read our loyal listeners' letters of looooove on the air. Send your contributions to [insert address], and our favorite letterwriters will receive a flower brooch that guarantees romantic dreams. Tonight’s winner, Ms. Haruna from—”

### TSUKINO RESIDENCE: _Well_ after bedtime.

Usagi /listening to the radio. “SO ROMANTIC.”

Usagi: “What a funny coincidence; Haruna is my teacher’s name. No way she wrote that letter, though, she’s an ice-cold–”

Luna: “HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN!”

Usagi: “You’re not my mother!”

Luna: “BED. NOW. Or I’ll piddle on your comic books.”

Usagi: “Good night!”

### TSUKINO RESIDENCE: Morning.

Dad: “It says in the paper that there’s a mysterious sleeping sickness going around. Wish I’d catch it; then maybe I could stay home from work.”

Mom /high horse. “What do you mean stay home from work! Look, Mister, you have a responsibility to—”

Dad: “Kidding! Kidding! I love my crappy job!”

Luna: “So _that’s_ where Usagi gets it from!”

Mom: “Now, open wide, Mommy’s got to feed you breakfast to keep your strength up.”

Dad: “Yes, but who feeds Mommy to keep _her_ strength up?”

Mom: “Does Daddy have any suggestions?”

Luna: “…”

{Luna has left the scene.}

Mom: “If you don’t stop that, you’ll be late for work.”

Dad: “I might call in. I do feel kind of feverish—”

Usagi /runs in. “I OVERSLEPT AGAIN OH SHIT OH SHIT WHY DIDN’T ANYONE WAKE MEEEEE AAAAAGGH GOTTA GO GOTTA GO GOOD MORNING LOVE YOU BYE!”

{Usagi has left the scene.}

Dad: “…Usagi was still here?”

Mom: “…Apparently so?”

### AT SCHOOL: The teacher is mysteriously late.

Usagi: “YES! God is on my side!”

Naru: “What if something bad happened to her?”

Usagi: “I could never be _that_ lucky.”

Ms. Haruna, their bubbly redheaded teacher, suddenly staggers into the room, mutters something incoherent about independent study, then passes out. Her clothes are dishevelled, and she’s wearing a weird flower brooch.

The entire class is utterly, totally shocked.

Usagi: “Oh, shit, He heard me!”

Umino: “Usagi-sama! What happened to her!”

Usagi: “(Usagi- _sama?_ ) Why ask _me?_ ”

Usagi: “Is it really _that_ exhausting to be a teacher?”

Every Teacher in the School: “YES.”

Naru: “There was something in the news about a sleeping sickness.”

Usagi: “That’d be nice. Sleep is like a religion for me. You could stay in your dreams forever ‘n’ ever ‘n’ ever…”

Naru /man what

Naru: “Shouldn’t we call 911?”

### MEANWHILE: Luna takes herself for a walk.

Luna: “Razzin‘-frazzin’ twerp kid, forgets the magic words, can’t fight, failing _Japanese_ class for God’ssake, and does the cat get paid for babysitting her? Nooooo. I work pro bono. And do I get any thanks?”

Motoki: “Hello, Luna!”

Luna: “Aw, fuck! I mean, meow! Meow!”

Motoki: “I operate a video arcade. I have seen a _lot_ weirder people than talking cats.”

Luna: “…”

Motoki: “Looks like business is slow today, you’ve got something on your mind, and I’ve got a fresh bottle of milk that’s too big for me to finish by myself. Want to pull up a bowl and talk about it?”

Luna: “…Set me up, bartender.”

### SCHOOL ENDED EARLY: Why is there an 80s street gang in the foreground of this conversation?

Usagi: “So, did your Mom ever turn up?”

Naru: “Yeah, she was off at her boyfriend’s again. Frankly, I don’t mind so much; for some reason these days I get uncomfortable whenever she gets close to me. (And my neck starts to hurt again.) Anyway, she’s out buying handcuffs today.”

Usagi: “Handcuffs?”

Naru: “I heard her arguing about it with her boyfriend.” (Stage whispers.) “I think it’s a _sex_ thing!”

Usagi: “…Why would you use handcuffs in sex? _How_ would you?”

Naru: “ _I don’t know._ It’s been bugging me all day. If only there was some way for kids to look these things up.”

Usagi: “Speaking of boyfriends, did I see you writing a love letter? You found a guy!”

Naru: “Not yet. But I’m sending it in the Midnight Voyeur Show anyway. We’ll say it’s for my ‘future boyfriend.’ Have _you_ found a guy, Usagi?”

Usagi: “Come on, Naru, it’s not like you trip over hot guys every day.”

Usagi trips over Mamoru, and to everyone’s astonishment there is no panty shot when she falls down.

Mamoru /recovers swiftly. “What, again? Maybe you should install radomes in your hairstyle.”

Naru: “Ooh, he’s HAWT.”

Usagi /flips the bird. “ASSHOLE! PRICK! BASHI-BAZOUK!”

### MEANWHILE AT RADIO 10 FM

Station Manager: “More fan mail? But we’re not running a show called the Midnight Voyeur or whatever the hell it is!”

Assistant Manager: “Maybe we _should._ ”

Station Manager: “What do we do with all this crap?”

Poison Ivy: “I’ll take care of it, chief.”

Station Manager: “Wowzers. When did we hire _her?_ ”

Assistant Manager: “Who cares?”

### THAT NIGHT:

Luna: “You’re writing a love letter to someone who doesn’t exist so you can get on some dumb radio show?”

Usagi: “SHUT. UP.”

Luna: “Jeez, okay. Seems harmless enough, I guess.”

Usagi: “…”

Luna: “What’s the matter?”

Usagi: “…I’m such a slacker, I can’t even bring myself to start _my own_ writing assignment.”

Luna: “Self-awareness is the first step towards personal growth.”

Usagi: “But procrastination is more fun! Let’s stalk the radio station!”

### TWENTY MINUTES LATER:

Usagi: “…The guard said there’s no such show.”

Luna: “I know there’s such a show. I’ve spayed at you enough about it.”

Usagi: “The guard was lying, then!”

Luna: “Your primitive Earth ‘newspaper’ agrees with him, though. Look at the listing.”

Usagi: “Midnight to 12:30, Channel 10, ‘Cook With Michiba-sama.’”

Luna: “It’s a pirate radio station! Either that, or…”

### DUN DUN DUN!

All the night personnel are unconscious. In the radio room is Jadeite; at the sound board, Poison Ivy.

Jadeite: “Tonight’s winner is Naru from…”

### THE NEXT DAY: At school.

Schoolgirls: “ZOMG Naru you won the brooch?! You should like totally try it on now!”

Naru /puts on brooch.

{Naru instantly falls unconscious.}

Usagi /tries to wake up Naru.

{Usagi instantly falls unconscious.}

Everyone in the room backs up. WAY up.

### DREAMLAND: Usagi has a wet dream about Tuxedo Mask.

Tuxedo Mask: “It’s terribly comfortable. I think in the future everyone will wear one.”

Usagi: “Take it off, baby.”

### QUARANTINE WARD, GOTHEM CENTRAL HOSPITAL:

Luna /CAT BITE.

Usagi: “GAAAAH! I’M AWAKE! …??? …Couldn’t you have waited another thirty seconds? …What happened?”

Luna /explains.

Luna: “Naru’s still out cold. Think we’ve got a case?”

Usagi: “I think someone played…” :shades: “…one show too many.”

### ELSEWHERE:

Jadeite: “ _Very_ impressive results, Poison Ivy. I commend you.”

Poison Ivy: “And they said a degree in Communication wouldn’t be good for anything.”

Jadeite: “I think I’ll let you choose the position tonight.”

Poison Ivy: “ _Thank you_ , sir.”

### OUTSIDE RADIO 10:

Luna: “Here’s how we sneak in:”

Usagi: “A vibr–?”

Luna: “A _pen._ It’s a _pen._ (That doesn’t write.)”

Usagi: “Okay, let’s give it a shot: ‘MAKE ME A BEAUTIFUL NEWSCASTER!’”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 2 full, 2 partial.

Usagi into Disguise Form: 1.

### VOILA! Usagi is now a frizzy-haired morning show personality.

Luna: “You don’t have to specify ‘beautiful’, you know.”

Usagi: “What’s the point otherwise? Let’s go.”

Usagi /sashays.

Luna: “I’m surprised. She actually has the attitude–”

Usagi /trips over her high heels.

Luna: “–down.”

### INSIDE:

Usagi /eyes Jadeite. “Ooh, he’s KEWT.”

Luna: “Focus!”

Usagi: “Right!”

Usagi /walks right into the booth.

Poison Ivy: “Er… hey!”

Jadeite: “Tonight, we– who the hell?”

Usagi: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special news flash. Government researchers have determined that the brooches sent from the Midnight Voyeur Show are the source of the mysterious sleeping sickness. If you see any, do not handle them, but contact the authorities immediately!”

Jadeite /flabbergasted. “D- Don’t listen to her!”

Usagi: “Come on, people, it’s obviously a trap! A love letter isn’t good for anything unless you give it to the person yourself!”

Luna: “…Now she believes me!”

{Poison Ivy transforms to demon form.}

Demon /busts in window, sending plexiglass shrapnel everywhere.

Demon /blasts the everlivin' hell out of the control room.

Usagi and Luna miraculously escape to the hallway unscatched.

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 3 full, 2 partial.

Usagi into Disguise Form: 1.

### FACE-OFF:

Usagi: “Trying to ruin girls' dreams of love is abominable! Abominable snowman!”

Luna /man what

Luna: “I am the court summons that comes just before the Un-Just go on vacation: I AM SAILOR MOON.”

Jadeite: “So you’re the one who’s been causing me trouble.”

Usagi: “So you’re the one who’s been causing _me_ trouble.”

Demon: “En guard!”

Usagi: “Hey! We’re in the middle of banter!”

Jadeite: “She never waits in the sack, either.”

### BOSS BATTLE:

Demon /blasts the everlivin' hell out of the hallway.

Usagi and Luna escape through the gaping hole in the ceiling.

Usagi: “I didn’t know I could jump like that!”

Luna: “You think that’s air you’re breathing?”

The battle ranges across several rooftops, as the demon’s bolts blast craters and Usagi displays a remarkable talent for avoiding personal injury.

Luna: “Blast her!”

Usagi: “BOOM!”

` **USAGI > TECH: MOONTIARA > DEMON** `

`<< Demon dodges. >>`

Usagi: “She can do that too?!”

Demon /corners Sailor Moon and is about to claw her face off.

Usagi: “Luna! Help!”

Demon: “Only human.”

Usagi /gets angry.

Usagi: “Dodge _this!_ ”

`<< Moontiara rerolls! >>`

`<< Moontiara hits! Flank attack, x2 damage! >>`

`<< Demon is cut in two! >>`

`<< Demon is slain! >>`

`<< Usagi has leveled up! MOONARANG technique mastered! >>`

Jadeite: “Damn it!” /calms down. “You want to try for me?”

` **USAGI > TECH: MOONARANG > JADEITE** `

`<< Jadeite parries! >>`

` **USAGI > TECH: SV KICK > JADEITE** `

`<< Jadeite blocks! >>`

Luna: “He’s got an AT Field!”

Usagi: “Im… impossible!”

Jadeite /pimp walks forward. Bowchikkawowwow.

Usagi /cringes.

Enter Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, armed with +3 blessed throwing roses.

Exit Jadeite, via black hole. Discretion is the better part of valor.

Tuxedo Mask: “Free your mind, Usagi! BWAHAHAHA!”

Exit Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, with swirl of cape.

Usagi: “His evil laughter is so dreamy…”

### DENOUEMENT: Everyone wakes up, no worse for the wear.

“A mysterious explosion on the top floor of the Radio 10 FM offices damaged several nearby buildings and trapped three workers for several hours last night; they were retrieved with only minor injuries. The government is conducting a full investigation into the events, but express concern at the shoddy construction of the building, a spokesperson said; despite multiple fires and copious smoke, fire alarms and sprinkler systems apparently were never activated.”

Naru: “The radio show’s been cancelled, you don’t have to write a letter now.”

Usagi: “This is a _real_ love letter, and I’m delivering it to Tuxedo Mask in person.”

Naru: “A real one? Oo, lemme read it!” /steals letter.

Usagi: “HEY! Give it back!” /chases.

Ms. Haruna: “Oh, a love letter? I want to see, too!” /joins chase.

Usagi: “Aren’t you supposed to be the voice of authority here?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the episode where I started to sit up and take notice. There was collateral damage, and the authorities were _taking notice of it_. The villain actually didn’t have a clue what the heroes were capable of, and for that matter doesn’t quite grasp how human society works, either.
>
>> **A fan wrote:** This thread motivated me to watch Sailor Moon, which I've never done and have been meaning to see for a while.
> 
> You realize, of course, that I’m actually leeching the soul energy from everyone in this thread to feed my Dark Master. “Otaku are a _powerful_ source of energy.” 


	4. EPISODE #4: Usagi Will Teach You How to Lose Weight!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Luna kicks Usagi's ass. This is the one with the creepy diet pods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on 19 AUG 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10788296>.

### RECAP:

“I’m Usagi Tsukino, and I have a magic cat. Together, we fight crime.”

### BATH TIME: Fan service for hebephiles.

Usagi: “MY LIFE IS OVER! I’ve gained weight.”

Dad and Mom give entirely sensible, proper, and sympathetic advice. Then Nelson throws in an insult, and the dam opens to parental nagging, which reduces Usagi to tears. Can this family be saved?

### BED TIME: Usagi vows to go on a diet.

Luna /is drawing something.

Luna: “Your parents are right. You’re too young to be worrying about dieting; just eat properly and get proper exercise.”

Usagi: “What’s that you’re drawing?”

Luna: “You in six months.” :D

{Usagi sees a drawing of her as a FAT PRINCESS.}

Usagi /murderous rage.

Luna /escapes, slightly bruised. “Worth it! Totally worth it!”

### THE NEXT DAY: At school.

Naru: “Would you mind not drooling in my bento box?”

Usagi: “Sorry. I’m on a diet.”

`<< Girltalk Mode: ON. >>`

Bitchy Girl: “Oh, a diet!”

Chubby Girl: “Oh, I’ve tried everything. It never seems to take.”

All: “We know, dear.”

Bitchy Girl: “The best diet of course would be pining away for love…”

All /ecstatic sigh.

Usagi: “Er… and have you ever?”

Bitchy Girl: “Sigh. No. Not yet.”

All: “We know, dear.”

Bitchy Girl: “What’s THAT supposed to mean?”

Chubby Girl /double-back bitchy. “Don’t feel too bad, dearie. You can’t help the way you were born.”

All: “Fight! Fight!”

Ms. Haruna walks by, eyes sparkling, skirt swishing, long legs, what was I writing again? Oh, yeah.

Naru: “Whoa. How’d she get so thin?”

Usagi: “Thin? She looks the same to me.”

Umino /pops up and provides before-and-after photos of Ms. Haruna from the local gym, neatly categorized, and in various states of deshabile.

Naru: “…Where did you get these?”

Umino: “Er… oops.”

Umino /flees.

And after that, it’s just a chase scene.

Usagi is the first to catch Umino and makes him talk.

Umino: “Thank you for not killing me.”

### GYM SHAPELY: Has a giant video screen running celebrity endorsements.

Usagi: “Look! It’s Vision. I loved her in _Bubblegum Crisis_.”

Bitchy Girl: “If a famous person is endorsing this place, it must be good.”

Naru: “I thought Priss was better. But look, they’re offering free memberships!”

Chubby Girl: “Nothing is cheaper than free!”

### BUT INSIDE: A sinister figure watches from above.

Jadeite: “You mean, nothing costs _more_ than free. Heh heh heh. MUAHAHAHAHA!”

### AFTER DRESSING OUT:

Jadeite, disguised as a pretty boy Aryan aerobics instructor: “Good afternoon, I’m Jeff Shapely, and this is my gym, where our motto is, ‘If you ever stop, you won’t get beautiful! _Ever!_ ’ The first time is free, young ladies, so shall we begin?”

All: “BLUSH.”

Jadeite is actually a good physical trainer, and his staff of pro bodybuilders displays quiet competence. Everyone gets a solid workout.

Jadeite: “Say, what happened to the blonde with the dumb hair?”

Usagi /sneaked out, and went to the jacuzzi.

Jadeite: “Now we shower down with the SHAPE RAY™. Step right up, ladies!”

Chubby Girl: “But they look like…”

Bitchy Girl: “…like…”

Naru: “…evil bodysnatcher pods.”

Jadeite: “It’s a prototype.”

Jadeite: “It’s a new marketing approach?”

Jadeite: “It’s organic, ‘all natural and chemical free.’”

Jadeite: “Look, it’ll make you thin.”

Chubby Girl: “And beautiful?”

Jadeite: “Sure, why not? Get in the pod, untermenschen.”

Jadeite /cues up Daft Punk’s ‘Harder, Faster, Better, Stronger’ on the stereo while the machine spins up.

Jadeite /takes a phone call. “Hello? Ah, excellent well, your Highness! These stupid mortal women are literally willing to kill themselves to lose weight! We’re ahead of schedule! Yes, thank you, your Highness! Fare you well!”

Jadeite /opens up the pods.

The girls stagger out, looking like poster children for world hunger awareness.

Jadeite: “Yes, you’re all looking _so_ beautiful. Come again tomorrow.”

All: “…uh…so beautiful…tomorrow…uh…”

Usagi: “Dude, where’d everybody go?”

### DOWNTOWN:

Usagi mugs a five-year-old kid for his dumplings, and she’s so famished that the kid kicks her ass handily. She trips over Motoki and faints into a sickly romantic dream about him, but before the passionate kiss…

Usagi /wakes up

Usagi: “Awwwwwww, damn i— Hello, Motoki!”

Motoki: “You fainted! Haven’t you been eating well?”

Usagi /explains.

Motoki /stifles laughter. “Actually, I think you could stand to gain a few. I like a girl with meat on her bones.”

Luna: “Oh, Christ.”

Usagi: “That is the greatest thing I have ever heard!”

`> GO TO NEAREST EATERY`

`> BUY DUMPLINGS`

`> DUMPLING PIGOUT`

Enter Mamoru, wearing a Tuxedo, I mean, tuxedo. He indulges in some drive-by heckling, and manages to scam a dumpling out of the deal.

Luna keeps trying to change the subject while Usagi tries to worry herself into every eating disorder in the book. Usagi finally decides to go to Gym Shapely again, which Luna counts as a partial victory, since it’s obviously the bad guy base.

### GYM SHAPELY, AGAIN:

Usagi /exercises. “She’s a maniac, maniac…”

Luna: “I can’t keep watching this.”

Luna: “Eh?”

Luna spots Ms. Haruna, well in the depths of the never attractive but ever popular ‘strung-out heroin addict’ look. She follows her.

Luna: “Where do these stairs go?”

Ms. Haruna: (totally wiped out) “…They go down…?”

Luna: “Thank you.”

Jadeite feeds Haruna into the pods again.

Jadeite: “Looks like this one’s almost done for. Too, too bad. Heh.”

Luna: “USAGI! USAGI! BAD GUYS!”

Usagi: “No time! Exercising!”

Luna /CAT YOWL.

Usagi: “That’s it! You and me! Right here, right now!”

Luna: “You’re on, you brat!”

Luna /utterly dominates Usagi.

Luna: “Oh, sorry, did I not mention that I’m a world-class judoka?”

Luna /extends claws. “ _Now then._ Let us get some things perfectly clear about our relationship.”

Luna: “I AM YOUR CAT. I FUCKIN' OWN YOU.”

Luna: “When I say your job is to _fight demons_ , I expect you to hop to it! And if you don’t, it’s the CLAW for you!”

Luna: “IS. THAT. UNDERSTOOD?”

Usagi: “Eep! YES, MISTRESS!”

Luna /purrs. “Good. Now let’s go save your teacher from herself.”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 4

Usagi into Disguise Mode: 1

_I admit I do like the transformation music. It is peppy!_

### BOSS BATTLE:

Usagi /bursts in, dramatically lit.

Jadeite: “You again.”

Usagi: “Me again. I am the gristle caught in the teeth of Crime, the pebble in the shoe of the Un-Just: I AM SAILOR MOON.”

Jadeite: “Oh, for Evil’s sake. Guards, destroy her!”

Usagi: “Great Clono, those bodybuilders didn’t seem nearly so big in the workout room! Uh, boss? Got a plan?”

Luna: “Mind-control headbands! Zap 'em!”

Usagi: “I think I’d rather run for my life. Which, I note, you are doing as well.”

Luna: “Cat’s perogative. Anyway, you’ll lose weight if you fight.”

Usagi: “ _Really?_ ”

Usagi /stops running.

Dramatic pause.

Usagi /takes the bodybuilders apart, then she takes the headbands apart.

Usagi: “Go back to being good boys!”

Bodybuilders: “Wha happen—?”

Luna: “That’s my girl. (Thank goodness she didn’t think to fight like that with me!)”

### LENG:

Queen Beryl: “I’m impressed, Jadeite, at the amount of energy you recovered. We’ll call this a partial success.”

Jadeite: “Your generosity is legendary, your Terrible Majesty. And I hearby vow to DESTROY this ‘Sailor Moon’ _personally_.”

Queen Beryl: “Spare me the details, I have a raid in ten minutes.”

### TSUKINO RESIDENCE:

Usagi: “AAAGH! I GAINED WEIGHT AGAIN! Wait, it’s muscle. Hmm. Think I’d look good with tone? …You didn’t answer right away. That means you couldn’t bear to answer honestly. OH GOD I’M GOING TO BE A FAT SLOB MY LIFE IS OVER.”

Luna: “And the moral of the story is that sometimes even a mallet isn’t enough to pack a lesson in.”


	5. EPISODE #5: A Monster's Scent! Chanela Steals Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the one with the creepy pets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on 19 AUG 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10788301>.

### RECAP:

“I’m Usagi Tsukino, and no one is paying attention to these anymore!”

### A NIGHTMARE!

And then Tuxedo Mask saves Usagi! But just before the good part—

### USAGI WAKES UP when she hears a scream of terror!

Usagi: “…This is getting to be a habit. Hello?”

Shingo, Usagi’s little brother is ailurophobic, and Luna spent the night in his room. Usagi taunts Shingo.

### BREAKFAST on the Weekend

Usagi: “Hey, can I keep Luna here? Please?”

Luna: “I’ll do my share of the chores, and pitch in on the rent.”

Dad: “Sure!”

Mom: “Why not?”

Shingo: “NO WAY!”

Usagi: “YES WAY!”

Shingo: “NO WAY!”

Usagi: “YES WAY!”

Shingo: “NO WAY!”

Usagi: “YES WAY!”

Shingo: “NO WAY!”

Usagi: “YES WAY!”

Shingo: “NO WAY!”

Mom and Dad: “Work this out yourselves.”

Usagi: “Why’d you sleep in _his_ room, anyway?”

Luna: “Ineffable cat instinct. See, with us, eye contact is considered a challenge, so people who avoid eye contact seem pleasant. That’s why we always try to sit on people who hate us.”

Usagi: “Uh-huh.”

Luna: “Also, I was up all night looking for the Moon Princess, and came back to the wrong room. You both smell similar, you know.”

Usagi: “Right.”

Luna: “I admit catnip might also have been involved. Hey, it was Friday night, gimme a break.”

Usagi: “This Moon Princess thing has nothing to do with me, right?”

Luna: “Of course not.”

### LENG:

Beryl: “Jadeite, new plan?”

Jadeite: “I have a magic iguana.”

### ANOTHER DAY, at school:

Naru: “So Shingo is afraid of cats?”

Usagi: “A cat bit him when he was little.”

Umino: “I got bit by an alligator when I was little. My mom left the hutch near me, and left the latch open.”

Naru: “Gosh, I wonder why?”

### MEANWHILE: Luna tries to ingratiate herself with Shingo.

Shingo: “CAT! CAT! Any animal but a CAT!”

Mika, cute little girl who likes Shingo: “Shoo, kitty. I know where you could get a different pet. Wanna come see?”

### ACKBAR’S HAIRY BUNNY BEASTS: Grand opening!

Shingo: “It looks more like a nightclub than a pet store!”

Shingo /pays the cover.

Poison Ivy’s twin sister: “These are ‘Chanela™’, and we’re selling them at cost because of the impending infringement of trademark suit. And the first one’s free, heh heh heh.”

Shingo and Mika are entranced, and wander off with their new pets in a blind daze, even _ignoring a starving stray puppy._ “As long as we have our chanelas, we don’t need anything else.”

### TSUKINO RESIDENCE:

Luna: “I don’t have to be a house cat, you know. I could sleep on the roof…”

Usagi /parrots one of the Luna’s speeches about never giving up.

Luna: “…Huh. Those speeches really _don’t_ work. But I’ll give it another shot for your sake. Hey, Shingo! How ya—”

Shingo /kicks cat.

Usagi /O_O

Shingo /cruel smile. Freeze-frame. Zooms closer. Closer. Closer.

Usagi /cries.

Shingo /flees.

Luna: “It takes more than that to hurt me!”

### TEATIME!

Shingo: “Chanela will now be my lord and master.”

Dad: “Cute. Cute name.”

### A SCHOOL MORNING: Usagi is actually the first one up.

Usagi: “Sweet revenge!”

Usagi: “Oi! Shingo! Shake it!”

Shingo: (faintly) “I’m not going to school today.”

Usagi /peeks through door.

{Usagi observes that Shingo is making obeisance before the chanela, which is glowing with a light not found in Earthly spectra.}

Usagi: “…Uh oh.”

### THAT DAY AT SCHOOL:

Ms. Haruna: “Okay, everyone, put those stuffed toys away, it’s class time. You! Pay attention to me! Here, give me that silly thing—”

Schoolgirl #3: “HSSSSS. MY PRECIOUS!”

Schoolgirl #3 /does physical harm to Ms. Haruna.

{The addicted students cut school en masse, with their chanelas.}

Naru: “Okay, seriously, they’re not _that_ cute!”

Usagi: “I shall investigate upon my own initiative!”

### ACKBAR’S DOPE BEASTS:

Usagi: “…Now how do I go about this without getting infected myself?”

Mamoru: “Wear gloves?”

Usagi: “YOU?!”

Mamoru: “Just passing by.” /exit.

Usagi: “JEEZ-US, is he stalking me? Creep.”

Luna: “Hello, looks like we reached the same conclusions.”

Usagi: “It’s the pet store, definitely. I guess our only option is to buy one and see what happens.”

Usagi is entranced, and wanders off with her new pet in a blind daze, even _ignoring a hurt crying child._

Luna /applies first aid, then follows Usagi.

Luna: (brainwashed) “I’ll kick you too. I don’t like you.”

Luna: “Heh, she’s already forgotten my skill. Well, it’s not your fault, kiddo.”

Luna /judo disarm move.

Luna /eats the chanela.

Luna: “Ick. All hair, no meat.”

Usagi /blinks and wakes up. “…Wha happen–?”

### QUICKLY! Back home!

Shingo hasn’t eaten, slept, or gone to the bathroom since he brought the Chanela home.

Usagi /SLAP! “Snap out of it, you fool!”

Shingo /flees, with a madman’s strength.

Luna: “Let’s roll!”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 5

Usagi into Disguise Mode: 1

### NIGHT FALLS! CUT TO: Ackbar’s Mind-Control Pod Pets

All the kids are gathered with their chanela, and worship strangely before their new masters.

Poison Ivy’s twin sister: “Spread the pods to every household!”

Usagi: “Frill-necked lizards, Mexican salamanders, and human-faced fish are all mad!”

Amelio: “INDEED!”

PIts /man what

Usagi /bursts in, dramatically framed by the lights of passing cars. Awesome shot.

PIts: “Who are you?!”

Usagi: “I’m Batman!”

`<< PIts transforms into IGUANA! >>`

Usagi: “HOLY—!”

`<< Kids transforms into Lizard Zombie Kids! >>`

`<< Lizard Zombie Kids attack! >>`

Usagi /evades effectively.

Usagi: “Usually this is the point where Tuxedo Kamen enters dramatically and saves me!”

…

…

…

Usagi: “Any time now!”

Luna: “You’re a big girl, you can do it yourself.”

Usagi: “But— damn it, my brother’s in that mob!”

Luna: “So set your tiara for stun!”

Usagi: “There’s a stun mode? Well, in that case…”

` **USAGI > TECH: MOONDUST > ALL ENEMY** `

`<< Lizard Zombie Kids are cured! Return to Kids! >>`

Usagi /decoys IGUANA out into the parking lot.

IGUANA /grapples Sailor Moon with her shapely tail, inventing a new fetish.

Luna: “Push X to not die!”

Usagi /pushes X.

`<< IGUANA is slain! >>`

`<< Usagi has levelled up! New technique mastered! >>`

Amelio /escapes again.

Shingo: “Sailor V! Give me your autograph!”

Usagi /hides face. “I’m not Sailor V, I’m Sailor _Moon_!”

Shingo: “Whoever! Please?”

Usagi: “Okay, Shingo, but only on the condition that you be nice to Luna.”

Shingo: “…How’d you know my name?”

Usagi: “…”

Usagi: “I know everything.”

Shingo: “AWESOME.”

Usagi: “Note to self: get a mask.”

### DENOUEMENT:

Mom: “Welcome to the family, Luna.”

Shingo: “Here, Luna, eat from my plate if you like. More wine? Let me get that for you.”

Luna: “Now _this_ is service!” /scarf scrunch munch yum gulp burp.

Usagi: “Uh-oh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _[Rehostening note: Amelio is an in-joke from the original forums. I’d done a series of cartoons, in which Amelio Axlotl was a recurring villain.]_


	6. EPISODE #6: Protect the Melody of Love! Usagi is a Cupid.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Usagi goes clubbing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not sure Cupid is the Greek god I would invoke, but what the hell.
> 
> Originally posted 22 AUG 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10803065>.

### RECAP

“My name is Luna. I are serious cat and this are serious episode.”

“My name is Usagi Tsukino, and if I’m 14 in 1992, that means I was probably born in 1978. Does that make any of you feel old?”

### THE PLATEAU OF LENG: Is even creepier than before.

But familiar, beautiful classical music fills its halls this time. Even the pipers in the darkness have paused to listen. Queen Beryl is moved to tears by its beauty. Even Jadeite is solemn and respectful.

The music kills flowers via energy drain.

Queen Beryl: “WOW.”

Jadeite: “Yes.”

Queen Beryl: “WOW.”

Jadeite: “Yes!”

Queen Beryl: “WOW.”

Jadeite: “Subliminals!”

Queen Beryl: “I really think you’ve got something here, Jadeite.”

Jadeite: “Best part? It’s transmissable—any tape deck I put it into will repeat the effect on _its_ tapes—”

Queen Beryl: “—’Home taping is **killing**!' I love it. Do it.”

Jadeite: “At once, Your Terribleness. Batgirl!”

Girlbat, another hotcha redhead fae: “Kurane. My name’s Kurane.”

Jadeite: “Yeah, that. Execute my plan with the tape.”

Girlbat: “ _My_ plan with _my_ tape.”

Jadeite: “ _My_ money with _my_ support. Now hop! And don’t forget the words.”

Girlbat: “…Yes, _master_.”

Queen Beryl /muses to self. “Hmm. That’s the third redhead that boy’s used/abused in a row.”

Queen Beryl /has red hair. “I wonder what subconscious motivation could possibly be involved?”

### THAT NIGHT: At Naru’s house.

Naru and Usagi are listening to soulful piano music.

Usagi: “I had no idea you were into contemporary jazz! You’re so mature! So grown-up!”

Naru: “Thank you! If you have any questions about anything, just ask me.”

Usagi: “…”

Usagi: “Questions about what, exactly?”

Naru: “Things. _You_ know.”

Luna /Subject Changing Prana. “So is this Yoko Kanno music? Because it looks like _Cowboy Bebop_ -related album art.”

Usagi: (muttering to self) “I _don’t_ know. Do I _want_ to know?”

Naru: “Nononono, this is Dennis Amade. And he’s _dreamy_. I’d do him in a second.”

Usagi: “I have more realistic romantic targets.”

Luna /bites tongue.

### STANDING IN THE RAIN IS…

Mister Amade, clad in moody sunglasses and trenchcoat, clutching a bouquet of roses. There is no submachinegun hidden in the roses, which is a choice he will come to regret.

A little romantic drama ensues: Amade has fallen in love with his producer, Akiko, who has yet to notice. She’s a charming, slightly plain woman. Without his moody shades and trenchcoat, he’s a pleasant, slightly dull man. He’s come by today to tell her once and for all how he feels. She thinks he’s dropped by to pick up his demo tape, and dashes upstairs to fetch it from the tape deck… and, of course, grabs the Wrong Tape.

Girlbat /is hiding from the scary humans. “Frell!”

Akiko: “Here’s the tape! It sounded wonderful, as always. Oh, damn, I gotta run to a late night meeting. You’re soaked through; were you waiting in the rain? You silly. :) You can borrow my umbrella. I’ll see you next week? And think of a title for it!” /air kisses.

Akiko /dashes.

Amade: “…I _did_ title it.” (The box is labeled “A Waltz for Akiko”.) “You just didn’t notice. Sigh. Serves me right for being indirect.”

Both seem to be nice people who just haven’t connected yet.

### WALKING HOME IN THE RAIN IS… Usagi and Luna.

Usagi: “Oo, video games!”

Luna: “You don’t want to go in an arcade this late at night. Motoki’s told me _stories…_ ”

Amade /trips over Usagi.

Usagi: “ROADHOG! GHERKIN! YOU aren’t that Miami Vice creep?”

Amade: “PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!”

Usagi: “…Beg.”

Luna: “UT!”

Usagi: “Sorry. What’s up, old man?”

Amade /explains. “You’re not going to believe this, but I was walking home, and suddenly I noticed that everything was really dramatically and interestingly lit, and suddenly there were bats everywhere, and then the bats became a girl, and she tried to kill me, and there were shadows and red light and it was the scariest fucking thing I’ve seen in my entire life and I thought this was supposed to be a _funny_ show!”

Luna: “I keep trying to tell her that this stuff is serious, and she won’t listen!”

Amade: “TALKING CAT! TALKING CAT!”

Luna: “Mrw?”

Usagi /changes subject. “I believe you.”

Amade: “…You do? …I guess that proves I imagined the whole thing, then.” /calms down.

Usagi: “…”

Amade: “I’m very sorry about ruining your new outfit. I don’t carry cash, but here’s my business card—send me the bill for the dry cleaning.”

{Amade has left the scene.}

Usagi /reads card. “And of course he was that piano player!”

Luna: “Follow that plot hook!”

### MEANWHILE:

In a garbage dump, Girlbat makes obeisance before an altar of dead TVs. Jadeite displays his increasing mastery of the mortal world by using them to communicate.

Girlbat: “There’s been a slight setback—”

Jadeite: “Slight my ass! Get that tape, bitch, or I’ll kill you and save the humans the trouble!”

### SOON: At the “30 Thirties” music club.

Usagi: “Finally, a chance to understand the grown-up world!”

Luna: “…I’m not sure that this is the best place to start.”

Usagi /brandishes disguise pen. “Make me a cool grown-up musician!”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 5

Usagi into Disguise Mode: 2

### USAGI now has a tight leather miniskirt, thigh-highs, short jacket, and long hair died green and streaked pink, and appears just on the legal side of 21, which is a good thing because I mean, _damn._

Luna: “‘No animals allowed.’ Now why didn’t _I_ get issued one of those pens?”

Usagi: “I have a cunning plan.”

Usagi carries Luna like a fur boa, which _sort of_ works so long as Luna doesn’t move or react.

Random Clubber #1: “Hey, sweet thing, you looking for a good time?”

Usagi: “Sure!”

Luna: (sotto voce) “No!”

Usagi: “Well, actually I’m working.”

Luna: (sotto voce) “Ix-nay! Ix-nay!”

Random Clubber #1: “Oh-ho, a working girl?”

Luna: (sotto voce) “No!”

Usagi: “I mean, I’m here… to see someone else?”

Luna: (sotto voce) “Good!”

Random Clubber #1 /disappointed. “Oh…” /leaves.

Usagi: “What was that all–?”

Luna: “ _Later._ ”

Bartender /gives Usagi the stink-eye.

Luna: “Blend in. Order a drink. And don’t drink it.”

Usagi: “…”

Usagi finds a corner table and listens to the music. Amade really gets into it, and the crowd is with him tonight.

Usagi: “That old guy looks pretty cool when he’s playing piano.”

Usagi drowses off for a moment, and misses Amade leaving the stage. She pursues. A friend of Amade offered him a ride, so he’s heading down to the parking garage instead of out the front.

Amade /looks at the Tape, and photos of Akiko. “I wrote that song just for her! …I wonder if she’s just a bit dense.”

### SUDDENLY: BATS!

Girlbat /enters dramatically. “I’m going to kill you for wasting my time. Gimme the fucking tape.”

Girlbat: “?!”

Usagi /bursts in, no longer in disguise. “Whoa! There’s the old guy, and— a mugger in high heels?”

Girlbat /transforms into Batwinged Form and flies away very very fast.

Usagi: “AWESOME.”

Amade: “…My tape! She has my tape!”

Usagi helps him pick up his photos and the empty cassette case, and puts the pieces together immediately.

### DRAMATIC CAR CHASE with Groovy Jazz Music

Usagi: “Let the cat drive! Let the cat drive!”

Amade: “No! I have to do this!”

SCREECH ZOOM HONK HONK BWAAAAAAAA

Usagi: “So the monster stole the tape that you made for the nice lady in the photos who you’re in love with and now we’ve got to get it back, right?”

Amade: “Is it that obvious?”

Usagi: “Yes!”

Amade: “(I guess Akiko _is_ a bit dense.) Seems kind of silly, huh?”

Usagi: “No, of course not! Even an old guy like you has the right to be in love!”

Amade: “… _Thanks_. And stop calling me ‘old guy’! I’m not old!”

Usagi: “What?”

Amade: “I’m thirty-seven!”

Usagi: “Well I can’t just call you ‘guy’.”

Amade: “You could call me ‘Dennis.’ That’s my name.”

Usagi: “And I’m, er…”

Luna: “Watch out for that car!”

Amade: “And the cat talks.”

Usagi: “Nags, more like.”

Amade: “Why did you get into the car?”

Usagi: “Because I’m on the side of love and justice.”

Amade: “Great. The Lone Ranger and Tonto.”

Luna: “Yippee-ay-kay-ay, motherfucker.”

### INSIDE: The Dramatic Confrontation

Everyone inside the studio is unconscious due to bats. Girlbat is about to cue up the Tape when everyone else bursts in dramatically.

Amade: “Gimme that tape, lady!”

`<< Girlbat transforms into Demon Form! >>`

`<< Amade fails his Unnatural stress check. >>`

Amade: “…We’re all gonna die!”

`<< Usagi fails her Unnatural stress check, but passes her Paradigm check. >>`

Usagi: “What’s this ‘we’ business, white man? Good Lord, that’s a scary demon tonight. What’s the plan, boss?”

`<< Luna is immune. >>`

Luna /with a flurry of judo moves, seizes the tape. “There you go, Dennis, one mix tape.”

Amade /boggles. “…But that’s not my tape!”

Luna and Usagi: “WHAT?!”

Girlbat /attempts to eviscerate everybody with her extensible claws.

Everyone dodges and falls through the door.

Luna: “Are you okay?”

Usagi: “No!”

Girlbat /takes a hostage. “Wake up a moment here. What’s your name? Akiko? Right. Gimme back the tape, or Akiko here gets a second airhole.”

Usagi: “There’s three of us and one of her. Take her!”

Girlbat: “What?!”

Amade, Usagi, and Luna curbstomp Girlbat.

Amade /carries Akiko to safety.

Luna /smashes the tape and grinds it beneath her iron heel. Fuckin' A. “This is the end of the line! Give it up!”

Girlbat /turns into bats.

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 6

Usagi into Disguise Mode: 2

### CUT TO: Wayne Concert Hall

Bats /turn into Girlbat.

Girlbat: “This looks like a safe place to–”

Usagi /makes a dramatic entrance, taking full and unfair advantage of the stage lighting. “I am the scratch on the CD of Crime, the warp on the record of Injustice! I AM SAILOR MOON! The spirits of the great composers are with me, because how DARE you use the wonder that is music as a weapon! Even the Father of Music, Haydn, is mad!”

Luna: “Bach! The Father of Music is Bach!”

Usagi: “…and if you hadn’t _said anything_ , no one would have noticed!”

`<< Girlbat uses Sonic Blast Attack! >>`

`<< Sailor Moon dodges! >>`

Usagi /has a brain wave and grabs a microphone.

`<< Girlbat uses Sonic Blast Attack! >>`

` **USAGI: USE > MICROPHONE : GIRLBAT** `

The feedback hum reverses the attack back on Girlbat, stunning her long enough for the inevitable.

Usagi: “BOOM!”

` **USAGI: TECH > MOONTIARA : GIRLBAT** `

`<< Girlbat is slain! >>`

`<< Usagi has leveled up! >>`

Rabbit sings bat's song  
'Til wings flap and dart away  
Spring rains fall again 

Luna /observes that Usagi didn’t even need Tuxedo Mask this time, but wisely refrains from commenting at this time.

### BACK AT THE RUBBLE-STREWN STUDIO

Akiko /bandaging. “You should be more careful! If anything had happened to your hands, you wouldn’t be able to play again!”

Amade: “If anything had happened to _you_ , I wouldn’t be able to play again.”

Akiko /blush.

Daawwwwwwwwwwwwwww. :)

### DENOUEMENT: Another night at Naru’s place.

Naru: “Aw, _man_ … Amade got married to his producer! I haven’t a chance, now!”

Usagi: “Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. Dennis told me they’re planning to–”

Naru: O_O “…No way.”

Usagi: “Oh, yes, we’re old friends.”

Usagi /notes privately that Amade’s newest album has _Sailor Moon_ -related album art.

Luna: “‘But I couldn’t have gotten the story without Superman.’” _wink_

Luna: “Hey, wait, so there’s at least two people out there now who know your real face? Will this come back to bite us in the ass?”

Usagi: “They don’t know my real _name_ …”

Luna: “I’m not sure that helps.”

Usagi: “I could wear glasses.”

Luna: “Brilliant!”


	7. EPISODE #7: Usagi Learns a Lesson! The Road to Stardom is Tough.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Naru makes Umino dress up like Usagi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally uploaded 23 AUG 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10807202>.

### RECAP:

“My name is Usagi Tsukino, and if turns out to be a Very Special Episode of Sailor Moon, I’m gonna be pissed.”

### ANOTHER SCHOOL MORNING:

Usagi /is late again. “Shit, late again! Hey, a poster advertising energy drinks, with a celebrity spokesperson! Maybe energy drinks would help me. I mean, if a famous person is sponsoring it, it must be good. Wait, seems I’ve heard that recently—”

Naru /is also late. “LATE!”

Naru trips over Usagi.

### SUBSEQUENTLY: At school.

Naru: “You only made it to school on time because I smacked you upside the head!”

Usagi: “You want I should return the favor?”

Umino /materializes. “Look! Mikan poster which I bought on eBay! I had to buy a lot of twenty, so if anyone else wants to buy one…”

Usagi: “Please inform the audience who ‘Mikan’ is and why we should care.”

Umino: “Mikan is a 17-year-old child actress who was talent scouted right out of our very own school. She has done 8 commercials to date and makes ¥2,000,000 a year!”

Usagi: “Isn’t that about $20,000 U.S.? Not a lot, but way better than my allowance.”

Umino: “I’m updating the Wikipedia entry to include this new poster as we speak!”

Naru: “Except, of course, this is 1992, so it’s _actually_ all BBSes and USENET and stuff. We’re translating for modern audiences.”

Umino: “Observe my state-of-the-art boxy beige portable computer with lightning-fast 14.4K modem! Anyone want to see me demonstrate a proper SCSI chain?”

Usagi /Subject Changing Prana: “Wait, so she’s only famous for doing commecials, but she’s only in commercials because she’s famous… for doing commercials. Is this a Japan thing?”

Naru: “I think it’s just a wonder of the age of mass marketing.”

Usagi: “No wonder we’re easy demon fodder.”

Schoolgirl #1: “Darn it, why didn’t the talent scouts choose meeeeee? I could do commercials just as good as her.”

Umino: “‘Just as good as _she_.’ And since they didn’t select you, I guess they knew you couldn’t!”

Schoolgirl #1 /urge to kill rising.

Umino: “Usagi’s the only person here with any talent!”

Schoolgirl #1 /urge to kill rising.

Usagi: “Stop helping me!”

### LATER AT SCHOOL:

Mikan is giving autographs. Jadeite, disguised as a pretty boy Aryan _Miami Vice_ cosplayer, observes this, and conceives a cunning plan.

### VH1’s BEHIND THE MUSIC:

Naru: “Mikan was all the girls like us ever wanted to be.”

Usagi: “Naru brought this crazy enthusiasm to the project, it was infectious. We were going to sing together in the talent show, and we were going to be stars.”

_Fired with enthusiasm for this new musical group, the two young women began their first rehearsals at Usagi’s parents' home in Townsville. But little did they know that their act would be doomed almost from the start._

MUSIC: The demo tape. Naru and Usagi singing, badly: “I have a big gun, I took it from the Lord. Sick with justice, I just wanna feel you—”

Shingo: “I remember I kicked open the door once because I thought they were killing the cat.”

Usagi: [laughing] “I was so angry that time.”

Anonymous cat, face blurred out: “The singing was bad enough, but it was the choreography that killed them.”

_Faced with insurmountable creative differences, band leader Naru broke up the team that very night._

Naru: “Usagi declared that from then on we would be rivals and enemies.”

Usagi: “It was a crazy time. I can’t make up for what I’ve done, I can only apologize.”

 _And so the two women found themselves bound upon different paths to very different careers. For more on Usagi Tsukino’s early solo career, and her secret loves, stay tuned for more of_ **VH1’s Behind the Music.**

### FAMILY TIME! i.e. Watching TV

 _Funniest Home Videos_ shows a couple of lame animal acts.

Dad /joking: “Hey, maybe Luna could do that!”

Luna /cat ignore.

Usagi: “Brilliant!”

Usagi /grabs Luna. “Let’s start practicing right away!”

Luna /cat SQUAWK!

Dad: “…Is Usagi on medication or something?”

Mom: “She always acts like that.”

Shingo: “She usually acts _worse_.”

(They really do get the cat body language right on this show.)

### MEANWHILE: Naru’s House.

A bizarre scene ensures in which Naru secretly invites Umino over to her place and convinces him to dress in drag and play Usagi’s part in the act, by implying that this will improve his romantic chances because Usagi is into this sort of thing. I really can’t make this any stranger than it already is.

### CUT TO: Mikan’s Fancy High-Class Apartment

Shower scene!

But suddenly: An Azerothian troll draws the shower curtain and spits resin webbing all over her, trapping her in the tub and inventing a new fetish. It then assumes her smiling form and smiles evilly.

Jadeite /thinks: “Is this what I’m reduced to now?”

### THE NEXT DAY: A portable stage sets up near the school.

Jadeite, wearing a bow tie, the perfect disguise: “LADIES AND GENTLEMAN! Step right up!”

Crowd: “Is that Famous Person Mikan up there?”

Evil Twin Mikan: “Ja, it be Mikan, my friends, and I and I, today we be recruiting new stars! Everyone can be Cinderella, starting today!”

Jadeite /switches on mind-control microwaver.

Crowd: (in unison) “Must become a star. Must become a star.”

### AT SCHOOL:

Schoolgirl #1: “Have you heard?”

Usagi: “No, I haven’t.”

Naru: “You’re so _behind the times_ , Usagi.”

Usagi: “…I… I’ve got a lot of things going on, okay?”

Naru: “Mikan’s recruiting future stars RIGHT NOW! We’ve got to—”

Umino /sashays in, humming songs from _Rocky Horror Picture Show._

Everyone else /wtf

Naru /blushes. “Er… Umino, you don’t have to do that _off_ stage.”

Umino: “Practice makes perfect, darling!”

Usagi /shakes head. “You and your hobbies.”

### THE TRAP CONTINUES:

Cops show up to disperse this unscheduled demonstration, Mikan’s manager shows up to find out why she’s moonlighting, Hare Krishnas try to ignore it and concentrate on their thing, but all of them get sucked into the “fun.”

### SO OF COURSE: During a nicely-painted sunset.

Usagi: “Let’s go join the fun!”

Luna: “…I quit.”

Usagi: “WHAT?! But whyyyyyy?”

Luna: “Look, I was only playing switch because I thought you needed a break.”

Usagi: “I have needs, too!”

Luna: “You’ve got responsibilities to meet and— oh, don’t _whimper_ , you’ll— oh, damn it.”

Usagi /cries and runs away.

Usagi trips over Mamoru, who actually seems glad to see her.

Mamoru: “Hello, Dumpling Head!”

Usagi: “Fuck off!”

Mamoru: You’re not seriously trying to join Ackbar’s Travelling Medicine Show, are you? The only thing you’d be good for is physical comedy."

Usagi: “Of course not! I was just… uh… scouting for danger! For a friend!”

Mamoru /seems impressed.

Usagi /leaves before he tries to pick her up.

### BACK AT THE TRAP:

Evil Twin Mikan: “Gosh, I don' believe it— EVER’BODY WON!”

Crowd /W00t!

Jadeite: “Come to the Townsville Auditorium this Sunday, and you’ll all be in the BIG SHOW!”

Crowd /W00t!

Evil Twin Mikan: “Evil laughter?”

Jadeite: “I’m just not into it today. This plan… man. I can do better.”

### THE NEXT DAY: At school.

Everyone except Usagi has become an obsessive prima donna.

Usagi: “Did I get hit on the head again, or am I the only one here interested in the classwork?”

Everyone else: “Yes! Get out of our way, peon! We’re rehearsing!”

Usagi: “There’s another monster at work!”

Luna: “Obviously.”

Usagi: “Why, if I’d gone to that talent show, I’d be like them now!”

Luna: “See, you should thank me!”

Usagi: “I’d really rather not.”

Everyone else /comes to blows, because if they’re _all_ stars, there’s no one to lord it over.

Usagi /discreetly exits before they notice her.

### SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! At the Townsville Auditorium.

Usagi: “No ticket agent, no customers… and a hand-painted poster? What, no neon light show? Must be scraping the bottom of the barrel.”

### INSIDE:

Evil Twin Mikan uses her Evil Disco Ball to conjure up a tour group from Hell to serve as an audience.

Evil Tourist #1: “Oh, gosh, gee golly, this is so exciting, donchaknow!”

Evil Tourists /applaud madly.

Everyone else comes out and performs their talent show acts simultaneously, in a spectacular demonstration of the principle that if everyone is a star, no one is. Jadeite laughs all the way to the bank.

Evil Tourists /applaud madly.

Usagi /does not see or hear the false audience, because they aren’t really there.

Usagi: “This is just _sad_!”

Tom Servo: “It’s sadder than sad! I’ve seen Gamera movies with more dignity than this.”

Evil Twin Mikan: “NO TALKING IN THE THEATER!”

`<< Usagi fails her stress check, chooses Flight. >>`

Evil Tourists /applaud madly.

### CUT TO: The ladies' room.

Luna: “You’ve handled worse than an ugly blue chick!”

Usagi: “…I’m scared of Jamaican accents.”

Luna: “…”

Usagi: “I’m serious!”

Luna: “No accent, no matter how atrocious, can stand up to a Moon Tiara Blast.”

Usagi: “Sigh. Okay.”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 7

Usagi into Disguise Form: 2

### ON STAGE: They’re all dying.

Evil Twin Mikan: “MUAHAHAHAHA! I and I be vera pleased. Die some more, children!”

Suddenly! The curtains are drawn!

Usagi /makes a dramatic entrance, illuminated by spotlights.

Usagi: “(Thank you, Luna.) I am the second night performance in the first run of Crime, the Scottish Play for the actors of Injustice: I AM SAILOR MOON.”

`<< Evil Twin Mikan transforms into Troll! >>`

Troll: “You gon' die now, mon!”

Usagi: “Oh, shit!” /hides in the gallery.

Luna /illuminates Usagi with a spotlight.

Troll: “Ah-ha!”

`<< Troll uses web attack on Sailor Moon! Sailor Moon is webbed! >>`

`<< …webbed very slowly and lasciviously! >>`

Usagi: “Why?”

### BUT THEN!

Enter Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, armed with +3 blessed throwing roses.

Luna /illuminates him with a spotlight, for good measure.

`<< Tuxedo Mask casts Status Break on Sailor Moon. Sailor Moon is freed! >>`

Tuxedo Mask: “Never give up!”

Usagi: “BLISS.”

Exit Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, with swirl of cape.

Troll: “Hey! I am fighting here!” /pursues.

` **< USAGI : TECH > MOONTIARA : TROLL >** `

`<< Sailor Moon blasts Troll in the back! >>`

`<< Troll is slain! >>`

`<< Evil Disco Ball is destroyed! >>`

Usagi: “No one ever said I had to be honorable!”

Usagi /spits on the remaining glass shards of the Troll and her Evil Disco Ball. “Try to make a new fetish out of _me_ , will you?” /stomp stomp crunch.

### AND SO: Everyone on stage wakes up.

Schoolgirl #1: “Wha happen—?!”

Schoolgirl #2: “When did you start speaking in Kansai-ben?”

Schoolgirl #1: “I… don’t remember?”

Schoolgirl #2: “That whole bit really didn’t come across in the subtitles, did it?”

Schoolgirl #1: “I guess Shadowjack will just have to do a different dialect joke.”

### DENOUEMENT:

Luna: “Have you learned your lesson?”

Usagi: “Yes! Jadeite and his minions are obviously COMMUNISTS because they want everyone to be the same!”

Luna: “No! Wrong! Stupid! Do I need to refresh your memory?”

Usagi: “No!”

Luna: “Ahem.”

Usagi: “No, _Mistress!_ ”

Luna: “Louder!”


	8. EPISODE #8: Is the Genius Girl a Monster? Brainwashing School of Terror.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ami is revealed to be not a monster, probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally uploaded 24 AUG 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10811424>.

### RECAP

“Awesome title! Please tell me we finally get some more characters! Oh, well, I guess everything will turn out okay!”

### LENG: Jadeite is doing what he does best — bullshitting.

Jadeite: “…And so, Your Terrible Majesty, human parents are obsessed with getting their kids into the best possible schools. You have to get into the best kindergarten, so you can get into the best elementary school, so you can get into the best junior high, then high school, then college. And so, if we—”

Queen Beryl: “What happens after college?”

Jadeite: “…I am not quite certain.”

Queen Beryl: “Mmm- _hmm_.”

Jadeite: “…Ah-heh, anyway, the plan is proceeding forward as, er, planned.”

Queen Beryl: “Very well!”

Jadeite /exits, sweating.

### TSUKINO RESIDENCE

Usagi: “LOOK MOM THIS MANGA IS HILARIOUS LOL”

Mom /LOL.

Mom /is serious. “This is no time for laughing. Your exam results—”

Usagi /Subject Changing Prana. “Don’t arrive until tomorrow! So I’ll just be moving along now…”

Mom /Perfect Riposte of Mother’s Guilt. “Usagi, I won’t ask for the impossible, but _please don’t fail me._.”

Usagi /cries.

### AND SO: Usagi is actually doing homework.

Luna: “A pity that Charm only works on one’s _own_ children.”

Usagi: “It must be nice to be a cat, and lie around all day sleeping.”

Luna: “I WORK VERY HARD the six hours a day that I’m awake. I’ve got to find the Moon Princess, I’ve got to maintain the spells that conceal you from the enemy, I’ve got to— is that a comic book?”

Usagi: “Media studies. Say, who IS the enemy, any way? You never quite explained that, and it’s been weeks now.”

Luna: “They are Things of the Purest Evil that are Not Of This World.”

Usagi: “…Oh.”

Luna: “To tell you the truth, I’m not too sure myself.”

Usagi: “Wait a minute, you mean all this time, you’ve been _pretending_ you knew what you were doing?! I thought you were, like, a grown-up cat!”

Luna: “I _am_. Here’s the dirty little secret of adulthood, kid: None of us really knows what the hell we’re doing. We’re all making it up as we go.”

Usagi: “My view of the world is shattered! …And yet I still have to do this stupid homework.”

Luna /comforting pat on shoulder.

### MIDNIGHT: The Video Arcade.

Security bars and locked doors cannot hinder a Sidereal Cat. Luna takes position before the Sailor V console, and it flickers to ethereal life.

SVA: “Greetings, Starfighter!”

Luna: “Greetings, Friend Computer. Still no luck on finding the Moon Princess. Sailor Moon proves less reliable than hoped—”

SVA: “Stop that treasonous grumbling!”

Luna: “Yessir! I’m now investigating the weird energy signature of the blue-haired girl from the OP.”

SVA: “Carry on, Agent 0091, and maintain regular reports. End of Line.”

### THE NEXT DAY: The Exam Results have been posted.

Usagi: “First place is Ami Mizuno!”

Naru: “She’s best in the class!”

Chubby Girl: “She’s best in the country!”

Umino /materializes from behind Naru’s, er… where _was_ he hiding, anyway?

Naru: “JESUS CHRIST SCARE ME TO DEATH!”

Umino: “Ami Mizuno has an estimated IQ of 300! And that’s her over there!”

Usagi: “The pale girl with the blue hair, the sad eyes, and the bandages? Uh-oh.”

Naru beats Umino, and we start to wonder if they’re an item yet.

Gossip Mill: “Mizuno’s parents are rich doctors, so she studies at the new and expensive Ackbar’s Academy, but she’s a genius, so she has a scholarship, and she has a _bad attitude_ and _thinks she’s better than everyone!_ ”

Usagi: “Harsh words, especially when she’s _right there listening to you._ ”

### WALKING HOME

Usagi: “If I was smart like that, Mom wouldn’t WHIP ME AND BEAT ME like she does ALL THE TIME. Oh, hey, there’s Mizuno.”

Suddenly!

`<< Luna uses Cat from Above Attack on Ami Mizuno! >>`

`<< Ami uses Cat Shiatsu! >>`

Luna /!

Luna /purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Usagi: “Sorry, is my cat bothering you? I think she thinks you were a monster. :)”

Ami: “Since she came from the sky, I thought she was an angel. :) No problem at all! I wish I could have a cat but no one will let me.”

Usagi and Ami fall into conversation, ignoring Luna’s dire mutterings. Usagi is #1) Genuinely impressed by Ami’s sincerity and wit, and #2) Selfishly planning to maneuver Ami into helping her study.

Usagi: “Wanna play video games?”

Ami: “I don’t know, are they fun?”

### TEN MINUTES LATER: The Arcade

Usagi /dies again. “FRELL! OBVIOUSLY the razzin-frazzin joystick is damaged. You wanna try? It’s really hard—”

Ami /starts playing.

Ami /is smiling.

Ami /breaks 1,000.

Ami /breaks 10,000.

Ami /isn’t smiling so much. This is too easy.

Usagi: “Luna! I see you there behind the cabinet. Are you fooling around?”

Luna: “No, just checking!”

Ami /achieves rollover.

Ami /breaks 10,000 again.

Ami /gets the highest score!

Usagi /suddenly notices that every guy in the arcade is watching Ami with envy.

Ami /utterly feminine. “Oh no! I’m late for cram school!”

Usagi: “I’m sorry, I didn’t know today was your study day.”

Ami: “Oh, I go every day.”

Usagi: “Are your parents SLAVE DRIVERS?!”

Ami: “I don’t have any talents other than studying.”

Usagi: “What do you mean? You just totally— I mean— you—”

Ami: “I have to go! Shall I see you later?”

Usagi: “Sure, yeah, love to… Wow. Different worlds.”

Motoki: “Miss Usagi! I have to give you something!”

Usagi /blushes. “Wow, in public, with everyone watching?”

Motoki: “Your friend dropped her computer disk!”

Usagi: “…”

Usagi: “I know, I know. ‘Follow that plot hook.’”

### CUT TO: Ackbar’s Academy and Degree Mill.

Evil Instructor with librarian glasses and red highlights: “Keep studying and provide us with your brain energy!”

Ami: “I must confess I find the metaphors she uses to be subtly disturbing.”

Ami: “?! I’ve lost my study disk.”

Ami /looks left.

Ami /look right.

Ami: (whispers) “…frell!”

Ami /giggles. “It always gave me a headache anyway!”

### OUTSIDE:

Luna: “No one who plays video games like that could be entirely human!”

Usagi trips over Mamoru!

Usagi: “Why do you always show up at the weirdest times?!”

Mamoru: “That’s not _my_ problem. Wasn’t that cat just talking?”

Luna: “Of course not!”

Usagi: “Look! A decoy!”

Luna and Usagi /break the sound barrier retreating.

### LET’S GO FIRST to the school computer lab:

Luna: “Let’s check that disk out!”

Usagi: “I’ll warn you, I don’t know any about computers—”

Luna /typing at 90wpm. “Okay, bypass the autoload program, let’s see if we can get straight to the source… oh, good, they didn’t recompile it, that was sloppy…”

Usagi: “…This is my life. My cat knows more than I do about everything.”

Luna: “Listen to this!” >RUN.

Computer: “IÄ IÄ CTHULHU FTHAGN! IÄ IÄ CTHULHU FTHAGN! IÄ IÄ CTHULHU FTHAGN!”

Luna: “SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES! She IS a monster!”

Usagi /disguise pen. “Make me a doctor who works at the university hospital!”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 7

Usagi into Disguise Form: 3

### USAGI NOW APPEARS TO BE in her mid-20s, with short hair, a bland beige outfit, and a white labcoat over it.

Luna: “…You look more like a young intern, but never mind that now!”

Dr. Tsukino /bursts in dramatically. “Everyone, this is a medical emergency! Step away from the computers, stat!”

Ami: “Hey, we’re studying, here!”

Everyone else: “…BRAIIIINNNSSS.”

Usagi: “Again with the zombified victims?”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 8

Usagi into Disguise Form: 3

### BATTLE TIME!

Ami: “Holy crap! It’s Sailor Moon!”

Usagi: “That’s right! And you’re going _down!_ ”

Evil Teacher: “That’s correct! She is!”

`<< Evil Teacher transforms into Demon! >>`

`<< Demon grapples Ami Mizuno! >>`

Usagi: “LUNA! You named the wrong frikkin' target!”

Luna: “Eh-heh, whoops?”

Usagi: “Let’s cut this short: I AM SAILOR MOON!”

`<< Demon uses Question Attack! >>`

Demon: “Question Number One: ‘Why do apples fall from trees?’”

Usagi: “What? Ask the apples, not me!”

`<< Demon throws ninja report cards. >>`

`<< Usagi dodges! >>`

Usagi: “Because a hurricane came!”

`<< Demon throws ninja report cards. >>`

`<< Usagi dodges! >>`

Luna: “Because GRAVITY!”

Usagi: “Newton! Gravity! Physics!”

`<< Question solved! You win 100 gold. >>`

`<< Demon uses Question Attack! >>`

Demon: “Question Number Two. ‘What is the average air velocity—’”

Usagi: “Oh, FUCK YOU!”

### THE DEMON TAKES IT OUT on Ami Mizuno

Demon: “Why aren’t you zombified? You weren’t using your disk!”

Demon /shoves Ami’s face into the computer screen repeatedly. “BAD! BAD! BAD!”

Ami /squirms. “I don’t like the program! A person should learn how to study without computer aids!”

Suddenly Ami Exalts, because it’s the first time she’s ever stood up to anybody! Her caste mark glows brilliantly.

Demon /shapeshifts her arm into an AXE! “Okay, I’ll just take your brain directly!”

Ami /O_O

Luna /throws Ami her transforming pen.

Ami /@_@???

Ami /Ò‸Ó

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 8

Usagi into Disguise Form: 3

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 1

### THE SHOE IS ON THE OTHER FOOT!

Luna: “Use Bubble Spray!”

` **< AMI : TECH > BUBBLE1 : ALL ENEMIES >** `

The room is filled with freezing mist, ruining every computer in the place and knocking out the zombies.

Demon /shivering. “How can they stand this cold in those short skirts?”

Ami plays “Hall of Mirrors” with the Demon, using her reflection in the computer monitors.

`<< Demon attacks Sailor Mercury! >>`

Demon: “Gotcha!”

Ami /badass. “ _Missed._ Sailor Moon! NOW.”

Usagi: “BOOM!”

` **< USAGI : TECH > MOONTIARA : DEMON >** `

`<< Demon is slain! >>`

`<< Usagi has levelled up! >>`

`<< Ami has levelled up! Ami has mastered Bubble Spray! >>`

### DENOUEMENT

Luna: “Well done! And I apologize for trying to assassinate you.”

Ami: “I’m sorry, there’s probably something I’m supposed to say in this sort of situation, but I really don’t know what it is.”

Usagi: “Why don’t you try smiling? OH GOD NO not that scene.”

Ami /O_O

Ami /^_^

Usagi: “…Well, it IS a well-earned smile. (And now she’ll _have_ to help me study!)”

Ami /offers a hearty handshake. “I just hope I’m able to keep up with you experts. I look forward to our future collaboration!”

Usagi: “Er, likewise! (Damn it, she’s just too earnest!)”

Luna: “I need a beer.”


	9. EPISODE #9: Usagi's Misfortune! Watch Out for the Rushing Clocks.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Usagi is late for school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally uploaded 25 AUG 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10817422>.

### RECAP

“Excuse me, but, um… I don’t want to speak out of turn, here.”

“No, go right ahead, Ami.”

“Well… I know I’m new, but… shouldn’t I be mentioned in the recap by now? I mean, I am in the opening titles. I was just wondering, I don’t—”

“No, no, it’s fine, but I really don’t know, I just read the script here. Maybe we got stuck with last week’s?”

### PLATEAU OF LENG:

Queen Beryl: “WHAT? Now there’s _two_ of them?! …Of all the _nerve._ How dare they defend themselves!”

Jadeite: “My Lady, I have a cunning plan!”

### THAT DAY: Usagi takes Ami to the mall.

Ami: “Is it always this busy?”

Usagi: “Come on, you need to act more your age!”

Cue montage of the two laughing and enjoying themselves and generally having a good time.

Ami: “Gurren Lagann sunglasses! What do you think?”

Usagi: "They’re you, they’re totally you. Buy them. Buy them!

Ami: “Wait, you’re scared of Big Bird?”

Usagi: “No, that would be silly. I’m scared of _Sesame Street_ merchandise in general.”

Ami: “What book did you get? … _Garfield: Really Fat Treasury #3_?”

Usagi: “He just gets funnier every year! What did you get? _The Ba—_ , _The Baro—_ ”

Ami: “ _The Baroque Cycle._ ”

Usagi: “It’s _a million billion pages long!_ What is that, the entire history of the world?!”

Ami: “No, just the late 17th century.”

Ami: “It’s only three volumes.”

Ami: “What?”

### AND THEN:

Usagi: “Oo, new store!”

Ami: “Ackbar’s Discount Clocks.”

Usagi: “Fancy expensive clocks and watches marked down with ridiculous bargains. I _have never_ seen such a thing before in my entire life!”

Ami: “Nor have I.”

Redhead proprietess in a classy dress: “Interested in a watch?”

Ami: “Thank you, I have one. Hey, that clock looks like Luna!”

Usagi: “It does!”

Redhead proprietess in a classy dress: “It’s you, it’s totally you. Buy it! Buy it!”

Usagi: “Maybe this will help me get to school on time oh _crap_ I’m still broke.” /sniffle.

Ami: “Don’t cry, don’t cry! I promise I’ll come by every morning to pick you up!”

Usagi /hugs. “AMI I LOVE YOU”

Ami /blush.

### TSUKINO RESIDENCE:

Mom: “…so then I went shopping with Naru and Umino’s mothers—”

Usagi: “Umino has parents?”

Mom: “I’m as surprised as you are, dear.”

Usagi: “How’s Naru’s mom, by the way?”

Mom: “Oh, Berry’s doing great, though she got in a major catfight with the lady at the clock shop.”

Usagi: “Oh, you were there, too?”

Mom: “Yes, Naru’s mom had heard about the place from an employee of hers. We got some great bargains. Including—” /dramatic reveal.

Usagi: “You got me the clock I wanted! Best Mom Ever!”

### UPSTAIRS:

Luna: “In what way does that sneering _thing_ look like me?”

Usagi: “See? Perfect match!”

### BUT THAT MIDNIGHT:

All the Evil Clocks light up and cast a spell.

Luna /is immune. “I have a bad feeling about this.”

### MORNING:

Ami: “Hello? Is this the Tsukino Res—?”

Usagi’s Dad: “LATE!”

Ami: "Oh, pardon me. Uh, are you Mrs. Tsu—

Usagi’s Mom: “LATE!”

Usagi’s Mom /twitching like a meth addict. “Usagi left an hour ago because she was LATE and now I gotta go do all the chores before the day ends because it’s already seven in the morning where did the time go oh my god AAAAAAAAAAAAAA.”

Ami: “Usagi left early. …Something is rotten in the State of Denmark.”

### SCHOOL:

School opens an hour early and closes about half an hour later, because almost everyone is in an INCREDIBLE HURRY.

Miss Haruna: “You can all study by yourselves because it’ll be faster than this because I have to hurry because I’m speed dating and it’s far more important than standing here because I’m still in my twenties and unmarried and I have to—”

Umino: “That’s right! We won’t be kids for very much longer! How about we—?”

{Naru has left the scene.}

{Usagi has left the scene.}

### CUT TO: The city is in a ferment of activity.

Ami: “Now I understand the Gibson line.”

Luna /just running up. “What line?”

Ami: “‘It was like a deranged experiment in social Darwinism, designed by a bored researcher who kept one thumb permanently on the fast-forward button.’”

Luna: “I think it all has something to do with these clocks. Check this one out!”

Ami: “How are you carrying that?”

Luna: “It’s strapped to my back.”

Ami: “But how did you tie the—?”

Luna: “USAGI, FOCUS!”

Luna: “I mean, er… Here, use this compact supercomputer.”

Ami: “Er… why, thank you! Now, let’s see here—”

The Evil Clock’s copy-protection system kicks in, and all the Evil Energy escapes, leaving the clock empty and inert.

Luna: “It _was_ an evil spell! The whole city’s been enchanted!”

Ami /looks so sad I just want to hug her.

### THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE CITY:

The gentle peace of the pencil sketch and watercolor backgrounds is ruined by MASSIVE CAR ACCIDENTS!

Jadeite: “This is even easier than I thought! Stupid humans, rushing to your deaths…”

Jadeite: “Ramua! Paging Ramua!”

Redhead proprietress in classy dress reveals her true form: a glam rocker in her late 30s trying desperately to look in her early 20s.

Jadeite: “…”

Jadeite: “Your plan is working perfectly, so it’s usually at this point that those ‘sailor’ persons show up. So watch your back.”

### MEANWHILE: On the bus.

Ami: “No one picks up the phone at the school. Luna, I’m nervous about trying to do this alone.”

Luna: “I know! Where the hell is Usagi?”

CRASH BANG!

Usagi /steps off the wrecked bus.

Usagi: “The bus driver was crazy doesn’t he know we’re all LATE!”

Luna: “You’ve been cursed, dear.”

Usagi: “To the clock shoppe!”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORM—

Usagi: “Come on! Come on! Get through the refootage! We haven’t got _time_ for this!”

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 9

Usagi into Disguise Form: 3

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 2

### ATTACK! attack! attack! with pesticide!

Luna: “Okay, we need to—”

Usagi: “Whichever way we go it’s a trap! In through the front!”

Luna: “—come up with—”

Usagi /blasts the front door off with the Moon Tiara.

Luna: “—a plan of—”

Ami /excited! “Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Charge!”

Luna: “—attack.”

The breach magically seals itself behind the two Sailors, leaving Luna outside.

### THE SEA OF TIME:

Usagi: “IAMSAILORMOONMOONTIARABLASTOKAYDONE!”

Ami: (sotto voce) “…She’s not here.”

Demon: (off) “Come find me, children.”

Usagi: “It is very weird in here.”

Ami /puts on Gurren Lagann sunglasses and fires up her tricorder.

Usagi: “What’s happening?”

Ami: “Well, in my humble opinion, we’ve become involved in Einstein’s time-space continuum theory.”

Usagi: “All right…”

Ami: “Relatively speaking, that is.”

  


EASTER EGG: Read the English text that appears on Sailor Mercury’s computer.

### MEANWHILE: On the Material Plane.

Enter Tuxedo Mask… steathily. “Huh. The clock shoppe is empty. Or IS IT?”

### INSIDE:

Ami: “The Demon’s this way!” /runs “like a girl.”

Usagi: “FASTER!” /runs like _mad._

Demon: “I didn’t expect you to show up so early!”

Ami /cold. “Dead or alive, you’re coming with me.”

Usagi /suddenly collapses. “Time energy… drained… can’t… move…”

`<< Demon uses Time Stop on Ami! Ami is paralyzed! >>`

`<< Demon uses Spear Flurry on Usagi! >>`

Demon: “SUFFER! SUFFER!” /stabby stabby stab.

### OUTSIDE:

Tuxedo Mask, having nothing better to do, breaks the big clock.

### INSIDE:

Demon: “NO! All _my_ energy!”

All the demon’s spells collapse.

Ami: “Should have kept diversified back-up systems!”

Ami: “BUBBLE—wait for it—”

Demon: “Please, no!”

Ami: “—SPRAY!”

` ** < AMI : TECH > BUBBLE1 : DEMON > ** `

`<< Demon is stunned! Protect break! >>`

` ** < USAGI : TECH > MOONTIARA : DEMON > ** `

`<< Demon is slain! >>`

`<< Usagi has levelled up! >>`

`<< Ami has levelled up! Peek technique mastered! >>`

And the entire shop disappears.

### DENOUEMENT: The city recovering from its magically-induced rush.

Naru: “Usagi! We have to hurry — a cake shop is doing a speed eating contest!”

Usagi: “AWESOME!” /runs.

Usagi /trip CRASH.

Usagi /cries.

Luna: “Same as it ever was.”

Ami: “That was fun! When’s the next one?”


	10. EPISODE #10: Cursed Buses! Fire Warrior Mars Appears.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rei sets things on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally uploaded 27 AUG 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10831796>.

### RECAP

Usagi: “I’m sorry you still aren’t in the recap.”

Ami: “What? Oh, hey, Usagi, check out what I just discovered. Say my name.”

Usagi: “Uh… Ami Mizuno.”

Ami /transforms. “Now say my name.”

Usagi: “Sailor Mercury.”

Ami /transforms back. “Say my name.”

Usagi: “Ami Mizuno.”

Ami /transforms: “Say my name.”

Usagi: “Sailor Mer— hey, wait a minute.”

Ami /transforms back. “See? Isn’t that interesting? I think these things must rewrite reality on some level.”

Usagi: “So that’s why we don’t need masks!”

### LENG

Queen Beryl: “If these ‘sailor scouts’ find the MacGuffin, we’ll be up shit creek without a paddle! Jadeite!”

Jadeite: “Ye—”

Queen Beryl: “None of your weasel promises, I want results! Get the energy and kill those senshi! Or you’ll find out that my husband is less forgiving than _I_ am.”

Jadeite: “Yes, Your Terrible Majesty!”

### AFTERNOON at the bus stop

Usagi: “I can’t believe you have to bus out to (ugh, shudder) _Jersey_ for this cram school.”

Ami: “I’d fly to the moon for a good cram school. I have to study hard and learn as much as I can, so I can better support our sacred mission!”

Luna /gives Ami a cookie and a pat on the head.

Luna /shoots Usagi a cool look.

Usagi: “…”

Usagi /Subject Changing Prana. “Say, that’s four police cars that have gone by while we’ve been standing here. I wonder what’s up. Miss Exposition, what do you think?”

Bitchy Schoolgirl: “Midway along this line, buses have been disappearing—the 6pm bus near the Spooky Shinto Shrine. The buses were filled with passengers, and the police are going _nuts._ ”

Usagi: “Disappearing buses? That sounds like fun!”

Naru /smack!

Usagi: “Disappearing buses? That sounds awful!”

Naru: “The Spooky Shrine is supposed to sell protective charms that actually work! Maybe we should pick some up.”

Bitchy Schoolgirl: “Good idea! Let’s go!”

Usagi: “Wait, if they actually work, wouldn’t the buses not be disappearing?”

Ami: “And there’s my bus. Get one for me, too, please!”

### AND SO: Spooky Shinto Shrine, New Jersey

Jadeite is present, disguised as a pretty boy Aryan Shinto acolyte. A gaggle of high school girls are making offerings for success in dating.

Old Priest: “Hello, all you lovely ladies! Don’t forget to drop by our gift shop—and, of course, I’m always on the lookout for part-time shrine maidens!”

Old Priest /eyebrows waggle suggestively.

High School Girl #1: “Like, OMG are you hitting on us?”

High School Girl #2: “Like, gag me with a spoon.”

{Exit high schoolers.}

{Enter junior high schoolers.}

Old Priest: “Hello, all you lovely ladies! Don’t forget to drop by our gift shop—and, of course, I’m always on the lookout for part-time shrine maidens!”

Old Priest /eyebrows waggle suggestively.

Naru: “Why are you acting funny, mister?”

Usagi: “Is there something the matter with your eyebrows?”

Old Priest: “What a difference a year makes.”

{Enter Rei, pissed off.}

### LUNA gives Shadowjack a hard stare.

Luna /sighs. “Okay. Get it out of your system. Make the Evangelion joke.”

Shadowjack: “I am _not_ going to make an Evangelion joke.”

Luna: “Good.”

Shadowjack: “Hey, Rei, have you ever been mistaken for a man?”`</Aliens joke>`

Rei: “No. ¿Have you?”

Luna /facepalm.

### ENTER Rei, dazzlingly beautiful shrine maiden.

Rei: “¡Papi! ¿What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Old Priest: “Nothing, nothing! Don’t forget the part-time shrine maiden position, girls! Maybe when you’re a little older…” /escapes.

Rei: “I apologize for my lecherous grandfather. We’re having enough trouble with all the suspicion about the missing buses; we certainly don’t need a sexual harassment suit on top of it all.” No one is listening, because everyone is floored.

Naru: “My God, she’s so beautiful.”

Bitchy Schoolgirl: “She’s so self-assured.”

Usagi: “I wouldn’t mind doing HER part-time!”

Usagi: “Doing that! Doing that _job_ part-time. What I meant to say.”

(I totally did not make that up.)

### FORTUNATELY for Usagi, at just that moment:

Jadeite: “And now I shall _steal your prayers._ ”

Jadeite /steals the energy from the three high schoolers who’d just left.

Jadeite has angered the gods!

Rei detects Evil!

Rei: “¡An evil spirit is at work! ¡EXORCISE!”

Rei /whips out the prayer strips and applies one to Usagi’s forehead.

Rei /miscalculated her own strength.

Usagi /K.O.

Rei: “…Oops.”

### A SHORT TIME LATER: Usagi has been moved inside to recover.

Rei: “¿So why are you carrying that lead sheet with you, anyway?”

Naru: “My mom says it’s an old family custom.”

Bitchy Schoolgirl: “So who’s that cute guy?”

Usagi /instantly regains consciousness. “Cute guy?! Where?”

Rei /hands Usagi an ice pack. “Sorry about that. I’m not very good at holding back, and my visions have of late been clouded by a dark and mysterious force the reasons for which I cannot fathom.”

Usagi: “Cute guy?”

Rei: “You haven’t a chance. He’s my grandfather’s new… um… _friend._ ”

Naru: “Ah, yes, the ‘um-friend’. Always tricky, that.”

Rei: “He just showed up one day and moved right in. And grandfather’s bedroom is right next to mine, arrrrrgh.”

Bitchy Schoolgirl: “Oh, no! You poor dear.”

Rei: “So if I seem a little short-tempered just n—”

Random Lady /bursts in, dramatically. “Where’s my daughter! You people kidnapped her, didn’t you? You’re behind the disappearing buses, I know it!”

Rei: “¿Another one? !Yo cago en la lecha de tu puta madre! !Viete a la mierda! !Get the hell out of my shrine or I’ll fucking cut you!”

Random Lady: “How dare you return my rudeness! I shall surely write a stiff letter to the newspaper!”

Luna: “‘Pretty boy Aryan Shinto acolyte?’ Seems to me I’ve seen three of those adjectives before.”

Usagi: “I guess we’d better bust Ami out of her school and get on the case.”

### BUS STOP IN JERSEY

Usagi: “Look! Zillions of students waiting at the bus stop, all wearing love charms from Spooky Shrine and looking stoned!”

Ami: “They should be studying more!”

Usagi: “Oh, for crying out— haven’t you ever been in love?” /starts to flashback to her last Tuxedo Mask dream.

Ami /interrupts flashback. “There’s a difference between a crush and _love_ , you shouldn’t— Oh, here’s the bus.”

Bus pulls up, with accompanying Evil Music. Rosa Klebb is driving.

Rosa Klebb: “All aboard! Heh-heh-heh.”

Luna: “Right, let’s all get on the Evil Bus.”

Usagi /yells, kicks, screams, _anything_ but get on the Evil Bus.

Ami: “Okay, Usagi, you can stop, the bus has already left. We’ll just have to come back tomor—”

The bus lifts off into the air, flies through a black hole, and vanishes. Everyone is shocked.

Ami: “…whoa.”

Luna: “I don’t believe it.”

Usagi: “See?! See?!”

### ON THE BUS: An entire busload of schoolgirls, lying unconscious..

Rosa Klebb /calls in. “Success, Comrade Jadeite!”

Jadeite: “Well done! Make sure to take all their energy nice and slowly.”

Rosa Klebb / _really_ enjoys her job.

### BACK TO THE SHRINE: Rei’s ravens are named Phobos and Deimos. This doesn’t matter for the story one bit, I just thought you might like to know.

Phobos: “You want we should kill that cat, boss?”

Deimos: “Yeah, I don’t like the way she’s lookin' at you.”

Luna: “Eep!”

Rei: “I don’t think that will be necessary, boys. ¿How can I help you, Usagi?”

Usagi: “Another bus just disappeared! Like, two minutes ago! I was wondering if you knew anything about it.”

Rei /pulls knife.

Usagi: “No, no, not like that! I meant about it, about it, you know? I mean, I want to be friends, and, like, um, okay, I’ll leave you alone now.”

{Usagi and Luna have left the scene.}

Rei: “That’s funny, her talking cat left this magic wand behind.”

### THAT NIGHT:

Rei thinks about how Jadeite now runs the shrine gift shop and makes all the other girls swoon.

Rei: “Let’s work this out. #1: This guy shows up with no references beyond absurd sex appeal. #2: The next day, my prophecies start going haywire. #3: The same day, buses start disappearing. #4: The day after _that_ , weird looking cat. I bet there’s a connection. HEAR ME, O SPIRITS—”

Jadeite: “I brought you supper. May I join you for a cup of coffee?”

Rei: “Okay, I really, _really_ do not want to even _think_ about that. _¡Vete!_ ”

{Jadeite has left the scene.}

Rei: “HEAR ME, O SPIRITS—¿Who is behind all this?”

Jadeite’s face appears in the flames.

### NEW JERSEY, DAY 2: At the bus stop again.

Usagi: “…Damn it, Ami. You’re supposed to be the responsible one who gets places on time, not me!”

Usagi: “Oh, shit, here comes the bus, I’m gonna have to get on _alone._ ”

Usagi /yells, kicks, screams, _anything_ but get on the Evil Bus.

Luna /drags Usagi along the pavement by the seat of her pants. “GET ON THE GODDAMN BUS!”

Rosa Klebb: “Heh-heh-heh. Going or staying?”

Usagi: “All right! All right!”

Usagi /disguise pen. “MAKE ME A COOL BUS ATTENDANT!”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 9

Usagi into Disguise Form: 4

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 2

### ONTO THE BUS! Which is filled with unconscious schoolgirls.

Usagi now appears to be in her early twenties, wearing a darling stewardess outfit with soft cap, and her hair done up in buns.

Usagi: “Okay, I can be brave now that I’m being someone else.”

Luna: “Don’t just do that when people are watching!”

Usagi: “Why not? The only person watching is the demon driving.”

Usagi: “The demon driving?!”

The bus lifts off into the air, flies through a black hole, and vanishes.

Ami /sits down in the middle of the street and sighs. “Isn’t it always the way? The one day you’re late is the one day the bus leaves on time.”

### MEANWHILE, back at the Shrine!

Rei: “I know it’s you behind all this bad stuff.”

Jadeite: “Congratulations! And what did you bring to use as a weapon against me?”

Rei: “…”

Rei: “I have two magic crows.”

Jadeite: “And I have _a room with a moose._ ”

Rei: “A what?”

Jadeite /opens a black hole that sucks in Phobos, Deimos, and Rei.

### THE ROOM WITH A MOOSE:

There is a moose here.

The moose eats some walnuts. Very. Slowly.

Usagi: “OH GOD IT’S HORRIBLE HORRIBLE”

Luna: “Pull yourself together, girl!”

Usagi: “ _Why?_ ”

Luna: “Because I said so, damn it!”

Usagi: “I HATE THIS JOB.” /badass. “But I’ll do my best!”

Luna: “Uh… good!”

Rosa Klebb is holding Rei hostage. “Any time now!”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 10

Usagi into Disguise Form: 4

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 2

### BOSS BATTLE!

`<< Rosa Klebb transforms into Demon form! Doesn’t look much uglier! >>`

` **< USAGI > TECH: MOONARANG > DEMON >** `

`<< Demon dodges! >>`

` **< REI > SUMMON: RAVENS > DEMON >** `

`<< Demon takes 186 damage! Rei is released! >>`

`<< Moonarang rerolls! >>`

`<< Demon catches attack! >>`

Demon: “Enough of this frisbee toy!”

Usagi: “Ha! I just levelled up and you didn’t know it!”

`<< Moonarang was a decoy! Moonarang transforms into Moonarope! >>`

`<< Demon is bound! >>`

Luna: “Rei, I know this is a lot to take in all at once, but listen: I’m a talking cat, and you are Sailor Mars, warrior of—”

Rei: “All I need to know is one thing: _where they are._ ”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 10

Usagi into Disguise Form: 4

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 2

Rei into Sailor Mars: 1

### FINISH HER!

`<< Demon breaks free! >>`

Usagi: “There! Over there!”

Rei: “¡LET’S ROCK!”

` **< REI > TECH: DRAGONSLAVE > DEMON >** `

`<< Demon is slain! >>`

`<< Rei has levelled up! New technique mastered! >>`

`<< Usagi has levelled up! New technique mastered! >>`

### ELSEWHERE:

Jadeite: “DAMN!”

### BACK TO THE ACTION:

The pocket universe starts to collapse.

The pocket universe is also on fire.

Usagi: “Well that’s just frelling great, Mars! Your fireball made this hell-hole worse!”

Rei: “¿Worse—or _better_?”

Luna: “Guys, I have no idea how we’re getting out of this one.”

### OUTSIDE:

Ami is still sitting in the middle of the street.

Ami /prays.

### INSIDE:

A shimmering blue light appears about the other side of the black hole, and spells the word, “EXIT.”

{Phobos and Deimos have left the scene.}

Luna: “Hey, guys, I’ve got this crazy idea, why don’t we–?”

Rei: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” /starts walking toward the exit.

Usagi: “Wait, what about the buses?!”

Tuxedo Mask just happens to be here.

Tuxedo Mask /flourishes his commercial truck driver’s license. “Yo.”

### DENOUEMENT: The buses come to a safe landing.

Ami /crying tears of joy. “It worked! It worked!”

(But they’re still in New Jersey.)

Tire Thief #1 /setting up a truck jack. “Don’t mind us, kids. We’ll be done in no time.”

Rei: “Hey, that guy with the cape disappeared. Who was that masked hunk?”

Ami: “I don’t know, but I wanted to thank him.”

Usagi: “He’s _mine._ Hey, and how come you get a shorter skirt than us, and real high heels?”

Rei: “Because a _junior high_ kid like you hasn’t the legs for either.” :p

Usagi /cries.

Jadeite: “And I would have succeeded, too, if it weren’t for those darn kids!”

Phobos: “Rand a rair of ravens, roo!”

Deimos /facewing. “…Hey, cat, you hungry?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because pics or it didn’t happen:
>
>> **A fan wrote:** Damn you, Shadowjack, now I’m seeing Rei as Zim, and it hurts…
> 
> It works a trifle better with Jadeite as Zim.
> 
> Jadeite: “PITIFUL _monkey_ creatures! I shall suck all your energy with my energy-sucking… sucker… thingy. Youma!” (pause) “…Why are you eating your leg?”
> 
> Redhead of the Week: “…Because it tastes like bacon.”
> 
> Jadeite: “There is no time for eating on our Sacred Mission, Youma! Now, DESTROY THE SENSHI!”
> 
> RotW: “YES MY MASTER!”
> 
> _BOOM_
> 
> Jadeite: “My _spleen!_ ”
> 
> CUT TO:
> 
> Usagi: “Ami! Ami! You gotta help!”
> 
> Ami (goth clothes, hair dyed blue): “I’m playing video games, Usagi. If this is not important I will destroy you.”
> 
> Usagi: “It’s the new girl at school! She’s _stealing everyone’s organs!_ ”


	11. EPISODE #11: Usagi vs. Rei? A Nightmare in Dreamland.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Sailors finally have enough members to start an RPG campaign.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally uploaded 29 AUG 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10839887>.

### RECAP

“Hey, stay out of the recording booth!”

“¿Damn it, why am I not in the recap yet? And Ami, too.”

“It’s not my fault! The new recap script was here a minute ago. Someone must have stolen it.”

“You mean you _lost_ it.”

“Shut up!”

### THE TEAM IS GATHERED at Rei’s place.

Luna: “Right, you’re now all in the same room, and can talk to each other now.”

Usagi: “Dude! The new _Sailor V_ manga!”

Rei: “¡Hey, I haven’t finished that yet, give it back!”

Luna: “So, uh, what are you talking about?”

Ami: “The more I read about this _Dark Sun_ setting, the more interesting it sounds… hmmm.”

Luna: “Guys…”

Rei: “I attack Usagi.”

Usagi: “What?!”

Rei: “She’s a Thief. It’s only a matter of time before she steals something, and as a Paladin, I can’t associate with Chaotic characters.”

Ami /still reading.

Luna: “You guys…”

Usagi: “And attacking me for no reason isn’t?!”

Rei: “I’m just playing my character.”

Luna: “Hey guys…”

Usagi: “Well, I’m backstabbing her before she can attack me! Roll initiative!”

Ami: “Wait, we’re in a fight now? I haven’t selected my spell list yet!”

Rei: “I declared first!”

Luna: “ROCKS FALL EVERYONE DIES.”

(Pause.)

Ami: “…Maybe we should do something else.”

Usagi: “ _Vampire_?”

Luna: “We could go look for the Moon Princess, like I keep bringing up every other episode.”

Usagi: “Well, what are we looking for?”

Luna: “Er… well…” /doesn’t want to admit she hasn’t a clue.

Ami: “What does she look like?”

Rei: “Is there some sort of ritual we need to enact?”

Usagi: “Does she have a sign on her head?”

Rei: “¿Like, ‘Moon Princess, Available For Parties, Inquire Within’?”

Usagi: “Sure.”

Rei: “Actually, that _would_ be helpful. Luna?”

Luna: “…Having three of you is meaningless, if you’re always going to act like this.”

Ami: “Okay, you guys, I was thinking we should start taking more direct action against the Enemy. Check out this article in what we humans call a ‘newspaper.’ There’s a new amusement park open—”

Luna: “Is it named Ackbar’s Perfectly Safe Funne Parke?”

Usagi: “Does it have suspiciously low-priced life memberships?”

Rei: “Are patrons getting mysteriously sick or disappearing in droves?”

Ami: “Let’s roll.”

### LENG:

Queen Beryl has just finished reviewing the stolen recap footage.

Jadeite /sweats.

Queen Beryl: “Three of them now.”

Jadeite: “Your Terrible Majesty, I have a _new_ plan–”

Queen Beryl /utter mocking contempt. “Oh?”

Jadeite: “I have absolute confidence that we can drive the Allies out of Berlin.”

Queen Beryl: “Jadeite, at this point it looks like your blow-up doll could come up with a better plan than you could. Maybe I should hire her.”

### ACKBAR’S PERFECTLY SAFE FUNNE PARKE:

Pretty Boy Aryan Security Guard: “There is absolutely nothing wrong with this Family Day Adventure Experience™, and we will answer no further questions at this time.” /singlehandedly pushes all the reporters out the door.

The reporters mutter and disperse, and the kids come out from their hiding places.

Usagi: “He said there’s nothing wrong! Let’s ride on the carousel!”

Luna: “Hello, _pretty boy Aryan_ company shill? Why does she never listen?”

### SIDEBAR: What they wore for a day out in public:

Usagi is wearing her new blue sailor outfit.

Rei is wearing jeans.

Ami is wearing what her mother dressed her in.

### BACK TO THE ACTION:

Usagi: “HOLY SHIT IT’S A LION HIDE BEHIND REI!”

Rei: “¡MADRE DE DIOS IT _IS_ A LION! ¿Where do _I_ hide?”

Creepy Princess: “hello i am the dream princess and these are all perfectly safe robot animals”

Usagi: “Robot animals? Cool. Hello, Aslan! Hello, Bambi! Hello, Mister Bear!”

Usagi /backflips onto the back of Mister Bear! “Wheeeee!”

Rei: “I sense Evil.”

Creepy Princess: “i have no idea what you’re talking about all you see is perfectly safe”

Creepy Princess: “please come see the special free show at the gingerbread house later”

### INSIDE THE CANDY HOUSE:

Jadeite is standing on a pile of corpses.

Jadeite: “I’m ready for you, Sailor Senshi. I will suck out all of your energy until nothing is left. Once someone comes in here, they will never get out.”

### OKAY THEN!

Luna: “Let’s split up and search for clues! I call Ami.”

Rei: “I call—! …Crap.”

Usagi: “So that means I’m with you?”

Rei: “Ha! You said it, not me.”

### USAGI AND REI reenact the marketplace standoff from _Black Lagoon_ , only instead of a gun they use some random kid who was wandering by.

### AFTER RUNNING AWAY from the kid’s mother:

Rei: “Why are we riding the kiddy train?”

Usagi: “This is the best way to patrol! Just ask Batman.”

Mamoru: (voiced by Kevin Conroy) “Yes?”

Usagi /!

Mamoru: “Aren’t you a little young to be riding the kiddy train?”

Usagi: “You’re older than I am! Hey, I’m here with a friend, why are you here alone? _Oooo_ , couldn’t you get a _date_?”

Mamoru: “I… I just like trains, okay? Is there anything wrong with that?”

Genma Saotome /holds up sign: If there is, I don’t want to be right.

Usagi: “Awesome. The engineer is a panda. I _like_ this park!”

Rei: “Hey, doesn’t that guy you were talking to look kind of like Tuxedo Mask?”

Usagi: “Of course not! Tuxedo Mask wears glasses.”

### THEY REGROUP:

Usagi: “Luna, you lost Ami?”

Luna: “I know exactly where she is. Inside the Gingerbread House—”

Rei: “I sense Evil.”

### INSIDE the Gingerbread House

Creepy Princess blows hallucinogenic dust on everyone. Overcome by the illusion, they collapse, and the energy drain ensues.

### OUTSIDE:

Usagi /cries. “Ami’s gonna die!”

Rei: “¡Damn it, stop crying and help me blast down this door!”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: **11**

Usagi into Disguise Form: 4

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 2

Rei into Sailor Mars: **2**

### BANZAI!

They charge inside… and promptly get a faceful of hallucinogenic dust.

Creepy Princess: “hello i am pleased to meet you”

Usagi: “Pleased to meet you as well, I guess.”

Creepy Princess /readies her basilisk. “please hold out your hand”

Usagi /holds out hand. “Okay…?”

Rei /blocks Usagi with her own hand. “¡Idiot!”

Rei gets bit by the basilisk instead.

Rei is turning into stone!

Usagi /cries. “No! Rei’s gonna die!”

Rei: “¿This? This is nothing. So don’t cry.”

Rei /uses ofuda.

Rei is no longer cursed!

Usagi /cries. “Yay! Rei’s gonna live!”

Rei: “…”

Creepy Princess: “er excuse me i think i had better go now”

Creepy Princess /head and limbs retract, and body starts to spin.

Usagi and Rei /brace for the explosion.

Creepy Princess /extrudes a new head and limbs, and changes color.

`<< Creepy Princess transforms into Creepy Puppet! >>`

Usagi: “Okay, enough fooling around. I am the ride that breaks down and forces Crime to sit upside-down in the dark for hours: I AM SAILOR MOON. And I can’t forgive you for using the innocent dreams of young maidens!”

Rei: “¿…When you say ‘maidens’, are you referring to yourself?”

Usagi: “…Wait, you mean you’re not?”

Rei: “¡That’s… That’s none of your business!”

Creepy Puppet: “oo i’m so scared” /blows more hallucinogenic dust.

### A NEW DREAM: A pleasant field and forest.

Luna: “Be careful, guys! It’s another illusion!”

Rei: “Don’t worry, we’re alert this time.”

Usagi: “Yeah, we’re not going to fall for any stupid tricks!”

Enter Tuxedo Mask.

Usagi: “See? Obvious trap.”

—riding a horse.

Rei: “…but it might _not_ be.”

—riding a _unicorn_.

Usagi and Rei run off to play with Tuxedo Mask for ever and ever.

Luna /facepalm.

### SUDDENLY:

Enter the _real_ Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, armed with +3 blessed throwing roses.

Tuxedo Mask stuns Creepy Puppet!

Usagi and Rei wake up and feel ashamed of themselves.

Tuxedo Mask: “Never give up!”

Exit Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, with swirl of cape.

Creepy Puppet resets!

Usagi and Rei run away!

### THE NEXT ROOM:

Luna: “Okay, wake Ami up and let’s do this!”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 11

Usagi into Disguise Form: 4

Ami into Sailor Mercury: **3**

Rei into Sailor Mars: 2

### SIDEBAR:

Permit me to interrupt the action here to point out something I notice about their facial expressions, as the three girls head into battle. Usagi is, as usual, screwing up her courage, Rei is wearing her habitual glare of righteous indignation, and Ami… is smiling.

And it is not a happy smile.

It is a _Black Lagoon_ smile.

Ami Mizuno, Sailor Mercury, is not simply looking forward to this, she is _getting off on this._ Ami will feel deep and visceral pleasure in crushing this demon beneath her booted feet, and will later remember this event and laugh in a way that makes others feel profoundly uncomfortable. Ami cannot wait for the day she learns a decent attack technique.

Ami has deeply-concealed issues.

### BOSS BATTLE:

` **AMI : TECH > BUBBLE1 : CREEPUPPET** `

Rei can fly!

Rei /flashes her panties at Creepy Puppet, stunning it!

### WAIT, WHAT?

Luna: “No, he’s right. There was a rather surprising panty shot during her flying ofuda attack. I didn’t expect that.”

Usagi: “So is that what’s meant by a ‘prayer strip’?”

Rei: “I’m _so sorry_ that your silly uniform doesn’t come with athletic shorts. I won’t hold back in a fight because of a wardrobe malfunction.”

### BOSS BATTLE:

` **USAGI : DUAL-TECH > REI > FIRE TIARA : CREEPUPPET** `

Creepy Puppet: “shit”

`<< Creepy Puppet is slain! >>`

`<< Ami has levelled up! >>`

`<< Rei has levelled up! New Dual-Technique mastered! >>`

`<< Usagi has levelled up! New Dual-Technique mastered! >>`

### IN ANOTHER PART OF THE BUILDING:

Jadeite: “I am _fucked_.”

### DENOUEMENT:

The Gingerbread House collapses into dust and blows away. No one seems to notice the loss of an entire building, the pile of corpses in the middle of the amusement park, or Jadeite slinking away.

Luna: “And the moral of this adventure was, teamw–”

Usagi: “Rei got more ice cream than I did!”

Rei: “¡Did not!”

Usagi: “Did too!”

Rei: “¡Did not!”

Usagi: “Did too!”

Rei: “¡Did not!”

Usagi: “Did too!”

Rei: “¡Did too!”

Usagi: “Did not!”

Rei: “Glad you agree with me.”


	12. EPISODE #12: I Want a Boyfriend, Too! A Trap on a Luxury Cruise Ship.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the one with Thetis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an episode about shipping.
> 
> Originally uploaded 30 AUG 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10841687>.

### RECAP

(singing) “Usagi’s got your number, Usagi ain’t your friend. Look who took you under with seven inches in. Blood is on the dance floor, blood is on the knife; Usagi’s—”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

### APPARENTLY demons have mission recorders, because Jadeite is watching one of the recent reels.

Replay: “…Moon Tiara Action!” *BLAM!* *static*

Jadeite: “They just get more powerful. How am I going to–?”

With a swirl of seawater, in comes a lady fae with long green hair, matching dress, and opera gloves.

Jadeite: “…Thetis.”

Thetis: “Jadite.”

The subtitles say “Tetis”, but I know a mythological reference when I see one.

Thetis: “You haven’t returned any of my calls…”

Jadeite: “You’re one of Queen Beryl’s personal hand-maidens. I simply cannot believe that your ‘interest’ in me is anything but spying for her.”

Thetis: “And if I helped you with your mission? I have a solid plan, and I’ll share it with you freely. Would that prove me true?”

Jadeite: “…It depends on the results.”

### AND SO:

A television advertisement for “Operation Romantic Cruise”—take your loved one for a beautiful night on the sea, etc. etc.

Of course Usagi is moved by longing.

Naru: “But it’s booked a month in advance.”

Umino: “The MV _Freewinds_ travels from Tokyo to Yokohama and back, and has a passenger capacity of 666, which is not at all significant. I’d bet any couple that went on such a cruise would be guaranteed to fall in love, hey, wink, wink?”

Usagi /slugs Umino in the arm. “Yeah, or _not_.”

Umino /ow. “I guess it’s a good thing I gave up those tickets then.”

Naru: “ _You got the promo tickets everyone’s been wanting?_ ”

Umino: “Well, yeah, but it’s past my bed-time anyway, so I gave 'em to the lady next door…”

Naru /slugs Umino in the arm.

Umino / _ow_. “Well, if you really wanted some, there’s a raffle at the mall…”

### USAGI BREAKS THE SOUND BARRIER getting to the mall.

…and loses the raffle. Repeatedly.

Rei /just happens by, and listens to Usagi’s explanation. “¡Ha! ¿You really want this silly prize? I, of course, haven’t any such interest in such childish things.”

Rei /pushes her way up to the raffle machine.

Rei: “¡HEAR ME O SPIRITS!”

Rei /draws.

Rei wins!

Rei: :D :D :D

Usagi: “You are such a hypocrite.”

### SHORTLY THEREAFTER:

Ami: “What did I miss?”

Luna: “Their usual comedy routine.”

Usagi: “But you said you weren’t even interested! Why not give the tickets to me?”

Rei: “Once I’ve got 'em, I’m _using_ them.”

Rei: “…If I could only find a date.”

Usagi: “Me! Pick me!”

Rei: “Someone who was really into me and was really into this sort of romantic thing.”

Usagi: “Here! Right here!”

Rei: “Hey, Ami. ¿Can I talk to you for a second?”

### A PRIVATE CONVERSATION:

Ami: “…”

Rei: “¿What?”

Ami: “I don’t know, Rei, it sounded like Usagi really wanted to–”

Rei: “Ugh, no. Look, come on, we’ll both go, and we can both find boyfriends _there_. ¿Right? I mean, there’ll be a singles bar or something.”

Ami: “Eehhhhhh… all right, I guess.”

Rei: “Just tell your parents it’s a field trip or whatever.”

Usagi /was spying on the whole thing! “Ah-ha! So Rei _doesn’t_ have a guy!”

Luna: “I wish she would be this proactive in other areas.”

### THAT EVENING: The Cruise Ship.

All the couples are boarding.

Rei: “We are _not_ a couple.”

Ami: “Well, technically, we’re sort of a couple.”

Luna: “Oh, darn, there’s no way to sneak on board. I guess you’ll have to–”

Usagi: “Isn’t that what the disguise pen is for?”

Luna: “You’re only supposed to use that for Great Justice!”

Usagi: “'Xackly!” /disguise pen. “MAKE ME A BEAUTIFUL CAMERA WOMAN!”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 11

Usagi into Disguise Form: **5**

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 3

Rei into Sailor Mars: 2

### USAGI IS NOW

…in her early twenties, and totally rocking the cute tomboy look. Short hair, jeans, striped t-shirt, canvas jacket, _New York Herald-Tribune_ press pass, and camera bag, into which she stuffs Luna under protest. Usagi sneaks in through the cargo lock.

I keep watching the crowd shots for cameos, but aside from Thetis’s remarkable resemble to Yuri from _Dirty Pair_ , I don’t see any.

### UP ON DECK: Captain Jadeite is cleverly disguised as a pretty boy _Mediterranean or Indian_ ship captain.

First Mate Thetis: “You look better as a brunette.”

Captain Jadeite: “Perhaps it was time for a change. Okay, I admit I am impressed.”

First Mate Thetis: “Evil Seawater Powers, a derelict ship, and the ocean on a starry night…”

Captain Jadeite: “You do know how to arrange a date.”

### CAST OFF!

Rei: “…Does this ship seem dangerously unstable to you?”

Ami: “I don’t know, I’ve never–”

Rei: “–been on a ship. Yeah, yeah.”

Ami: “Did you notice that we’re the only girls who came together?”

Rei: “No surprise, given that gay couples were less open in the early 1990s, and Japan’s a fairly conservative culture–”

Ami: “Yes, but I don’t see any singles, either. Men or women.”

Rei: “Damn it. Well, okay, new plan, with all these couples around, someone’s _bound_ to break up, and _that’s_ when we move in.”

Ami: “I shoulda' stood in bed.”

### THE ENGINE ROOM: Usagi is playing around with her camera.

Luna: “Shouldn’t there be, you know, _engines_ here?”

Usagi: “I dunno. Uh-oh, someone’s coming, get down!”

Captain Jadeite: “What’s all this, then? This is a restricted area.”

Usagi: “Er… I got lost!”

Usagi /eyes Jadeite with approval. “…Maybe I’ve been a bad girl?”

Jadeite: “Eh?”

Luna (inside the bag) /hackles rise.

Luna (inside the bag) senses great evil!

### ODD TENSION ENSUES:

Our two opposites have finally met face to face—and unawares.

In person, Jadeite is actually quite polite and charming. Girl Reporter Usagi is _incredibly_ attractive, and trying to put on the moves. Jadeite is pleasantly surprised by her attentions, and under other circumstances might consider angling for a one night stand, but _his_ spider sense is tingling and he can’t figure out why “this slip of a girl” is setting it off. And anyway he’s sort of on a date already. So instead he puts on the professional patter and gallantly escorts her toward the upper decks, while she leans on his arm and pretends to listen.

First Mate Thetis /approaches. “Captain, it’s about time, sir.”

Captain Jadeite: “Excellent! Your pardon, miss, but duty calls. You’ll find the Lido Deck right through there.”

Girl Reporter Usagi: “Sigh. Thank you!”

{Usagi has left the scene.}

First Mate Thetis: “Who’s she?” /not jealous at all, just curious.

Captain Jadeite: “Some cub reporter who stowed away. Shall we set to work?”

### IN THE PASSAGE:

Luna /stops holding breath. “USAGI THIS SHIP IS FULL OF MONSTER AURA! Follow those two!”

Usagi /?!

### THE CAPTAIN’S CABIN:

Captain Jadeite: “We’ve almost reached peak energy!”

First Mate Thetis: “In a minute, we can take all the love energy from all six hundred passengers at _once._ ”

First Mate Thetis: “Well?”

Captain Jadeite: “I’ll congratulate you when it works.”

First Mate Thetis: “It’ll work. And I hope you’ll notice me a little more.”

Captain Jadeite: “I might.”

Usagi /was spying on the whole thing! “Damn it, why are the nice guys always demons?”

### CUT TO: The Dining Room.

Ami /embarrassed.

Rei /very loudly: “IF I CAN’T FIND A BOYFRIEND HERE, THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME EATING ALL I WANT. ¡Waiter, more wine cooler!”

_Bing-bong!_

P.A. Announcement: “Attention all passengers! We will be presenting a special perfectly safe show in the Reception Hall, in just a few minutes! Thank you, and enjoy the rest of the cruise!”

_Bing-bong!_

Ami /hurriedly. “Let’s check out the show!”

### AND SO: The Reception Hall with Evil Disco Ball.

Ami: “Uh-oh.”

Thetis, in a nice Chinese dress: “And now, the most romantic show you will ever see! BWA-HA-HA-HA!”

Everyone collapses, energy utterly drained.

Except Rei and Ami.

Rei and Ami /in unison: “…Monster.”

Jadeite: “Looks like you missed a couple.”

Thetis: “Frell! You two, why didn’t you come here with boys?!”

Rei: “… _Shut up!_ ”

Ami: “That’s none of your business.”

Thetis: “Minions! Seize them!”

Jadeite: “I’ve tried that. It usually doesn’t work.”

`<< Crew transform into Saltwater Golems! >>`

`<< Saltwater Golems attacks! >>`

Rei and Ami stand back to back and chop the golems in half with folding chairs. Well, mostly Rei does the chopping, but Ami watches her back.

The Saltwater Golems simply reassemble themselves.

Jadeite: “Not bad.”

Rei: “Frell!”

Ami: “We can’t transform now – they’ll identify us!”

Thetis: “Okay, I admit my plan wasn’t 100% effective, but I think we still did pretty good.”

Jadeite: “You know what? Granted. Your minions can handle this; shall we go?”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: **12**

Usagi into Disguise Form: 5

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 3

Rei into Sailor Mars: 2

### FIGHT!

The P.A. system starts to play, “Blood is on the Dance Floor.”

Usagi /bursts in, dramatically lit. “How dare you steal energy only from lovers! What about those poor girls who _don’t have anyone_!”

Rei: “…¡Stop helping me!”

Usagi: “I am th–”

Thetis: “Dogfood, bitch!”

Thetis bodychecks Usagi out the plate-glass window, throws her on the deck by her neck, then summons up giant waterspouts to kill her, all in less time then it takes to say it.

Luna: “Sailor Moon, be careful!”

Usagi /dodging and rolling and jumping over craters in the deck. “NO SHIT!”

A fireball erupts from inside the Reception Hall. Out of the flames stride Sailors Mars and Mercury.

Rei /blows smoke from her fingertips.

Ami: “Bored now.”

` **AMI : TECH > BUBBLE1 : Thetis** `

Thetis is blinded.

` **REI : TECH > DRAGONSLAVE : Thetis** `

Thetis is staggered.

` **USAGI : TECH > MOONTIARA : Thetis** `

`<< Thetis is slain! >>`

Ami: “And that’s all she wrote.”

Jadeite /enters dramatically, unmasked. “ _I have no idea_ where you three came from, or those other three girls went, but that doesn’t concern me now. You seem to be more powerful than ever before.”

Usagi: “That’s bec–”

Jadeite /charges up an attack. “But _this_ time, I’ll make sure that–”

_POIT!_

{Jadeite has left the scene.}

All: “…”

Usagi: “Er… he ran away?”

### ELSEWHERE:

Jadeite /was just summoned. “–you _beg_ before I end it, you little–? Eep! Your Majes–”

Queen Beryl /via satellite. “WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE SEVEN HELLS DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!”

Jadeite: “I was just about to kill the Sailor–!”

Queen Beryl: “I don’t want to hear any more of your wishful thinking, Jadeite! Your dicking around just got Thetis killed! I felt her death scream from halfway around Creation. I will _not_ permit you to sacrifice my best servants on the altar of your own–”

Jadeite: “It was Thetis’s idea!”

Queen Beryl: “My hand-maidens know better than to fool around with the _hired help_. I want you in my court, in person, _yesterday_ , and your lies had better be _flawless_. END OF LINE.”

### DENOUEMENT:

The glamour is lifted, the passengers awaken in a daze, and the derelict ship slowly begins to sink in Yokohama harbor. It turns out that the Coast Guard has been trailing the ship ever since it blitzed out of Tokyo port without proper radio procedures. While the Harbor Patrol begins the rescue effort, Usagi and Rei bicker, Luna sighs, and Ami studies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Rehostening note: In the original post, I rendered her as Tethys, because it wasn’t until the next day that I remembered Thetis. I corrected it in this upload._
> 
> _The hoary old parody below occurred in the discussion thread, and I decided to bring it back here._
> 
> (I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… actually, I’m probably not.)
> 
> Luna: “What manner of woman are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?”
> 
> Rei: “I… am a shrine maiden.”
> 
> Luna: “By what name are you known?”
> 
> Rei: “There are some who call me… … …Rei?”
> 
> Luna: “Greetings, Rei the Shrine Maiden.”
> 
> Rei: “Greetings, Luna!”
> 
> Luna: “You know my name?”
> 
> Rei: “I do.” *whooosh fire* “You seek the Moon Princess!”
> 
> Luna: “That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Rei.”
> 
> Rei: “Quite.” *pweeng boom*
> 
> (General applause.)
> 
> Luna: “Yes, we’re, we’re looking for the Princess. Our quest is to find the Moon Princess.”
> 
> (General assent.)
> 
> Luna: “And so we’re, we’re, we’re, we’re looking for her.”
> 
> (General assent.)
> 
> Ami: “We have been for some time.”
> 
> Usagi: “Ages.”
> 
> Luna: “Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be… very… helpful.”
> 
> Usagi: “Look, can you tell us wh–”
> 
> Rei: *BOOM*
> 
> Luna: “Fine, um, I don’t want to waste any more of your time, but, uh, I don’t suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh—”
> 
> Rei: “A what…?”
> 
> Luna: “A p–, a p–”
> 
> Rei: “A PRINCESS?!”
> 
> Luna: “Yes, I think so.”
> 
> Rei: “Yes!”
> 
> Luna: “Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.”
> 
> Rei: *blam blam blam blam blam blam*
> 
> Rei: *blam*
> 
> Luna: “Look, you’re a busy woman, uh–”
> 
> Rei: “Yes, I can help you find the Moon Princess.”
> 
> Luna: “Oh, thank you.”
> 
> Rei: “Follow! But! Follow only if ye be women of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no one yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave senshi, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth.”
> 
> Luna: “…What an eccentric performance.”


	13. EPISODE #13: Girls Unite: The End of Jadeite.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Sailors break an airplane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally uploaded 2 SEP 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10859252>.

### RECAP

“Lemon curry?”

### LENG: This shit just got real.

Queen Beryl: “No excuses, no promises, no ‘cunning plans.’ You’ve gathered us a lot of energy, and I’m tolerably grateful for that, but you’ve also permitted not just one but _three_ teenaged humans to walk all over our plans, repeatedly. I’ll use short words: You kill them or I kill you. Dismissed.”

### TSUKINO RESIDENCE: Usagi and Luna are watching the stars.

Usagi: (singing) “True love can be whispered from heart to heart / When lovers are parted, they say / But I must depend on a wish and a star / As long as my heart doesn’t know who you are / Sweet dreams, be yours, dear, if dreams there be / Sweet dreams to carry you close to me / I wish they may and I wish they might / Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight…”

Usagi: “Sigh. Wouldn’t it be convenient if Motoki and Tuxedo Mask were the same guy?”

Luna: “Usagi’s love is like the foam of the sea.”

Usagi: “Beautiful and delicate?”

Luna: “Impermanent and salty.”

### SUDDENLY: Jadeite’s face appears in the sky.

Usagi /!

Luna /CAT FREAK-OUT.

All Tokyo listens as Jadeite issues a challenge to the Sailors: “Haneda Airport, Runway F, 0100 hours tomorrow night. Be there, or I’ll burn Tokyo to the ground!” *snap snap snap!*

Usagi: “Oh no he didn’t!”

### AND SO: Planning session at the temple grounds.

Rei: “¡We’ve been called out! Let’s burn his ass.”

Ami: “Why play his game and walk into his trap? If we take him, let’s take him on our terms.”

Rei: “I’d rather not see Tokyo nuked thankyouverymuch.”

Ami: “Frankly, I doubt he actually has that kind of power. He’s bluffing.”

Luna: “Usagi, what’s your vote?”

Usagi: “…I vote for the one where we get to stay home where it’s safe!”

Rei: “And here I thought you liked me.”

### THE NEWS REPORTS:

“…Tokyo Metropolitan Police are investigating the incident as a harmless prank, perhaps by university students, but due to concerns about terrorism, police have been despatched to protect the airport.”

### AT SCHOOL:

Umino: “It’s an alien invasion!”

Naru: “I don’t think it’s aliens. Trust me on this one.”

Student #1: “Hey, let’s go there and watch tonight!”

Student #2: “Great idea! What could possibly go wrong?”

Usagi: “Of all the stupid– It’ll be dangerous! Do you want to get caught in the crossfire?!”

Umino: “Crossfire of what?”

Usagi: “Of the– er– um–”

Umino “What do you know that I don’t?”

Usagi /Subject Changing Prana. “Besides, it’s a school night, and we should be studying!”

Umino /dies.

Naru: “Who are you, and where have you tied up the real Usagi?”

Ms. Haruna /checks Usagi’s temperature.

Usagi: “I try to actually be serious like everyone wants me to be, and you people make fun of it!”

Usagi /cries.

Ms. Haruna: “Oh, thank goodness, she’s back to normal!”

### LATER: The Video Game Arcade

Usagi: “–and everyone makes fun of it!”

Motoki: “But saying crazed things is part of your endearing charm! It’s one reason why I like you.”

Usagi: “ _Really?_ ” /floats out of the arcade.

…and trips over Mamoru!

Mamoru: “Again with the shoe throwing? You’re out to get me, you strange little person.”

Usagi: “Some guys _like_ strange! So there!”

Mamoru: “Some guys are losers with no taste.”

Usagi: “…”

Mamoru /suddenly realizes he went too far.

Usagi: “YOU’RE MEAN.” /cries

Usagi /and cries

Usagi /and cries

Everyone in earshot sees a mean man making a younger schoolgirl cry.

Mamoru /stammers an apology and flees.

### THAT NIGHT: Haneda Airport.

Uniformed police and counter-sniper teams are on duty, and have the area fenced off to prevent curious onlookers. There’s probably a news crew roaming about with telephoto lenses hoping for a scoop.

Enter Jadeite, illuminated by spotlights. “Sleep, my pretties! BWAHAHAHA!” /casts spell.

### CUT TO: Hamamatsuchô Station, Tokyo Monorail Platform.

[The author would take to extend his grateful thanks to the Wikipedia Foundation for making researching these locations simple.]

Enter our heroes, bickering as usual.

Usagi: “…oh, _darn_ , the train isn’t running.”

Ami: “I told you, it’s after hours and it’ll be closed. And you know, I don’t think there even _is_ a Runway F at Tokyo International.”

Rei: “¿We could take a taxi?”

Suddenly, the Monorail powers up and the doors slide open. There is no one in sight.

Rei: “…I think we’ve been offered an invitation.” /leads the way.

### A LONG TRIP OUT:

They watch the lights of the city and consider the battle to come.

Luna: “…oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit…”

Usagi: “Are you okay?”

Luna /thinks: “They’re gonna screw up. They’re gonna screw up.”

Luna /says out loud: “I’ve got a _bad_ feeling about this one, but you’ll do _fine_.”

### THE AIRPORT:

Usagi: “Well, there’s the police. Looks like nothing’s happening.”

Ami: “There should be several members of the Tokyo Special Assault Team somewhere around. It’s a wonder we haven’t been spot–”

Rei: “¡I SENSE SAKKI!”

Out of nowhere, police officers try to attack the kids with fists and bludgeons. Rei counterattacks with a few karate moves—and I assume it really _is_ karate, and not some other striking art—which throws them off balance for a moment.

Usagi: “Again with the zombiefied minions?”

Rei: “Run like hell!”

### OUT ONTO THE TARMAC:

The kids are running out of breath, and the mob of policemen is gaining.

Ami /gets that Rock Okajima look. “…I’m not running away any more.”

Rei: “I’m with you.”

Usagi: “What? Oh, yeah, _powers_.”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

This time with new music!

Usagi into Sailor Moon: **13**

Usagi into Disguise Form: 5

Ami into Sailor Mercury: **4**

Rei into Sailor Mars: **3**

### FIGHT!

Usagi: “I hate fighting zombies. Hate it! Hate it! It’s so bloody tedious!”

Rei simply fireballs the fuck out of the mob of policemen. Flaming bits rain down everywhere.

Usagi: “I AM SO HOT FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.”

Rei /¿?

Ami /putting aside her tricorder. “It’s a good thing those weren’t real humans.”

Rei: “…”

Rei: “…Yes. Yes. It’s a good thing they weren’t real humans, as they clearly were not.”

Rei: “Eh-heh.”

Luna: “…”

Jadeite /suddenly reveals himself. “GOTCHA! I saw you transform! Now I know your secret identities!”

All: “Frell!”

Jadeite: “Not that it matters. ‘The life of a flower is short and full of suffering.’”

Usagi: “They say, ‘Beauty and good fortune seldom go hand in hand.’”

Rei: “¿Just what part of you is beautiful?”

Usagi: “Well, at least I’ll die prettier than you.”

Rei: “¿Seriously, which part? Name one.”

Usagi: “My… _nose_.” /cutely beeps.

Rei: “¡Ha! A monkey has—”

Ami: “ENOUGH ALREADY!”

Jadeite: “Don’t mind me, I’m finding all this quite amusing.”

Ami: “Let’s get on with it, please.”

Jadeite: “If you insist. Behold!”

### ALL ACROSS THE TARMAC:

Empty jet planes begin spinning up—and start homing in on the Senshi.

Usagi: “Luna! Come up with a plan!”

Luna: “RUN!”

Ami: “Cute! Cute plan!”

### SURROUNDED BY ANGRY JET PLANES!

Rei /rolls up sleeves. “One Dragon Slave, coming up—”

Luna: “Do you have any idea how much a jet plane costs?!”

Rei: “They can _bill_ me.”

Ami: “I’m sorry, Mars, but I do not want to be covered in flaming jet fuel before I’m eighteen. There’s a blast radius on those things, you know.”

Usagi: “Well, think of something, because we’re _running out of runway_.”

### FORTUNATELY:

Enter Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, armed with +3 blessed throwing roses.

Tuxedo Mask: “Having fun making little girls cry?”

Jadeite: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

Tuxedo Mask can fly!

So can Jadeite!

They have a manly fist-fight in mid-air!

And then crash-land in the Bay, because they can’t do two things at once.

### UNFORTUNATELY:

Only Jadeite emerges from the water.

Usagi /NOOOOOO. “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Jadeite: “Yes—he’s dead, so cry and fail! Can you do nothing without the help of a man?! Women are such foolish creatures in the end!”

Shocked pause.

Rei /starts laughing and can’t stop.

Ami: “I believe the ‘gentleman’ is under the mistaken impression that this is the _Eighteen_ -Nineties.”

Usagi: “ _Let’s show this prehistoric son-of-a-bitch how we do things downtown._ ”

### BOSS BATTLE!

Ami /creates fog.

Usagi /sprints out of the fogbank, drawing the planes off.

Usagi /waves arms. “Look! I’m a decoy!”

Jadeite /stands his ground. “Yes, I see that. Where are—?”

Ami /does the tap on the shoulder and fake away trick.

Jadeite /throws a plane at her.

Rei /slaps a “KICK ME” prayer strip on Jadeite’s back while he’s distracted.

Jadeite /spins around and claws at his back. “What—?”

Usagi: “Say ‘what’ again, I dare you!”

Jadeite: “What?”

Usagi: “Japanese, kono-yaro! Do. You. Speak. It?”

Jadeite /runs free of the fog, finally locating the Senshi.

### LENG:

Jadeite /stumbles in, clothes ripped and scorched, hair mussed, tire marks up his back.

Jadeite /gasping. “Milady, at tremendous personal cost, I have discovered the identities of—”

Queen Beryl: “You have failed me for the last time, Jadeite.”

Queen Beryl /sends Jadeite to the cornfield.

Queen Beryl: “You are in command now, _Admiral_ Nephrite.”

### DENOUEMENT:

Luna: “Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most… feline. Okay, let’s go.”

Usagi /sniffs, sobs. “But–”

Enter Tuxedo Mask, dripping.

Tuxedo Mask: “Thank you for worrying about me! But I do not die so easily. You may each ask one question.”

Ami: “Why do you always come to our rescue?”

Rei: “¿Who are you, really?”

Usagi: “Do you _like_ like me, or just like me?”

Tuxedo Mask: “And that’s all the time we have! Believe in yourselves! Hi-yo, Silver, away!”

And Tuxedo Mask flies into the setting moon.

Ami: “…Wow, he’s cute.”

Usagi: “Not you, too?!”

Luna /didn’t get to ask a question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt I should do something special for the end of the story arc. _[Rehostening note: This was the first time I did a cartoon.]_
> 
> We are rapidly approaching my personal Sailor Moon Experiential Horizon, i.e. the point beyond which I haven’t seen any episodes. I’ve only seen the first handful of episodes of the second story arc. _[Rehostening note: As of the original posting, that is.]_
> 
> Here’s hoping Nephrite gets a chance to file a sexual harassment suit against what’s-his-name.


	14. Illustrated RECAP of Episodes 01-13 (loosely interpreted)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _[Rehostening note: This was the very first of the soon-to-become-infamous illustrated "recaps". I had no idea what work I was making for myself.]_
> 
> Originally uploaded 4 SEP 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10867582>.

## Transcript

### Image 1

Once in a while, I take a “sketchpad” day, and just go nuts, drawing utter nonsense and/or drawing someone else’s characters, for fun, and to clear the mind. Since today’s nonsense works well with this thread, here is…

IN WHICH SHADOWJACK WATCHES SAILOR MOON (Episodes 01–13, loosely interpreted)

This is a story about how a bunch of 14-year-old dorks (but I repeat myself) save the world, and in the process grow up a bit.

  


This is USAGI. By her own admission, she’s a klutz, a space-case, and a crybaby. But she also has a good heart and a talent for amateur dramatics. She has just reached that awkward age where you don’t want to act like a kid any more, but don’t know how to act otherwise, and everyone else still thinks of you as a kid anyway.

By night, she is SAILOR MOON, the terror that trips in the night, the pebble in the left shoe of the infernal on a 20-K hike. Now that she (finally!) has the hang of her powers, she’s very flexible on offense and SUPERB at avoiding injury, thanks to years of practice dodging responsibility.

Her Best Friend Forever is NARU, a nice girl with naturally curly hair. Her mom runs a jewelry store downtown, and travels a lot on business.

Both girls are sort of being stalked by UMINO, the class nerd.

Usagi’s crushes THIS week include:

#1) MOTOKI, the guy who runs the video arcade.

#2) TUXEDO MASK, a mysterious caped hero.

#3) REI, a Shinto shrine maiden of local repute.

It keeps her life interesting.

Usagi also has a magic pen that can disguise her as a grown-up, thereby allowing her to get into bars. If only she knew what to do when she got there.

### Image 2

Many are the times that LUNA has wondered if her oracular abilities misfired when they led her to select Usagi as her human. If Usagi’s dad knew that it was Luna who’s been drinking all his Yebisu, he would not begrudge it to her. He knows his daughter can be a handful.

Luna is very busy the 6 hours a day that she’s awake, combing the city for signs and portents, and advising the kids in battle besides. She claims to be on a sacred mission and hints at secret sources of feline knowledge, but it’s increasingly clear to everyone that she’s playing this mostly by ear and whisker.

This is probably why she has a short temper for Usagi’s antics – the girl’s occasional flashes of brilliance are all TOO occasional for Luna’s taste. Still, they have established a good working relationship, despite a fairly rocky start…

### Image 3

This is AMI.

Ami is one of the brightest students, if not THE brightest student, in the country. Rumor has it she has one of the highest IQ ratings in the world, but you know rumors. In any case, she’s well-read and a little sheltered, which makes her a good “straight man” for the others.

She confesses that she has no hobbies, appears to have no other friends, and seems not to have much in the way of a familiy life…

…which might explain the INTENSITY that she brings to her position as SAILOR MERCURY, mistress of bubbles. She certainly seems to enjoy the work more visercally than the others do. It makes her… smile.

Unfortunately, she has to date been relegated to a support role, due to lack of power output. I mean, really… bubbles? I doubt that she will remain on the back row, however. She has moxie.

### Image 4

This is REI, and I have a suspicion that she lit a lot of fires when she was a wee tyke. As she got older, she channeled that energy into religion, and is now a Shinto shrine maiden of local repute.

She is blessed with second sight, and has only just begun to learn that (1) most other people have not, and (2) this should not be held against them.

I’m told she attends a Catholic school, and so I expect she has an affinity for Saint Barbara (patron saint of artillerists), because Rei’s secret identity is none other than SAILOR MARS, our lady of smoking craters. She is INCREDIBLY destructive on offense, and her Shinto practices give her a wide range of support magic.

Puberty continues to be kind to her. Her current crush is Tuxedo Mask - although one must wonder how much of her interest is genuine, and how much is just to piss off Usagi. (She seems a very competitive gal.) Still, she IS basically “good people.”

Finally, I have been portraying her as Latina for absolutely no good reason at ALL. What can I say? I can’t resist punning cross association. You’re lucky I didn’t draw her with bandages and a plugsuit.

### Image 5

This is… hmm, come to think of it, I don’t think his name has actually come up in the series yet. He’s just “that guy.” But I have read ahead a little, so I know that this is MAMORU, dedicated trainspotter and “Miami Vice” fan. (Every episode on Beta.)

Fate keeps shoving him and Usagi into each other’s paths, but neither of them has taken the hint yet.

Anyway, he bears an astounding resemblance to mysterious caped hero TUXEDO MASK, master of weaponized floriculture, but I’m sure we all know it would be ridiculous to suggest that they were the same man. Tuxedo Mask wears glasses; if he took them off to be Mamoru, he couldn’t see!

### Image 6

This is QUEEN BERYL, our villainess supreme. She rules a faerie court from her skull-encrusted seat on the Plateau of Leng.

She can quit playing WoW any time she wants to.

Her current long-term project is the freeing of her kingdom’s dark lord from some form of extra-dimensional imprisonment, and it’s gotta be done while the stars are right. This leads me to the entirely reasonable conclusion that her husband is CTHULHU.

As the Plan involves an awful lot of waiting around for other people to finish their bits properly, she’s getting a little bored and a little frustrated. The general scheme is to steal the energy of human emotions and make use of that, which seems simple enough, so she can’t quite understand why her minions keep reporting difficulties.

  


Which brings us to JADEITE.

He’s dead. (“Suffering a fate worse than death”, technically, but let’s not quibble.)

Jadeite volunteered himself to head Project Big C, using his smile as collateral, and promised easy pickings and rose petals. He based his predictions on his vast experience of Earthling society, which consisted primarily of one “highly amusing” summer tour of the Third Reich.

Jadeite used every resource he had: he tapped every connection in his little black book, he called in every favor he was owed, he spent every mote of essence he had to his name, and before he was through he even tried getting physical. It availed him not.

The Sailors steamrollered him, and now he’s a wall ornament in Leng.

  


And that’s where things stand as of Episode #13. 


	15. EPISODE #14: A Powerful New Enemy! Nephrite's Evil Crest.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sailor Moon is dribbled by a tennis demon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally uploaded 6 Sept 2009 at https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10872505

###  RECAP

“My name is Usagi Tsukino and I have a magic cat. Together, we fight crime… with the able assistance of the smart and sweet Ami Mizuno, and the slightly quick-tempered psychic girl Rei Hino. Both are so dependable, I feel like I’ll fall behind. But anyway, I just have to do my best!”

“¡HELL YEAH!”

“W00t!”

“High-five! High-fives all around. Good? You like?”

“We like.”

###  LENG

Nephrite, a redheaded Adonis: “Jadeite just stole energy at random, from the common masses. I shall steal energy from elite individuals at the height of their powers!”

Queen Beryl: “Sounds good t–”

Nephrite: “And I shall be guided by ASTROLOGY!”

Zoisite, ponytailed blond /appears. “Yes, because the horoscope is never wrong.”

Nephrite /very serious. “Shut. Up.”

Zoisite /LOL 🙂 XOXOXOXO

{Zoisite has left the scene.}

Queen Beryl: “…”

Queen Beryl /shrugs.

Queen Beryl: “I leave this in your hands.”

###  AND SO

A haunted mountain with a mansion in the center appears on the Overworld Map right next to the town. Of course no one notices.

The Overworld Map music has also changed.

### INSIDE THE HAUNTED MANSION

You cannot deny that Nephrite has an _impressive_ orrery.

WHEEL OF PLANETS, turn, turn, turn! Tell us the victim that he will burn. And today’s victim is: **Tennis Player Rui.**

### THAT DAY AT SCHOOL: We're watching a tennis match.

Usagi: “I can do _this_ exposition! The ponytailed girl that all the paparazzi are after is Rui Saionji, our school’s star tennis player! Now, why do we care?”

Naru: “Because she and I practically grew up together, so we’re like sisters to each other!”

Usagi: “Thank you, Naru!”

Naru: “Thank you, Usagi!”

###  SUDDENLY

Nephrite /is “too cool” to simply _walk_ anywhere.

Nephrite /speeds up to the school in his red Ferrari Testarossa and bootleggers to a stop in the first available parking space.

Nephrite /is revealed, when the crowd parts, to be already standing and watching the game, very seriously.

Nephrite /forward flips over the chainlink fence without even taking his hands out of his pockets, because gates are for squares.

Rumor Mill: “Who is that gorgeous fashion model?”

Rumor Mill: “Supposedly he’s a wealthy and eccentric entrepreneur.”

Naru and Usagi /swoon.

Tennis Player #1: “Uh, dude! Game in progress!”

Nephrite: “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.” /takes Tennis Player #1’s racket.

Nephrite /disarms Rui with a single return service, then shows her what she did wrong.

Rui: “Who are you?”

Nephrite /very serious. “Just a wealthy and eccentric tennis coach.”

Rui: “But your name?”

Nephrite: “Masato… uh… Sanjoin.”

Rui: “Hey, that’s almost an anagram of my last name! Even in kana!”

Nephrite /invests tennis racket with demonic power. Everything goes black and white for a moment.

Nephrite /Subject Changing Prana. “Here’s your racket back.”

Rui /is possessed.

Nephrite: “Try what I showed you. Any volunteers?”

Rui Groupie #1: “Me! Pick me!”

Rui Groupie #2: “Hey, how’d you get in there?”

Tennis Player #1: “Why do we even bother to have a fence up?”

Rui /takes out Groupie #1 with a single shot, disintegrating the ball from the force. Another six inches to the left and that’s not all it would have disintegrated.

Nephrite /disappeared while no one was looking at him.

Rui /takes out every tennis player in school, one after another.

Rui: “SUCH POWER.”

###  THAT NIGHT: Luna checks in at the video arcade.

Friend Computer: “Good evening, Troubleshooter! We have discovered the identity of the Enemy!”

Luna: “Wow, really?”

Friend Computer: “DID YOU DOUBT THE COMPUTER?”

Luna: “No! No, of course not, Friend Computer, I am merely so eager to fight Commie subversion that I don’t know what I’m saying.”

Friend Computer: “Good! Now then: the Enemy belongs to a Secret Society called the Dark Kingdom, and for reasons not available at your security clearance, they are attempting to accumulate human energy. Monitor and terminate! And Have a Nice Day!”

###  PLANNING SESSION at the Shrine.

Rei: “¿Dark Kingdom? ¡Let’s go there and take 'em!”

Phobos: “Yeah, let’s do it!”

Deimos: “We have to find it first.”

Ami: “We’re not high enough level yet.”

Luna: “I agree, you guys need to kill a lot more minibosses before you’ll be ready.”

Usagi: “Or we could play the tennis minigame! I know a really hunky coach…”

Rei: “Oh, ¿so you’re leaving Tuxedo Mask to me?”

Usagi: “What? No. Hell, no. I’m willing to try polyandry.”

Usagi: “What’s that noise?”

Luna /grinding teeth. “I’m glad I have Ami and Rei. If Usagi was all I had, the Dark Kingdom would have drained the whole world by now.”

Rei: “Maybe you made a mistake when you picked her.”

Phobos: “Cat powers aren’t infallible, you know.”

Deimos: “You thought you were supposed to kill Ami instead of recruit her, so maybe instead of recruiting Usagi you were supposed to–”

Usagi: “YOU ALL SUCK.”

Ami: “Come on, guys, she’s not _that_ incompetent!”

Usagi: “AMI YOU’RE MY ONLY TRUE FRIEND.”

Ami: “I’m not sure I’d go that far.”

Usagi: “Oh, go to your cram school.”

### BACK TO THE TENNIS MATCH:

BLAM! Rui shatters another tennis racket, and crushes it beneath her tennis-shod heel.

Tennis Player #1 /cowers.

Rui: “All too easy. MUAHAHAHAHA.”

### NARU'S PLACE

Naru: “I have a desperate need for girltalk.”

Usagi: “At your disposal!”

Naru: “I’m worried about Rui because she always so nice to me and would chase off bullies with a stick when they’d pull my pigtails and she was the model of good sportsmanship but now she’s stomping on people’s rackets and laughing evilly and when she looked at me and told me to go away my neck started hurting again and I’M SCARED.”

Usagi /hugs.

Usagi /rolls up sleeves. “What we need to do is investigate! Don’t worry, I’m kind of becoming an expert at this.”

### METROPOLIS TENNIS CLUB:

Usagi: “I have a bad feeling about this.”

Usagi: “But, hey! I’ll get all the experience for this encounter. BWAHAHA!”

Naru /?

### ON THE COURT: A "cut-throat" game, aka "Australian doubles."

Rui has a serious case of _Black Lagoon_ eyes. Two adult tennis players are on their knees before her, begging for mercy.

Rui: “STAND UP AND DIE LIKE MEN.”

Tennis Player #2: “My arm, she broke my arm!”

Tennis Player #3: “I’m only an amateur! Please, in the name of God, I’ll forfeit!”

Usagi /interposes herself.

Tennis Players /scarper.

Usagi: “You’ve won. Let it go.”

Rui: “GET OUT OF MY WAY!”

Naru: “Rui! What’s happened to you?!”

Rui /swings her racket with the force of a sonic boom. Usagi and Naru go flying.

###  O HORRORS!

The fucking scariest bit of animation in the series to date. All seems to turn blood red, light and shadow twist inward upon each other. Rui screams in pain, her face a contorted mask of pain, her eyes roll up, and she collapses in a twitching heap. The dark energy swirling from her racket begins to coalesce, and then, terrifyingly, assumes the suggestion of a human form… and then abruptly is one.

Pause.

Usagi: “What the fuck is the point of making an awesome entrance like that, if you’re going to ruin it by manifesting as a _middle-aged retro-80s drag queen?!_ ”

Tennis Demon: “Shut up!”

Naru: “Wait, is that a demon?”

Usagi: “The blast didn’t knock you out? You’re still conscious?”

Naru: “Why, is there something I’m not supposed to–?”

Usagi /karate chops Naru on the back of the head.

Naru /K.O.

Usagi: “Looks like it’s time for action!”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: **14**

Usagi into Disguise Form: 5

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 4

Rei into Sailor Mars: 3

###  FIGHT!

Usagi: “I am the terror that trips in the night, I am the rain that makes your tennis balls cold and wet and waterlogged and so unpleasant to handle that even the dog doesn’t want them. I AM SAILOR MOON!”

` Demon uses Lethal Magic Serve upon Usagi! `

` Usagi receives Tennis Ball status condition! `

The attack encases Usagi in a giant tennis ball, her limbs and head exposed, inventing a new fetish.

Usagi: “Aw, hell no!”

The demon proceeds to bounce Usagi all around the court, into various uncomfortable positions.

Usagi: “guess”

Usagi: “I”

Usagi: “should”

Usagi: “have”

Usagi: “brought”

Usagi: “back”

Usagi: “up”

### BUT WAIT, WHO'S THIS?

Enter Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, armed with +3 blessed throwing roses.

Tennis Demon: “You want to end up a tennis ball like her?”

Tuxedo Mask: “It looks like fun.”

Usagi: “I don’t like you anymore!”

Tuxedo Mask: “Why don’t you try it yourself?”

Tennis Demon: “Bite me!”

Chair Umpire: “Code Violation!”

###  BATTLE STAGE 2:

` Demon attacks Tuxedo Mask! `

` Tuxedo Mask dodges! `

Tuxedo Mask /disarms the Tennis Demon with the Compliant Rod.

Usagi is freed!

Usagi /applauds. “ _Nice_ rod!”

Tuxedo Mask: “Monkey King lent it to me. Fireballs.”

Usagi: “Fireballs?”

` Demon uses Fireballs! `

`Tuxedo Mask dodges! `

`Usagi dodges, barely! `

` Demon uses Fireballs! `

`Usagi dodges! `

`Demon uses Fireballs! `

`Usagi dodges! `

`Demon uses Fireballs! `

`Usagi dodges! `

Usagi: “Help!”

Tuxedo Mask /swoops in and scoops up Usagi, just like Superman and Lois Lane.

`Tuxedo Mask is now a playable character. `

Usagi: “Awesome!”

` **??????? : TECH > ROSE2 : DEMON ** `

Tuxedo Mask /throws a rose in the demon’s fucking face!

`Tennis Demon is blinded!`

`Tuxedo Mask is out of energy!`

Tuxedo Mask /collapses.

Tuxedo Mask: “Don’t worry about me!”

Usagi: “Okay!”

` **USAGI : TECH > MOONTIARA : DEMON ** `

`Demon is slain!`

`Tuxedo Mask has levelled up! New technique mastered!`

`Usagi has levelled up!`

`Rei, Ami, and Luna have arrived!`

Chair Umpire: “Game, set, match to Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask.”

`Tuxedo Mask has left the party.`

Usagi: “Frell! What, only three characters at a time?”

Rei /takes in the wrecked and smoldering tennis court and clubhouse.

Rei: “Not bad.”

Luna: “…hell, I don’t like tennis anyway. We’ll call this a job well done.”

Ami /sulks.

### DENOUEMENT

Naru: “Rui’s all back to normal, and says she doesn’t remember a thing.”

Usagi: “A completely reasonable and acceptable excuse.”

Rui: “Wanna play a little, Naru?”🙂

Naru /giggles. “Sure, but go easy on me!”

Rui /serves.

Naru /smashes the ball directly into Usagi’s head.

Usagi /K.O.

Naru: “Gosh, I don’t remember a thing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _[Rehostening note: On the discussion forum, we had a side tangent about what sort of game system was in use.]_
> 
> They seem to be playing a console JRPG system of some kind. Usagi’s the Black Mage, Rei’s the Red Mage, and Ami is a Time Mage or Chemist or White Mage or something. You keep Ami on the back row, lay out Bubble at the start of the fight, then have her cast Haste and Healing while Usagi keeps busting out Moon and Slow spells, and Rei just uses Fire all the time, and Cure if anyone picks up a Status effect. (Yeah, she also gets Demi and Stone, but no one ever uses those, or Ami’s Peek.)
> 
> God knows what the random encounter grinding is like in this game. Maybe it’s like _Earthbound_ ; a walk down the street to school means fights with a stray dog, a space alien, and three members of a 1980s ethnically-diverse street gang.
> 
> And the Jewelry Shop is the Item Shop. Saving Naru’s mom let you shop at the store, but of course it didn’t give you any discount. “Hi, Naru! Today I’d like to sell this pile of MithrilEdges and Black Hats we ‘found’, and then we’ll take 50 Potions and 2 Ethers!”
> 
> We bought all new armor and weapons when the new shops opened, after Nephrite’s appearance, but of course no one notices or cares that Rei is walking around in a KarateGi and Speed Boots, Usagi in a Blue Dress with Ribbon Hat, and Ami in Gold Mail and RainbowHlm. But I can’t afford the new Book for Ami yet, but it’s not like I ever use her for melee anyway. And I’m not selling the Katana I found for Rei until I get the S. Naginata.
> 
> Because there’s nothing that says “Sailor Moon” so much as grinding mobs.
> 
> “Right, how many is that, Ami? Ami?”
> 
> “…What? Sorry, I fell asleep.”
> 
> “You can cast Bubble Spray in your sleep?”
> 
> (yawns) “Apparently. Where’s Rei?”
> 
> “Walking in circles and casting Fire Soul on automatic.”
> 
> “Wake me when we reach level 40.”


	16. EPISODE #15: Usagi is Frantic! Rei's First Date!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rei stalks Mamoru.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally Uploaded 7 SEP 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10879692>.
> 
> The shadow work in the opening animation suddenly makes me think of Bruce Timm’s _Batman: The Animated Series_. Now there’s a brain-busting thought. (Ba-da-da-DA-dum…)

### RECAP

“Hey, you say ‘Mizuno Ami-san’, and ‘Rei-chan.’ Does that mean you’re being respectful to me and not to her, or friendly with her and not with me?”

“I… don’t… know? We only just got this recap, why are you overthinking this?”

“It’s what I do.”

### NICE WATERCOLOR PARK

Miss Clavel leads twelve little schoolgirls through the park and out the other side. Apparently this is Paris this week.

Usagi: “I didn’t know you knew any places other than schools!”

Ami: “Oh, I come here to read all the time.”

Rei: “¡Looks like a perfect place for a date!”

Ami: “Oh, there’s my friend the gardener, Mister–”

Ami bends over to greet him, and I kind of lose track of the scene for a moment. See, she’s wearing this blue summer dress, and, ahem, well, anyway, apparently, the park’s been sold and is gonna be paved over, which means the gardener’s out of a job and Paris gets to exchange an ecologically-valuable greenspace for another parking lot.

Rei swears a Solemn Oath: “¡By Noshabkeming the Radiant, I SHALL bring a boyfriend here before the park is gone!”

### LE BOUTIQUE DE JEUX VIDEÓ

Luna doesn’t look both ways, and is nearly splattered by a Renault truck. But at the last moment–

Mamoru /DASHING LAST MINUTE SAVE!!!

Mamoru: “Are you all right?”

Luna: “Er… meow? Meow!”

Mamoru: “I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’”

Usagi, Rei, and Ami show up.

Usagi: “What the hell are you doing to my cat?!”

Rei /eyes Mamoru speculatively.

Mamoru: “Saving her life. You should be, uh–”

Rei /now has predatory look in her eyes.

Mamoru /edges away.

Rei /advances a step, lips parted.

Luna /shoots Usagi a look that says, “He’s telling the truth, so get him to put me down before something uncomfortable happens, damn it! And why are you late, anyway?”

Usagi: “That’s a very verbose look.”

Motoki: “Oh, hey, Chiba!”

Mamoru: “Hey, man. 'Sup?”

Mamoru /hands Luna over to Usagi, and nonchalantly hides behind Motoki.

Rei /is willing to bide her time.

Usagi: “YOU KNOW EACH OTHER?!” /gestures dramatically.

Luna /is still in Usagi’s hands. Flail flail waaaaa-hey.

Motoki: “Sure, we’re in some of the same classes at the University.”

Usagi: “HE’S A UNIVERSITY STUDENT?!” /gestures dramatically.

Luna /is still in Usagi’s hands. Flail flail waaaaa-hey I feel sick.

Motoki: “Well, yeah. You sound surprised.”

Usagi: “Given how often he trips over me, I can only assume he’s not on a sports scholarship.”

Mamoru: “I don’t have to stand here and take this. I’m going to go over to campus and be insulted by college girls.”

### NEPHRITE'S HAUNTED MANSION

Wheel of Fate, turn turn turn, tell us the victim that he shall burn: And today’s victim is: **Mister Gardener.**

### INSIDE THE VIDEO ARCADE

Usagi is playing _Captain Commando_ and getting schooled, Ami is backseat driving…

Ami: “Want to play _Street Fighter II_ for a bit?”

Usagi: “I swear this will be the last quarter I drop on this machine.”

…and Rei is grilling Motoki about Mamoru.

Motoki: “…and he lives by himself in a fancy loft apartment because he’s the only son of a rich family. Can I get up now?”

Rei /stands on a chair. “By Crom, I vow that I, Rei, WILL take this– ¿what’s his name?”

Motoki: “Mamoru Chiba.”

Rei: “¡–Mamoru Chiba on a date! And oh _such_ a date it will be. A date to grind all other dates into the _dust._ Why, I myself **marvel** at the _sheer **perfectitude**_ of th–”

Rei /discovers that the chair had a loose leg.

Ami: “What was that crash?”

Usagi: “Me dying. Okay, last one, I swear.”

Rei: “¡My _spine_!”

### THE NEXT DAY: At Jardin Gentil d'Aquarelle.

Nephrite: “YOU!”

Gardener: “Me?”

Nephrite: “You shall defend the park against all who would destroy its beauty!”

Gardener: “What? How?”

Nephrite /very seriously. “I shall summon a demon to possess your hat!”

Nephrite does so, striking a striking pose. Weird colors, everything goes momentarily black and white, etc.

Mister Gardener summons butterflies! Screaming hordes of vicious butterflies! The servants of Itzpapalotl attack the construction workers, sunder their machines, nibble their International Orange PPE into biodegradeable dust, and hound the terrified workers from the park.

Nephrite /permits himself a small evil laugh.

### MEANWHILE: Rei is stalking Mamoru

Rei /trips over Mamoru, who blushes, and invites her to tea by way of apology, and one thing leads to another.

{Godmoding is not permitted.}

Rei /trips over Mamoru, blushes, and invites _him_ to tea by way of apology, in the hopes that one thing may lead to another.

Mamoru: “…There are two of them now. Why do they come to me? Where do they come from?”

Mamoru /walks on.

Rei /won’t let go of his arm.

Mamoru: “Okay, look, I’ll take tea with you if you can explain in six words or less _what_ you’re apologizing for.”

Rei: “For making you trip over me.”

Mamoru: “…”

Mamoru: “What the hell. Let’s go.”

### AND SO: A little farther down the street.

Usagi: “I have the sudden feeling that I’m missing an important appointment with someone.”

Luna: “I don’t recall anything that you’re _supposed_ to be doing.”

Rei and Mamoru walk by, arm in arm.

Usagi: 😱

Usagi: “That’s robbing the cradle! That’s impure fraternization! That’s consorting with the enemy!”

Luna: “That’s jealousy?”

Usagi: “THIS MUST BE STOPPED.”

### THE TEA SHOPPE

Now that she’s actually on a date, for real, Rei hasn’t a clue what she’s supposed to be doing. Mamoru is concentrating on the scones. And Usagi is spying from outside.

Usagi: “Damn it, I’m broke, so I can’t go in there. But I can just use the disguise pen–”

Luna /grabs pen away and swats Usagi’s hand. “FOR GREAT JUSTICE ONLY.”

Usagi: “Frell.”

Umino /just showing up. “Why are you spying on the Tea Shoppe, Usagi?”

Usagi /uses her feminine wiles on Umino.

Rei: “…I know a nice place. ¿You wanna go there with me?”

Mamoru: “…”

Usagi /overhears.

### OUTSIDE:

Luna goes to find Ami.

Luna /purr rub purr.

Ami: “Usagi or Rei?”

Luna: “Both. Actually, you look like you could use cheering up more than me.”

Ami: “My friend Mister Gardener told me never to come to the park again or the squirrels would get me – no, seriously! – because ‘humans are not worthy of the boons that nature provides.’ I’m a little… disturbed.”

Luna: “I like squirrels. I’d like to see this park.”

### CUT TO: Jardin Gentil d'Aquarelle.

Corporate Flack: “And so, Mister Gardener, as it appears that we will not be proceeding with our project to pave over the park at this time, we will be keeping you on for a few more weeks, at least.”

Gardener /Gendo Pose. “Mm.”

Corporate Flack: “And see if you can do something about those carnivorous butterflies. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to throw this cigarette butt on the grass.”

Squirrels: /kill the Corporate Flack.

Ami and Luna: 😱 “JESUS CHRIST!”

Ami: “He wasn’t kidding!”

Luna: “I sense Evil!”

### NEARBY: Rei and Mamoru on a boat

Mamoru: “Do you think death could possibly be a boat?”

Rei: “No, no, no… Death is… not. Death isn’t. You take my meaning. Death is the ultimate negative. Not-being. You can’t not-be on a boat.”

Mamoru: “I’ve frequently not been on boats.”

Rei: “No, no, no – what you’ve been is not on boats.”

Mamoru: “Anyway, why this park?”

Rei /explains about the park being paved.

Mamoru /dramatic wind ruffles his hair. “So sad, to destroy trees for the sake of a parking lot. People should be more aware of the gentle world around them.”

Rei /whoa.

### AND SINCE THIS SEEMS AN OPPORTUNE TIME TO CHANGE SCENES:

Usagi is spying on Rei and Mamoru.

Umino finally works up his courage to make a move on Usagi.

Usagi has already stalked off on her mission.

Umino is somewhat disappointed.

### LUNA IS PISSED OFF!

Luna: “USAGI! BAD GUYS!”

Usagi /jumps. “Wait, really?”

Ami: “Yes! It’s the gardener!”

Gardener: “MY HAT FOR POEPLE KNOW NO LIMIT!!!”

FUCKING SCARY TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER: **2**

### THE DEMON APPEARS! Mister Gardener collapses.

Ami /gets mad.

Ami: “No one possesses my friends.”

Usagi /peers at the demon. “Just what are you supposed to be? Some sort of purple, elf, mossy, dryad… thing?”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: **15**

Usagi into Disguise Form: 5

Ami into Sailor Mercury: **5**

Rei into Sailor Mars: 3

###  CUT BACK TO: The boat.

{Mamoru’s Tuxedo Sense is tingling.}

Rei: “¡Hey! ¿Why are you doubled over in pain and why is lightning arcing from your brow?”

Mamoru: “A spell. I sometimes get them, and people think they see lightning arcing from my brow or elbow. Don’t worry about it. It’s not contagious.”

Rei: “Crap. You’re lying to me.”

Mamoru: “I know. But please forget the whole thing.”

Rei: “¿Why should I?”

Mamoru: “Because you–”

{Rei’s Evil Sense is tingling.}

Rei: “¡I SENSE EVIL!”

SUDDENLY, BIRDS! The boat is upset.

Rei manages to get Mamoru to shore and out of the water.

Rei: “¿Are you alive? Okay, don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

### THE BATTLE!

Butterflies assail the Sailors!

Squirrels rip Luna’s flesh!

` **AMI : TECH > BUBBLE1 : ALL FOES** `

`Butterflies are slain! `

`Squirrels are slain! `

Ami /advances.

Usagi /holds her back. “Uh, Mercury? You don’t have any direct attack sp–”

Ami: “Then I’ll _beat it to death_ with my goddamn princess wand! Let go of me!”

`Gardener’s Hat casts Hand Flower!`

`Usagi is hogtied!`

Ami: “Thank you!”

` Gardener’s Hat casts Petasos Rope.`

` Ami is bound! `

Ami: “Damn it!”

Ami /strains mightily to burst her bonds.

But she’s not that strong.

Enter Rei!

` **REI : TECH > FIRE1 : ALL FRIENDS** `

` Petasos Rope is destroyed! Ami is freed!`

` Ami is immune to fire.`

`Hand Flower is destroyed! Usagi is freed!`

`Usagi is now on fire.`

Usagi /stop, drop, and roll. “Dammit, Mars!”

Ami: “I am the invasive plant species that chokes the garden of Crime!”

Rei: “¡I am the drought season that leaves Injustice’s lawn dry and hardpacked!”

Ami and Rei: “WE ARE THE SAILOR SENSHI.”

Usagi: “Poachers! I do the intros in this outfit!”

`Gardener’s Hat assumes Second Stage Form!`

`Gardener’s Hat is charging up!`

Enter Tuxedo Mask, dripping, armed with +3 blessed throwing roses.

`Gardener’s Hat loses charge!`

Tuxedo Mask: “Hey, Mars, Mercury, I’m a decoy!”

Ami and Rei /look. “What?”

Usagi: “He does like me best!”

` **USAGI : TECH > MOONTIARA : GARDENER’S HAT** `

`Gardener’s Hat is slain!`

`Usagi has levelled up!`

`Ami has levelled up!`

Rei: “¡Kill stealer!”

Usagi: “Hey, Mars, Mercury, _I’m_ a decoy!”

Ami and Rei /look. “ _What?_ ”

Tuxedo Mask /slips away while they aren’t looking.

Usagi /giggles.

### DENOUEMENT

Gardener: “Wha' happen–?”

Ami: “You had a bad trip. Mushrooms.”

Gardener: “I do remember weird colors…”

Rei: “You know, I’m beginning to think Mamoru really _is_ Tuxedo Mask.”

Mamoru /wanders up, picking his nose. “Huh?”

Rei: “I mean, you never see them in the same place, ¿right?”

Usagi: “By that logic, Umino could be Tuxedo Mask.”

Umino /materializes. “You want me to wear a tuxedo and a mask on our next date?”

Mamoru and Rei /highly amused. “ _Next_ date?”

Usagi: “Oh, _pus._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _[Rehostening note: “MY HAT FOR [foo] KNOW NO LIMIT!” was an in-joke on the original forums, inspired by an irate drive-by typo._
> 
> _After this episode, “I’ll beat it to death with my goddamn princess wand!” became a local in-joke, too. I am honored.]_


	17. EPISODE #16: Dream of a White Dress! Usagi Becomes a Bride.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rei meets Usagi's parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally Uploaded 8 SEP 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10885309>.

### RECAP

“Ba-da-da-DA-dum… da-da-da-da-da-dunnnnnnnnn… **KABOOM!** Duddadun, duddan! Bumbumbadabadabumbada-da-da-da-DA-DA-DUN. Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee. Dadada-dadadaDA-dun-dun-dun. Badumbadadum, badadadum, doodlydoodlydoodly-doodoodooDOOdoodoo-doo. DA! Dadadadadum. Duuuuuh… dadadaDAdun! Duh-duh-duh-DUH-duh…”

“I think you missed a few notes.”

“Think you can do better?”

“¡You’re on!”

### SCHOOL:

The most boring class ever.

Ms. Akiyama: “…caused an explosion that melted the Antarctic ice cap and caused a shift of Earth’s axis; climate changes and gigantic floods followed. Two billion people in the southern hemisphere were directly killed by the ensuing tsunamis. As a result of the subsequent chaos, wars broke out due to…”

Naru: “Has anyone noticed that she’s been repeating the same history lesson over and over?”

Usagi: “Zzzzz… another chocolate parfait, please… zzzzzz…”

Naru: “And she’s usually _good_ at teaching the sewing stuff, at least. Why are you talking to yourself, Naru? I don’t know, Naru, ask Naru.”

Ms. Akiyama /blushes, sighs, and stares out the window.

### LUNCHTIME:

Naru: “Has anyone noticed that she’s been repeating the same history lesson over and over?”

Usagi: “Yeah, and what does that have to do with Home Ec?”

Umino /materializes from beneath the table. “I suspect that–”

Naru /leaps up and over her chair. “JEE-ZUS!”

Usagi /kicks over the table in surprise. “STOP DOING THAT!”

Umino /doesn’t skip a beat. “–it has something to do with her engagement.”

Naru and Usagi: “Engaged?!”

Umino /has pictures. “Yes, she’s engaged to be married to a short ugly guy, and seems ecstatically happy about it, the lesson of which should be clear!” /hint hint.

Usagi: “Yes, that one should aggressively pursue any _attractive_ man in sight, or risk getting caught out!”

Naru: “Are you keeping notes on the activity of _every woman in school_? With _photos_? Let me see that notebook.”

### DOWN ON THE CORNER, OUT IN THE STREET:

Ms. Akiyama, who by the way has naturally blue hair (worn in the librarian bun) and glasses, is window shopping for fabric.

Random Woman #1: “Hello Higure, dear! Shopping for fabric for your wedding dress that you said you were going to make by hand as it has always been your dream to have a big wedding with a dress made by yourself? I see you haven’t found a cloth you like yet! Well, keep trying, kid, because I’m counting on meeting my future husband at your wedding reception!”

Ms. Akiyama: “Er… yes?”

Nephrite /just happened to overhear. “Hmmmm.”

### NEPHRITE'S HAUNTED MANSION:

Wheel of Fate, turn turn turn, tell us the mortal that he will burn! And the victim of today’s story is: **Seamstress Higure Akiyama.**

But note that this week, Nephrite is improvising.

### ACME WEDDING CHAPEL: 

Usagi was just walking by when:

Usagi /sees a wedding in progress. “SO ROMANTIC.”

Dudes /set up a big sign.

Big Sign sez: Handmade Wedding Contest, Grand Prize: A Free Wedding Reception!

Usagi has a transport of delight in which she imagines marrying Motoki and Tuxedo Mask at the same time.

Usagi: “Mmmmm… threesome…” *drool*

Usagi: “Wait, but I suck at sewing.”

Rei: “Hey, mister, what if, er, well, ¿is there is a time limit on claiming the prize?”

Mister Acme: “There is no time limit. No matter how many years it takes for you to get hitched, Acme Wedding Chapel will sponsor it!”

AND THE CROWD CHEERS!

Rei: “¡GREAT! I’ll just win this, and then all I have to do is find someone who’s really into me–”

Usagi: “Hello, Sailor.”

Rei /trips over Usagi.

Usagi /stands up. “It’s okay, I’m getting used to that. Hey, I walk this way all the time, but why were you—?”

Rei /eyes Usagi.

Usagi /takes a step back.

Rei: “Let’s go to your place.”

### REI MEETS THE PARENTS:

Mom approves.

Luna: (sotto voce) _“What is she up to?”_

Usagi: “She just followed me home! Not that I really mind, but–”

Mom /gives Rei the Last Piece of Cake.

Usagi: “HEY! I had dibs!”

Mom: “Guests come first, dear. Especially pretty, well-mannered guests of good family.”

Rei: “And such a delicious cake it is, too, ma’am! You bake marvellously.”

Usagi: “Stop buttering her up, it’s obviously store-b—”

Mom /silences Usagi with a baking pan. “Yes, dear? Go on.”

Rei: “So, Ms. Tsukino, it’s long been my dream to be a lovely housewife such as yourself–”

Mom /thinks: “But Usagi’s still so _young_!”

Rei: “–and I was wondering, could you teach me how to sew?”

Pause.

Usagi /from the floor. “Rei, I sew _exactly_ as well as Mom does.”

Rei /takes a moment to work that out in her head.

Mom /slips out the back while Rei is distracted.

Rei: “¡¿Well, damn it, why didn’t you tell me?!”

Usagi: “Because you didn’t ask!”

Rei: “¡Well 😛 to you, too!”

Luna /hits Rei between the eyes with the Sacred Mission speech.

{Usagi has left the scene.}

Luna /also hits Usagi wi– damn it.

### MIZUNO RESIDENCE:

Ami is studying.

Usagi: “I feel so used!”

Ami: “Mm-hmm.”

Usagi: “And I’m no closer to getting a dress made for that contest!”

Ami: “Mm-hmm.”

Usagi: “And the voices keep telling me to kill!”

Ami: “I could look up some medications for that.”

Usagi: “So you _were_ listening. Come on, sympathize!”

Ami: “Well, _I_ have no plans to get married any time soon, and, think honestly for a moment, do you re–”

Usagi: “Ami, I’m trying to get you to teach me how to sew.”

Ami: “…Heh. 🙂 You really want me to?”

Usagi: “Really and truly.”

Ami /drops a stack of sewing books in front of Usagi. “There’s your homework, Ms. Tsukino. Get through that, and then we’ll start the practice drills.”

Usagi: “…You really are something else, ‘Ms. Mizuno.’ Arrrrrrgh.”

### THE FABRIC STORE:

It’s worse than Black Friday. The one police officer who showed up decided to have a smoke around the back, rather than face a mob of bargain-hunting women single-handedly.

Bargain-Hunter #1: “Bitch!”

Bargain-Hunter #2: “Slut!”

Ms. Haruna: “It’s mine, you understand? Mine! All mine! Get back in there! Down, down, down! Go, go, go! Mine, mine, mine! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!”

Ms. Akiyama /daunted. “…Maybe I should mail order.”

Nephrite: “YOU.”

Ms. Akiyama /blush. “Me?”

Nephrite /very seriously. “THIS FABRIC. It’s you. It’s totally you. Observe the drape. Observe the weave. Imagine yourself, in a dress made from this, running along the beach on a starlit night with the man you love. Take it. It’s yours. Don’t mind the glowing demonic sigil, it’s a maker’s mark and will wash out. Handwash only.”

Nephrite: “And I wish you happiness.”

### ANOTHER DAY:

Usagi /fills in Naru on the situation.

Naru: “So _that’s_ why you suddenly wanted to visit Ms. Akiyama…” /noogies.

Usagi: “Ow! Hey. Come on, was I that obvious?”

Naru: “You haven’t a _chance_ , girl. Making a dress in… what, three days? With no skill?”

Usagi: “‘A woman’s conviction can crack solid stone!’”

Naru /?

Usagi: “Did I say that wrong?”

### SUDDENLY! Across the street.

Naru: “Who is that short, fat, balding loser bringing flowers to Ms. Akiyama’s door?”

What’s-his-name /knocks.

What’s-his-name /calls. “Honey? You haven’t been answering the phone. Are you okay? Honey?”

Usagi: “No way. That must be the fiancé!”

The door slams open.

Naru: “Who is that angry-looking, chain-smoking woman in cut-offs and whorish make-up in Ms. Akiyama’s apartment?”

What’s-her-name: “DON’T EVER COME HERE until the dress contest is over, or I’ll break off the engagement and cut your–”

Usagi: “No way. That must be Ms. Akiyama!”

Naru: “She really lets herself go at home…”

Evil Akiyama: “MUST FINISH MY DRESS.” *twitch twitch*

Luna: “I have a bad feeling about this.”

### INSIDE:

Evil Akiyama is totally in the fiber-arts ZONE. Her Singer is running on overdrive, scraps and spent rolls clutter the room, and the cat is locked in the bathroom because THIS dress is NOT going to be pre-aged and it’s NOT going to become a UFO it will be PERFECT and she will SHOW THEM ALL.

### THE TEMPLE:

Luna /explains her suspicions to Ami.

Ami: “The teacher _has_ been missing from school lately…”

Suddenly! Enter Rei, something tucked under her arm, pursued by her Grandpa. Grandpa displays a remarkable aptitude for catching teenage girls.

Grandpa /takes back their only rental wedding kimono. “AHEM!”

Rei /stands and dusts herself off. “I was just… borrowing it.”

Grandpa: “You’re not entering that shameless contest at the competition’s _secular_ wedding chapel, are you?”

Rei: “…No, no, of course not.”

Grandpa: “You’re not _eloping_?! With this girl?!”

Rei: “¿What? No. Hell, no.”

Grandpa: “Well, good.” /changes gears. “Then she might be available…?” ;)

Ami: “…”

Rei /smites Grandpa.

### TSUKINO RESIDENCE:

Usagi Hood /sneaks into Mom’s bedroom to steal her favorite curtains for material.

Sheriff Mom /is waiting behind the curtains.

Usagi Hood /!

Sheriff Mom: “AHEM!”

Usagi Hood /pleads for mercy from the Governor.

Sheriff Mom: “If you really want material, we can _dock your allowance for three months…”_

Usagi Hood: 😱

Sheriff Mom: “…but do you really think you can make a dress in two days?”

### CUT TO: Akiyama.

Evil Akiyama: “AT LAST—MY MASTER WORK IS COMPLETE! ALL SHALL MARVEL AND DESPAIR! BWAHAHAHAHA–” /passes out.

She never noticed that What’s-his-name left his flowers behind for her. 😢

### ACME WEDDING HALL: The day of the contest.

Mister Acme is cackling at the thought of how much publicity this is worth.

Ami: “Couldn’t get anywhere, huh?”

Usagi /has needle wounds.

Rei /needles Usagi.

Luna: “Come on, people, we’ve got business to attend to. Usagi! Use the disguise pen and sneak in there.”

Usagi: “…I totally forgot I had it.”

Rei: “Oh for the lack of a roll-eyes smiley.”

Ami: “Come on, it’s part of her zany charm.”

Luna: “And, no, you can’t use it to win the contest.”

Usagi: “Sigh. Fair enough.”

Usagi /disguise pen. “MAKE ME A BEAUTIFUL BRIDE!”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 15

Usagi into Disguise Form: **6**

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 5

Rei into Sailor Mars: 3

### THE CONTEST BEGINS: A hundred women in bridal dresses, and a television crew.

Usagi’s dress ain’t bad, but she’s got serious competition.

Suddenly! Evil Akiyama, in an evil queen dress, enters dramatically: “BEHOLD!”

Mister Acme: “Who is that crazy woman? Look, ma’am, you have to wait–”

Evil Akiyama: “ _Kneel_ before me you SLAVE!”

Mister Acme /smitten. “ _Yes_ , Mistress!”

Evil Akiyama: “ALL OF YOU, KNEEL BEFORE BRIDE-ZILLA! BWAHAHAHAHA!”

Everyone in the room collapses.

Luna /CAT BITE. “Don’t look in her eyes!”

Usagi: “Where were YOU hiding?!”

ZAP! FLASH!

`<< Demon Spider is summoned!>>`

Girlspider: “ ** _KYA!_** ”

Usagi /shudders. “Spiders. Why did it have to be spiders?”

Rei and Ami steal the Miss America float and make a dramatic entrance.

Rei: “¡We are the boorish guests at Crime’s wedding reception!”

Ami: “We are the sunburn that ruins Injustice’s honeymoon!”

Usagi: “(Line thieves!) WE ARE THE SAILOR SENSHI.”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Dramatically intercut!

Usagi into Sailor Moon: **16**

Usagi into Disguise Form: 6

Ami into Sailor Mercury: **6**

Rei into Sailor Mars: **4**

### FIGHT!

Usagi: “Doh…”

Rei: “Ray…”

Ami: “Ami!”

Usagi /raises eyebrow.

Ami: 🙂

` **Girlspider casts Icky Webs!** `

` Usagi is webbed! `

Usagi: “WHY ME? Why is it always me?”

Rei and Ami /!

_(I love split-screen reaction shots!)_

` **AMI : TECH > BUBBLE1 : ALL ** `

` Girlspider is confused! `

` **REI : TECH > FIRE : ALL ** `

` Usagi is freed! `

`Bubble Spray extinguishes the fire.`

` **USAGI : TECH > MOONTIARA : GIRLSPIDER ** `

`Girlspider is slain! `

Ms. Akiyama /waking up: “Wha' happen–?”

### DENOUEMENT:

Usagi, Rei, and Ami invited themselves to Ms. Akiyama’s wedding. The new Ms. What’s-his-name is wearing a pretty but normal wedding dress, and both she and Mr. What’s-his-name look deliriously happy.

Rei: “¡Bravo!”

Luna: “Proof you can’t judge a person on their looks.”

Usagi: “I still prefer good-looking men.”

Ami: “You do know about the bouquet catching tradition, right?”

Ms. Haruna: “DIBS!”

Usagi, Rei, and Ms. Haruna /slap fight over the bouquet.

Ami /catches bouquet.

Ami /?

Luna: “This seemed a lot like a Jadeite fight, to me. Do you think he’s come back?”


	18. EPISODE #17: Is Usagi a Model? The Focus of the Monster Camera.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The swimsuit episode. In which the Sailors receive their first cell phones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally Uploaded 9 SEP 2009 <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10885309>

### RECAP:

“One thousand years ago, superstition and the sword ruled. It was a time of darkness, it was a world of fear, it was the age of Senshi. Girls by day, warriors by night, we were betrayed by the humans we had sworn to protect, frozen in stone by a magic spell for a thousand years. Now, here in– uh–”

“Tokyo.”

“–Tokyo, ¡the spell is broken and we live again! ¡We are defenders of the night, we are SAILOR SENSHI!”

### LUNCH TIME!

Naru: “Observe these award-winning photographs, taken by one Kijin Shinokawa, a mere junior high student with raccoon-striped hair.”

Usagi: “ZOMG Ami he goes to a school that’s near to Rei’s school!”

Ami: “…So?”

Usagi: “So let’s go get his autograph!”

Ami: “I have cram school.”

Usagi: “I bet you’re just using that as an excuse.”

Ami /pats Usagi on the arm. “Don’t mind me, hon. Go run off and get the signature of a guy you never heard of until five minutes ago, and I’ll settle for improving my mind.”

Usagi: “I should never have taught you how to use sarcasm.”

Ami: “Luna helped, too.”

### CUT TO: A school that’s near to Rei’s school!

Reporter #1: “Raccoon Boy! Are these pictures merely awesome, or so awesome?”

Raccoon Boy: “Uh… I guess just merely awesome, because I’m bashful.”

Usagi: “ZOMG it’s– Rei?”

Rei: “Okay, seriously, since when were you an art photography groupie?”

Usagi: “Since about an hour ag– NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!”

Raccoon Boy: “Golly, please don’t fight.”

### THAT EVENING: Beautiful Sunset Cliff

Raccoon Boy is beyond the safety rail, looking for that perfect shot. When suddenly! The cliff gives way, and he falls–

Nephrite /DARING LAST-MINUTE SAVE! Seriously, he should be an action hero or a danger agent or something. The pay has to be better.

Raccoon Boy: “Gosh, thanks!”

Nephrite /summons a demon to possess the camera, and hands it back to Raccoon Boy.

Nephrite /very serious. “It’d be a shame for such a promising photographer to fall to his death. I’m a big fan of yours. Keep up the good work.”

Raccoon Boy /is strangely stirred.

Nephrite /thinks: “What does it say about me that I destroy or pervert the few things on this ‘Earth’ that I respect?”

### NEPHRITE'S EVIL MANSION

Wheel of Fate, turn, turn, turn, tell us the mortal that he will burn! And the victim of today’s story is: **Kijin Shinokawa, Tanuki Photographer!**

Nephrite sez: “By photographing numerous young women, his energy level will increase!”

And how _you_ doin'? 😉

### THAT NIGHT: Raccoon Boy polishes his lens.

Raccoon Boy: “I just want to take exploita– I mean, _explosive_ pictures of young girls! MUAHAHAHA!”

He’s getting bags under his eyes, he must be forgetting his energy drinks. And if you caught that reference, children, I applaud you.

### AND SO: Tsukino Residence.

Usagi: “Observe this advertisement for Raccoon Boy’s latest photographic project: he needs amateur female models, as many as possible, and it’s free! I MUST PARTICIPATE!”

Luna: “Yes, yes, and it’s held at Ackbar’s Perfectly Safe Hotel–”

Usagi: “WRONG! It’s held at Jeff’s Low Expectations Convention Center! So there!”

Luna: “Anyway. My mysterious backers have provided us with an equipment upgrade.”

Usagi: “Why, it’s a pocket-sized communications device with camera and text input functions, far in advance of Earthly technology! I never imagi— Okay, seriously, is this show that old? I mean, cameras, sure, but they had cell phones in '92, didn’t they?”

Luna: “Not as we know them, no. Big bulky clumsy fuckers, and texting networks were only just beginning to be tested in Finland.”

Usagi: “Finland? Well, we seem to be in Japan again this week, so I guess this _is_ super-technology. For which the best _possible_ use is to gossip with Ami!”

Luna: “Stop wasting our precious Lunar bandwidth!”

Usagi /dials. “Hey, Ami, watcha doin'?”

Ami /picks up. “Studying.”

Usagi: “…”

Usagi /hangs up.

Luna: “Now call up Rei. I want to hear her heckle you.”

Usagi: “What was Alexander Graham Bell _thinking?_ ”

### LATER THAT NIGHT:

Another cycle of _hideous domestic abuse_ while Mom makes dinner.

Shingo: “My dearest sister, this advertisement clearly requests _ladies_ of good manner and bearing, therefore the reasons why you would not qualify should surely be self-evident.”

Usagi: “Mother! I request your mediation in this disagreement.”

Shingo: “I am afraid, my lovely daughter, that your brother’s objections are entirely merited.”

Usagi: “My finer qualities are terribly underappreciated in this household, and I shall now retreat to commiserate with a person who understands me like no one else!”

### SUBSEQUENTLY: The Video Arcade.

Motoki: “Don’t give up before you start! The most important thing is to challenge yourself.”

Usagi /purrs. “You’re the _only_ one who supports me, Motoki.”

Mister Mysterious Dark Glasses: “I think he’s right.”

Usagi: “You’re the only two who support me, Motoki and, er, what’s-your-name?”

Mamoru /removes his dark glasses and waves! “You’ll fail anyway, kid, but still, the important thing is to try.”

Usagi: “GAH!”

Mamoru: “Besides, don’t feel bad when he kicks you out. True beauty doesn’t come from looks, it’s what inside that counts! Heart and guts! A girl’s gotta have guts! Huge guts!”

Usagi: “…Hey, really?”

Mamoru: “Sure. Of course, you don’t have either, but…”

Usagi: “GAH! He _tasks_ me! Why, oh, gods, why?”

Mamoru: “This photographer’s probably a perv, anyway.”

Usagi /exits in a huff.

Motoki: “The way you two fight, you’d think you were in love or something.”

Mamoru: “Heh. Now that you say it, it sure sounds like it, doesn’t it? Nonsense, of course.”

### ANOTHER DAY:

Usagi is standing by the gate.

Lump lump lump lump.

Shingo /?

Lump lump lump lump.

Shingo /leans close.

Usagi: “…”

Lump lump lump lump.

Shingo: “Your motor’s running.”

Usagi /bestills her beating heart. “I’m just… hopeful, okay?”

Shingo: “Doom. Doom. Doom. Doom.”

Usagi: “I am killing you with my _mind_.”

Mailman: “Usagi Tsukino! Letter for Usagi Tsukino! Are you Usagi Tsukino? Letter for you!”

Usagi /reads.

Shingo: “…”

Usagi: “WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS! WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS! NO TIME FOR LOSERS!”

### THEREFORE: Usagi practices her posture and diction.

Usagi: “The rain in Spain stays mainly–”

Luna: “Please don’t mention _planes_. Please.”

Usagi: “DON’T SCREW ME UP! And don’t forget, I have to practice singing, too!”

Luna: “I can think of three songs with appropriate titles, but which is funnier, the Cure, the Vapors, or Oingo Boingo?”

Usagi /ignoring her. “This dress is good, but I need a swimsuit, too… CRAP! My suit is all moth-eaten!”

Luna: “Yes. Obviously moths, it surely couldn’t have been anything else that occasionally chews or even claws on things. Ahem.”

### LATER THAT DAY: Jeff's Low Expectations Convention Center, with Cable and Pool.

Raccoon Boy /Spark Rant. “ _My **genius** must not be interrupted! You shall all obey by coming in specific order when called **and at no other time!**_ ”

Luna: “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

Usagi: “Artists tend to be a bit weird. Why, I heard of this cartoonist who–”

Luna: “Hello, ladies!”

Naru and Ms. Haruna: “What a coincidence seeing you here!”

### THE DRESSING ROOM:

Usagi practices her smile: 🙂 😀 😉 😎 😛 🙃

Ms. Haruna and Naru keep nervously gauging their appearance against the other, which isn’t wise of either of them given the difference in age. (Ms. Haruna looks pretty damn good, and Naru looks fourteen.)

Naru: “You _did_ bring a swimsuit, right?”

Usagi: “Er, yeah… uh…”

Naru: “We’re all girls here.”

Usagi: “I’m nervous about the _suit_.” /reveals.

Naru: “OMG the cutest ribbons SQUEE!”

Usagi /phew! “Ribbons. Fashion’s universal accent and patch-job.”

Naru and Ms. Haruna: “Okay! Let’s go!” /dash out.

Luna /dash in. “Usagi! Bad guys!”

Usagi: “I roll to disbelieve.”

Luna /cat nose bump, cat rub, cat paw. “The camera steals souls! Quick, call in the cavalry on your gizmophone. I lack opposable thumbs!”

Usagi /takes out the phone, then hesitates. “Since _when?_ ”

Luna /leaps up and hits the panic button, then steals part of Usagi’s swimsuit and flees.

Usagi: “DIEEEEEEE!”

### AND THE CHASE LEADS TO: The Photo Shoot.

Raccoon Boy: “SMILE! I command you!”

FLASH!

_Naru, Ms. Haruna, and Amateur Photo Model #1 and #2 VANISH!_

Luna /hands Usagi back her missing piece. “Told you so!”

Usagi: “Wait, wait, wait, that was the special effect for Gyro Gearloose’s Spring Cleaning Spray. They’re really all safe somewhere else, right? Right?”

Luna: “No, their _souls_ are **suffering** in **_HELL_**.”

Usagi: “You’re going _down_ , you demon in Raccoon Boy’s hair!”

Raccoon Boy: “Stealing souls is a legitimate form of self expression!”

Usagi: “No it isn’t!”

Raccoon Boy /hits Usagi!

Usagi /!

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: **17**

Usagi into Disguise Form: 6

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 6

Rei into Sailor Mars: 4

### FIGHT!

Usagi: “Wait, where was I hiding the brooch in this swimsuit?”

Raccoon Boy: “Wow, you’re hot! Who are you?”

Usagi: “I AM SA– okay, wait, that’s creepy, bud.”

Usagi: “All right, Jezebel, COME OUT! The power of the Moon compels you!”"

` **Raccoon Boy uses Shutter Bug attack!** `

Usagi /dodges, ducks, and weaves. “I’m trying not to hold this against you, but you’re making it very difficult!”

` **USAGI : TECH > S. KICK : TANUKIBOY ** `

Raccoon Boy is disarmed!

The camera falls into the water.

  


AND EXPLODES!

`Demon is summoned! `

Usagi: “Oh, duh, it was the _camera_. With that hair, I just assumed–”

`Demon takes a picture of Raccoon Boy! Raccoon Boy disappears! `

Luna: “Okay, looking at the giant shoulders, and the eyeball hand with extending glowing spines, I gotta say: she looks like an Angel in a swimsuit, and I don’t mean Biblical.”

Usagi: “Let’s switch to _Cowboy Bebop_ references for a while, okay?”

`Demon uses Shutter Bug attack!`

` Usagi dodges! `

Usagi: “You trust your eyes too much – you’re not a chameleon!”

`Demon uses Shutter Swarm attack!`

` Usagi fails to dodge! `

`Luna sacrifices herself! Luna disappears! `

Demon /gives Usagi copies of the pictures.

Usagi /flings them back, weeping. “YOU SUCK!”

` **AMI : TECH > BUBBLE1 : DEMON ** `

` **REI : TECH > POWERSEAL : DEMON ** `

`Demon takes a picture of the prayer strips! Prayer strips disappear! `

`Demon takes a picture of the fog! Fog disappears!`

`Demon takes a picture of Sailors Mars and Mercury! Mars and Mercury disappear!`

Usagi /backs up, waaaaaay up. “So much for the cavalry. Oh Tuxedo Maaaaaaask?”

Demon: “Smile!”

Usagi /realizes she’s standing right in front of a full-length mirror.

` **USAGI : TECH > BLUESTEEL : SELF ** `

`Demon uses Shutter Swarm attack!`

SFX: Steve Austin jump!

`Usagi _dodges light_.`

`Demon takes a picture of itself! Demon can’t disappear! Demon can’t not disappear! Fatal exception!`

` **USAGI : TECH > MOONTIARA : DEMON ** `

`Demon is slain! Slowly, painfully, ON FIRE. `

` Usagi has levelled up! +1 INT gained. `

  


Suddenly! Raccoon Boy, Luna, Sailors Mars and Mercury, Ms. Haruna, Naru, and a hundred other girls in swimsuits rematerialize. All in the same room.

Rei /blinks. “Shortest fight ever! We didn’t even get a chance to leave the door…”

Ami: “Sailor Moon? Are you okay?”

Usagi: “I turned left!”

### NEPHRITE'S HAUNTED MANSION:

Nephrite /raises eyebrow in irritation.

Zoisite /appears via holographic projection. “Awwwwwww. It’d be a shame if Queen Beryl found out about this.”

Nephrite /very serious. “It’d be a shame if Queen Beryl found out someone was stalking a coworker rather than looking for the MacGuffin like he was ordered to.”

Zoisite: “It’d be a shame if– uh… You’re recording this conversation, aren’t you?” /hangs up.

Nephrite: “Besides, this failure means nothing. Countless beings possess energy on this Earth! COUNTLESS!”

### DENOUE–

Nephrite: “COUNTLESS!”

### DENOUEMENT:

Mom: “Oh, there’s a tanuki on the telly!”

Raccoon Boy, on the TV: “I’m taking a sabbatical, because I got taught a valuable life lesson by a wonderful young woman.”

Mom, Dad, Shingo: “I wonder who that could be?”

Upstairs, Usagi is asleep and dreaming of being a pretty princess.


	19. EPISODE #18: Shingo's Innocent Love! A Sorrowful French Doll.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shingo grovels at girls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally uploaded on 11 SEP 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10897942>
> 
> Hey, that brief shot of Queen Beryl’s minions during the OP? I paused it to look, and guess what: they’re all female. Tuxedo Mask is the only male who rates mention in the titles.

### RECAP

“In 1992, a bunch of junior high students were sent to their rooms for a crime they didn’t commit. These young women promptly escaped to the Tokyo underground. Today, still wanted by their parents, they survive as pretty soldiers. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire… the Senshi.”

“Not bad, Ami!”

“¿What’s that from?”

### PLATEAU OF LENG:

Queen Beryl: “Nephrite, your status, please.”

Nephrite /ducks the question. “Your Majesty, you assured me that I would have a free hand.”

Zoisite: “The poor dear’s overworked, Your Terribleness. Field operations go far more smoothly with two at a time…”

Queen Beryl: “Good point. How about we assign you, Zoisite, to–”

Nephrite: “I refuse.”

Queen Beryl: _“I beg your pardon?”_

Nephrite: “I’m not doing this for the Queen, I’m doing this for _me_. Excuse me.”

{Nephrite has left the scene.}

Queen Beryl: “OFF WITH HIS–”

Queen Beryl: “Ahem.”

Queen Beryl: “I didn’t know Nephrite had a death-wish.”

Zoisite: “Just as planned.” /titter.

### TSUKINO RESIDENCE:

Usagi: “BEHOLD! Awake _on time._ ” /bows, waves.

Shingo: “And yet, you will still be late.”

Usagi: “Not a chance.”

### SCHOOL:

Ms. Haruna: “You’re _**LATE!”**_ *whack*

### AFTER SCHOOL:

Naru: “Don’t you ever get tired of being late all the time?”

Usagi: “No, see, I’m perfectly on time, but all the clocks are still running fast after that crazy day a few months ago. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it.”

Elementary School Girl #1: “Oi! Are you that jerk Shingo’s big sister?”

Usagi: “What’d he do this time?”

### RIPPLE-DISSOLVE FLASHBACK: Swashy music.

Shingo’s girlfriend Mika, a relationship we _swear_ existed before this moment, is a talented crafter of porcelein dolls, the really creepy-looking expensive ones. She won a major French award for her latest, and wanted to gift it to Shingo. Naturally, every boy in sight started chanting, “Shingo and Mika, sitting in a tree…”, and, embarassed, Shingo pushed the doll away.

It fell in slow motion. Noooooooooooooooooooo… *crash*

To his credit, he was sorry the moment it started to happen, and would have gnawed off his own arm for the power to catch the doll before it fell. But he still made a little girl cry!

### BACK TO THE ACTION:

Usagi: “RAGE!”

Naru /eggs Usagi on. “Something has to be done!”

Usagi /slams fist into palm. “That’s right!”

Naru /eggs Usagi on some more. “There’s a special layer in Hell reserved for those who make little girls cry!”

Usagi: “Damn straight there is. Don’t worry kids, Sai- I mean, this wise and petty older sister will take care of this!”

Naru /shakes her head and snickers.

### MIKA'S ROOM:

I can’t make fun of this scene, because unlike the flashback, they don’t resort to any soap opera devices. The emotion carries it alone.

Mom comes into the curtain-shrouded bedroom, finding Mika hard at work at another doll. She notices that the doll looks like it’s about to cry, and when she asks to see the award-winning doll, Mika stammers an excuse about “having lent it to someone”… Mom obviously knows something’s up, but decides to back off rather than press for details. Perhaps she should have, perhaps not. Mom leaves Mika, and Mika cries alone in her room, surrounded by her inert collection.

### NEPHRITE'S HAUNTED MANSION:

Wheel of Fate, turn, turn, turn, tell us the mortal that he will burn! And the victim of today’s story is… **Young Doll-Maker Mika.**

### TSUKINO RESIDENCE: Shingo's Room

Shingo is trying to write an apology letter to Mika.

{There is a knock at the door.}

Shingo /hides letter. “Yes?”

Usagi /bursts in and beats the shit out of Shingo.

Shingo /hanging upside-down in Usagi’s arms. “WHY?”

Usagi: “Because it has been a long time, and you might have forgotten.”

Shingo /squirms in her grip.

Usagi: “Shall I escalate to stage 2? Oh, Moooom–”

Shingo: “Stop! Stop! Uncle! Please! Look, if you want me to go apologize to Mika, I’m already trying to figure out how, I feel awful about it.”

Usagi: “SO GO IN PERSON. MARCH!”

### CUT TO: Mika's House.

Shingo: “I guess abject grovelling is the most sincere approach…”

Shingo is nearly run down by a red Ferrari.

Shingo: “ROAD-HOG! KLEPTOMANIAC! OSTROGOTH!”

Nephrite: “…”

Nephrite /steps up to the gate.

Shingo /realizes that a guy who drives a Ferrari probably has a better lawyer than he does. “Maybe I’ll come back later.”

### INSIDE: Nephrite had an appointment.

“Masato Sanjoin” did his homework, and lays on the shop talk with ease.

Mika’s Mom: “You really are an expert collector, Mister Sanjoin!”

Nephrite: “You could say that. I hear your daughter’s quite the prodigy, too. May I see the award-winning doll?”

Mika: “…”

Mika’s Mom /saves! “How about you show him the new one?”

  


Nephrite summons a demon to possess the new one right in front of them. The doll assumes an EVIL TWISTED FACE.

Mika’s Mom: “My, that was an intense stare.”

Nephrite /very serious. “I was concentrating. If you could make me ten of these, Mika, I believe I can guarantee buyers—at an excellent price.”

Mika /hypnotized. “Okay.”

Mika’s Mom: “We’re holding an exhibition this weekend, why don’t you come by?”

### THAT NIGHT:

Mika’s Mom: “…Wow, you’ve got one finished already!”

Mika: “For some strange reason, I suddenly feel really motivated.”

Mika’s Mom: “It’s good work, dear, but you don’t want to overwork yourself, so–”

Mika: “Mm-hmm.”

Mika’s Mom: “Which means it’s time for bed _now_ , young lady, so why don’t you–”

Mika /strong-arms her away. “SILENCE, SUB-CREATURE!”

Mika /throws her out of the room.

Evil Doll: “MUAHAHAHA!”

### THE NEXT DAY: Shingo's come back to apologize.

Mika’s Mom /explains. “I don’t know what happened! It’s like she’s a creature possessed!”

Shingo: “Maybe if I talk to her?” /knock knock. “Mika?”

Mika: “BEGONE!”

Shingo: “…”

### A GREAT OVERHEAD SHOT of Shingo's Room.

Usagi /brought drinks.

Shingo /?

Usagi: “What? I’m not mean all the time, you know. You look awful, what happened?”

Shingo /explains.

Shingo: “Maybe this is somehow my fault…?”

Usagi: “Nonsense! You’re doing your best. These things take time. Try bringing a present next time, girls like presents!”

Shingo: “When did you become an expert in this stuff?”

Usagi: “How could I be anything but an expert in being a girl? Good luck, bro.”

### CUT TO: Usagi's Room.

Usagi: “That Ferrari guy shows up again, the kid starts acting rude and obsessed – I smell a Bad Guy plot.”

Luna: “You’re on the ball today!”

Usagi: “Hey, cursed dolls sound fun and mysteeeeeeerious.” /wiggles fingers.

Luna: 😱 “Spare me the scary stuff!”

### LATER: Shingo is working with Sculpey.

Usagi: “Hey, great pig!”

Shingo: “…It’s _Sailor Moon_.”

Usagi: “You’re putting me on.”

Shingo: “Because Mika and I both like Sailor Moon better than that sell-out Sailor V, so I thought I’d, you know…”

Usagi: “Okay, hand-made gift, good! Relevant to her interests, better! Good taste in superheroes, wonderful! …Anatomy, terrible!”

Shingo /mumbles. “It’ll look better when I paint it.”

Usagi /enthusiastic. “I’m sure it will!”

Usagi /mutters to self. “It would _have_ to.”

### SATURDAY: The Exhibition!

Luna: “It’s not being held at an Ackbar’s.”

Ami: “This is the only lead we have, though.”

Usagi: “Where the hell is Rei?”

  


Nephrite: “Congratulations, Mrs. Kayama.”

Mike’s Mom: “Thank you! I’m sorry my daughter’s not out to greet you, but she’s locked in her room obsessed over finishing the tenth doll.”

Nephrite /can’t quite conceal his smile. “That’s _fine_ , I’m sure I’ll see her later.”

  


Mika has “evil makeup”, which looks just _wrong_ on a little kid. And the evil doll is watching all the time.

### THE AFTERNOON WEARS ON:

Ami is “in disguise.” She’s got a bright orange peasant blouse, a long and heavy spinach-colored skirt, an orange-spotted headband, and a basket for Luna.

Ami: “I saw someone with a dog earlier, I could just carry you in on my shoulder.”

Luna: “I’m sorry, dear, but I don’t want to be associated with your fashion sense.”

Ami: “Why’s everyone complain about my clothes?”

Luna: “After this, you _really_ need to take some time off with Rei. See her, over there?”

Rei has somehow scored a second date with Mamoru and is dressing to look a few years older. It’s quite a nice blouse-jacket-miniskirt-earrings ensemble, and displays her legs to good effect.

Mamoru /is bored as hell.

Rei: “What, you aren’t interested in cute and creepy porcelein dolls?”

Mamoru: “Er… well…”

Rei: “¡Oo! Let’s look at the display of miniature 17th-century European fashion accessories.”

Mamoru: “So long as I don’t have to _buy_ anything.”

### BUT THEN:

They walk right by Nephrite, who's mingling. Both men's Spider-Senses start tingling.

Nephrite /double-take.

Mamoru /odd feeling.

Nephrite /stares at Mamoru.

Mamoru /blankly looks back.

Nephrite: “…”

Mamoru: “Do you want something?”

Nephrite: “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

Rei /checks out Nephrite’s ass as he departs, then spots Usagi. “Huh, ¿wonder what she’s doing here?”

### FINALLY:

Mika: “THE LAST ONE – COMPLETE!”

The Evil Doll starts writhing and chuckling and warping the light, while Mika dances with inhuman abandon around it to its eerie pipings.

{Enter Usagi and Shingo, unawares.}

Shingo: “Mika, I wanted to JESUS CHRIST!”

### FUCKING SCARY TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER: **3**

### AN EVIL MANNIKIN IS SUMMONED!

Shingo: “Mika! I’ll save you!”

Mannikin /flings Shingo into a wall, knocking him unconscious.

Mannikin /smashes Shingo’s sculpture to bits, completely gratuitously.

Usagi: “Okay, _fuck_ you!”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: **18**

Usagi into Disguise Form: 6

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 6

Rei into Sailor Mars: 4

### TADA!

Usagi: “I am the caked paint that ruins the wash of Crime, the sunlight that fades the color selections of Injustice, I AM SAILOR MOON! And I’m gonna kick your ass!”

Luna: “…”

Mannikin: “Are you done?”

Usagi: “Done talking, sure, but not done kicking your ASS!”

Mannikin: “Because I thought it would be polite to wait until you were done.” /gestures.

All the dolls in the room sprout shark’s teeth and attack!

Usagi: “Much obliged, I’m sure!” /runs like hell.

### OUTSIDE: The Battle begins!

Usagi /dodging those sharp little nippers. “Help me! Save me! Help me! Save me!”

Enter Sailors Mars and Mercury.

` **AMI : TECH > BUBBLE1 : ALL FOES ** `

Usagi: “Oh, SAVED! Thank you!”

Ami: “…It’s just what I always do.”

Usagi: “Thank you anyway!”

Luna: “NINE O’CLOCK HIGH!”

  


Shark’s-Tooth Dolls swoop in, aiming for the head!

  


Rei: “Hmm, ¿they’re picking up immunities now? Let’s try this.”

` **REI : TECH > EXORCISE : ALL FOES ** `

` Shark’s-Tooth Dolls are destroyed! `

Rei: “¡Facil!”

`MannikinArms grapples Usagi!`

`Usagi takes 97 damage! Usagi is choking!`

Rei: “¡HEY! No touching my girl, !puta!”

` **REI : TECH > FIRE : MANNIKINARMS** `

`MannikinArms are destroyed!`

`MannikinHands are intact. Usagi is still choking!`

Rei: “!Frell!”

`MannikinArms regenerate!`

Rei: “ _¡Dios!_ ”

  


`MannikinArms cast Wind Slash!`

`Ami dodges!`

`Rei takes 17 damage!`

Rei: “Just a hair cut, but AMI DO SOMETHING.”

Ami: “Stand by.”

Ami /powers up–

`MannikinArms cast Wind Slash!`

`Ami dodges.`

`Rei dodges.`

`MannikinArms cast Wind Slash!`

`Ami dodges.`

`Rei dodges.`

Ami: “Damn it, distract her for a moment!”

Rei: “¡Oye, I’m a decoy!”

`MannikinArms cast Wind Slash`

`Rei dodges.`

Ami /powers up her tricorder.

` **AMI : TECH > PEEK : MANNIKIN ** `

`Target point revealed!`

  


Ami: “Sailor Moon! You need to shoot the right foot! Press R to target–”

Usagi: “Which one is the right foot?”

Ami: “The right one!”

Usagi: “Yes, but how do I know–? oooooh, I get it.”

`MannikinHands squeeze tighter! Usagi takes 200 damage! Usagi is still choking!`

Usagi: “Urk… ack…”

  


Enter Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, armed with +3 blessed throwing roses!

` Usagi is freed! `

Mannikin: “Who are you? And are you free later?”

Tuxedo Mask: “Sorry, I’m spoken for.”

Usagi: “Damn right!”

` **USAGI : TECH > MOONTIARA : RIGHTFOOT ** `

`Mannikin is slain!`

`Usagi has levelled up! +1 INT gained!`

`Rei has levelled up!`

`Ami has levelled up!`

  


Usagi: “Did you really mean that?”

Rei: “¿Mean what?”

Usagi: “‘No touching my girl!’”

Rei: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Ami: “The fights are getting more intricate. I hope we get some new techniques soon…”

Luna: “Don’t look at me, I just hand out the equipment.”

### INSIDE:

Mika is restored. “Wha' happen–?”

Shingo wakes up!

Shingo /runs over to Mika. “Are you okay?”

Enter Sailor Moon, dramatically, and conveniently veiled by the curtain. “The creature is slain, and peace reigns once again in our fair city! Be excellent to each other, Shingo and Mika, and always stand true! YOIKS AND AWAY!”

Shingo and Mika: “AWESOME.”

### DENOUEMENT:

Mika presents Shingo with a painted resin sculpture of Sailor Moon!

Shingo: “Awesome! Sailor Moon is the BEST!”

Mika: “And what am I, chopped liver?” /exits in a huff.

Shingo: “The best _superhero_ , I meant, the best–! Frell. _Chicks_ , man.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point, poor Ami is just hitting the key macro every so often.
> 
> Rei: "¡FIRE SOUL!"
> 
> Usagi: "MOON TIARA ACTION!!"
> 
> Ami: "Sigh… Bubble Spray."
> 
> Usagi: "Come on, put more feeling into it, Mercury!"
> 
> Ami: "Bubble _Fucking_ Spray."
> 
> Luna: "Let her be, you know there's nothing to do when she gets like this."
> 
> Ami /leaning on Usagi's shoulder. "Okay, _there_ , now, shoot right _there_. Where I'm pointing!"


	20. EPISODE #19: Usagi is Thrilled! Tuxedo Mask's Love Letter.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The real start of the Naru/Nephrite arc. In which Tuxedo Mask fails to make a dramatic exit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally uploaded 15 SEP 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10914292>

### RECAP

"I used to live in a city of winter… and I still do, come to think of it. Tokyo, city of pleasure; Tokyo, city of killers. I have some protection from my place with the respected Moon Company. But death is always–"

"What are _you_ doing here?"

"Oh, hello, Dumpling-Head, do you record here, too?"

"GET OUT!"

### NEPHRITE'S EVIL MANSION: Good morning!

Nephrite: "Astro-babble, astro-babble, astro-babble. What is the Sailor Senshi's weakness?"

The Stars: "Pick a number from one to ten."

Nephrite: "…Four."

The Stars: "Tuxedo Mask. And now, recap footage."

Zoisite /appears. "Hello!"

Nephrite: "GAH!"

Zoisite: "Beryl wants you. And not that way."

### LENG:

Queen Beryl: "So… I hear you've been having problems."

Nephrite: "The universe was not created overnight."

Queen Beryl: "Allow to me explain the nature of an absolute monarchy: when I, the monarch, issue an order, I expect–"

Zoisite /giggles.

Nephrite: "CAN IT, PONYTAIL!"

Queen Beryl /snerk.

Nephrite: "I am one of the Great Four of the Dark Kingdom, and I don't need you breathing down my neck. I'm already working on a cunning plan to–"

Zoisite: "Hello, did Jadeite just come back into the room?"

Queen Beryl /cracks up. "Take it outside, boys."

### TSUKINO RESIDENCE:

Usagi: "ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG I got a letter from Tuxedo Mask! 'Darling! I love you more than anyone else. Meet me at the Microsoft Store in Shinjuku tomorrow night. XOXOXOXO Tuxedo Mask.'"

Luna: "Why the heck would Tuxedo Mask send you a letter?"

Usagi: "Because he loves me!"

Luna: "How the heck did he learn you were Sailor Moon?"

Usagi: "Because he loves me!"

Luna: "How do we know if he's even on our side?"

Usagi: "He loves me! He loves me!"

Luna: "But why would he invite you to the frikkin' Microsoft Store? Why aren't you listening to me? Why am I even bothering to try? Why? Why? Why?"

### SCHOOL THE NEXT DAY:

A building collapses from the force of someone's scream.

Usagi: "EVERYONE got letters from Tuxedo Mask?"

Naru: "Every girl in the district. Do you know him?"

Usagi: "…Apparently NOT."

Naru: "I hope it's Masato Sanjoin, the wealthy and eccentric tennis coach. He's _dreamy_."

Ms. Haruna: "Ladies, this is obviously a prank, a child abductor, or a desperate man with no taste, and I'm sure we're all clever enough to _not_ respond to the invitation."

Class: "Yes, Ms. Haruna."

### CUT TO: Ami in a gym uniform.

Luna: "Look, help me confirm my sanity—this _is_ suspicious, right?"

Ami: "I'll place Rei on standby."

### AFTER SCHOOL at the Video Arcade, Motoki fills in Mamoru.

Mamoru /points at the plushie toys in THE CRAW! machine. "So, Tuxedo Mask is _that_ one, right?"

Motoki: "That's the one. The merchandising machine is fast, isn't it?"

Usagi /wanders in. "Sigh."

Usagi: " _Dramatic_ sigh."

Motoki: "She isn't reacting to you with disgust. Something's terribly wrong."

Mamoru: "Wait, wait, let me guess. Everyone got one of those letters _except_ you."

Usagi /blubbers something about letters and Tuxedo Mask and infidelity and WAAAAAAH.

### REI'S PLACE:

Rei: "Well, I guess it's a good thing the letter's bogus, because I have the flu."

Ami: "I'll take care of you!"

Rei: "If that was innuendo, I'm too sick to respond."

Ami: "No, I'm just being dutiful."

### LATER THAT DAY: At the Microsoft Store.

Nephrite: "I can't think of a more fitting place for Sailor Moon to die than here."

Naru: "Er… excuse me? Mister Sanjoin? Remember me, from the tennis club?"

Nephrite /turns on the charm. "Why, of course, the little redhead with the killer serve. Considering upgrading to Windows 3.1?"

Naru: "I… er… Are you Tuxedo Mask?"

Nephrite /OH SHIT SHE KNOWS. "Eh-heh, why do you ask?"

Naru: "Just wishful thinking, I guess."

Nephrite /thinks. "Ah-ha! She's _could be_ Sailor Moon in disguise!"

Nephrite /leans forward. "You're the cutest girl at your school."

Nephrite /hand on Naru's shoulder. "I've been interested in you for a long–"

**OKAY! OKAY! STOP THE SCENE!**

Okay, I admit I've joked a little about Ami's bust and Rei's legs, but this scene suddenly spiked into the Just Plain Wrong Zone. Nephrite just bought himself a one way ticket to the Special Hell.

### AFTERWARD:

Naru's up on the roof, in a passionate transport.

Naru: "He likes me, he really likes me!"

### USAGI'S PLACE:

Usagi: "Okay, I could go off all half-cocked, but instead I'll do the reasonable thing and ask Tuxedo Mask for an explanation. Shut up, Luna! It makes perfect sense! Oh, wait, she's not here…"

Usagi: "Anyway: Usagi's Rules for Dating Etiquette:

#1: Wear clean underwear and a nice clean outfit.

#2: Wear a pleasant, non-offensive fragrance.

#3: Brush your teeth, just in case.

#4: Soft pink lip color for a neat, innocent look.

#5: Don't let yourself get caught up in ecstatic visions of your lover and miss the proper time."

### LATE, LATE THAT NIGHT:

The Shinjuku stores are starting to close.

But one store suddenly opens.

Naru /walks in. "Hello?"

Tuxedo Nephrite /dramatically. "HELLO!"

Naru /jumps for glee. "ZOMG it _is_ you it is you! Masato Sanjoin is Tuxedo Mask!"

Nephrite /?!?!?!

Nephrite: "How'd you know it was me?"

Naru: "…Your voice? Your stance? Your beautiful flowing red hair? The fact that the mask doesn't really hide your lovely face all that much?"

Nephrite: " _Obviously_ you're Sailor Moon in disguise! No one else could be so perceptive!"

Nephrite /casts spell. "REVEAL YOURSELF, SAILOR MOON!"

  
Nothing happens. 

  


Nephrite /?! 

Naru: "…Do you… want me to be Sailor Moon for you?" 

### OUTSIDE:

Okay, so who's the dude with the sign in the background? Is that the director, giving himself a cameo? 😉

Usagi: "I'm getting second thoughts, here… maybe I should have brought along the team."

Usagi: "…Nah."

Deedle-dee-da-deedle-dee-da-deedle-dee-da-dee!

Usagi: "Speak of the devil." /picks up the gizmophone. "Yello!"

Ami /on the phone. "Where are you and what are you doing?"

Usagi: "Well, I'm, er, sort of tracking down Tuxedo Mask."

Rei /grabs the phone. "¡BACKSTABBER!" (cough cough) "¡SNEAKTHIEF!"

Usagi /hangs up.

### INSIDE:

Nephrite /casts spell again. "I said REVEAL YOURSELF!"

Nothing continues to happen.

Naru: "What are you _trying_ to do?"

Nephrite /picks Naru up and shakes her. "WHY ISN'T IT WORKING?! Who are you? Why are you here?"

Naru: "…I love you."

ZAP! FOOSH! WHAM! The Energy Meter zips into the red, and Nephrite's in the position of someone suddenly scooping up a flood of gold coins.

Nephrite: "Wh-wh-wh-wh-WHOA! Where'd all this energy come from? Are you doing this?"

Naru /passes out.

Nephrite: "Okay, so she's not Sailor Moon, but _look at all this_ , this is _amazing!_ "

Usagi /walks in.

Usagi /turns around and walks right back out.

Usagi: " _That's_ not Tuxedo Mask!"

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: **19**

Usagi into Disguise Form: 6

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 6

Rei into Sailor Mars: 4

### AND, FOR THE FIRST TIME ON SCREEN:

Mamoru /was minding his own business. "What the hell?"

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 19

Usagi into Disguise Form: 6

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 6

Rei into Sailor Mars: 4

Mamoru into Tuxedo Mask: **1**

### SUDDENLY!

Usagi: "I am the terror that trips in the night!"

Nephrite: "What th–?"

The P.A. system starts playing Sailor Moon's power-up theme!

Usagi: "I am the out-of-order escalator that forces Crime to walk upstairs!"

Usagi /bursts in, dramatically lit! "I AM SAILOR MOON! And you, you imposter, are going to the Special Hell!"

Nephrite: "Okay, seriously, does the mask do nothing? You can really tell that quickly that I'm not Tuxedo Mask?"

Usagi: "Hey, I know you, you're what's-his-face, the rich tennis underwear model guy!"

Nephrite: "Oh, for crying out loud!" /unmasks, throws the old costume away. "So why can't I tell who _you_ are, when you don't even wear a mask?"

Usagi: "Because of the Power of _Love!_ "

` **USAGI : TECH > S.KICK : NEPHRITE ** `

`Nephrite has lost his hat!`

Usagi: "Masato Sanjoin, that was the name! I knew I'd remember it."

Nephrite /very serious. "I AM NEPHRITE–"

Usagi: "Who?"

Nephrite /very serious. " _I AM NEPHRITE;_ one of the Great Four of the Dark Kingdom, Nurb of Morris Minor, Guardian of the Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the–"

Usagi: "Shouldn't that be 'Noble'?"

Nephrite: "No, actually, it's 'Nobless', long story. AND YOU'RE IN MY TRAP!"

Usagi: "Oh no! More boxed text!"

`Nephrite summons Leo! `

Nephrite: "Who needs exposition? I think I'll tear you into little pieces!"

Usagi: "I don't care what you think!" /flees.

Usagi /trips.

Usagi: "Of all the _stupid_ times to–"

### BUT WAIT!

Enter Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, armed with +3 blessed throwing roses.

Leo /hides behind Nephrite.

Nephrite: "Who are you?"

Usagi: "What are you, dense?"

Tuxedo Mask: "He can't tell because I'm wearing a mask."

Usagi /points. "It's the _real_ Tuxedo Mask."

Nephrite: "…"

The P.A. system starts playing funky jazz music!

Tuxedo Mask /strikes _en garde_. "Shall we handle this like men?"

Nephrite: "No, I think I'll — _get out there, you! heel, damn it!_ — have my star-spangled lion tear your throat out."

` **USAGI : TECH > MOONTIARA : LEO ** `

` Leo is hit! No damage! `

Usagi: "Crap, it's immune! What's the plan?"

Tuxedo Mask: "Run like hell."

### THEY RUN! Right into an elevator.

Nephrite: "HA!"

Doors close and seal.

Nephrite /over the P.A. "How ironic that you will soon be killed by one of Earth's laws."

Tuxedo Mask: "Would that be the Law of Gravity, by any chance?"

Nephrite /over the P.A. "The elevator will soon drop, and you both will become _pancakes!_ "

Usagi: "I hate pancakes."

The elevator starts to ascend.

Usagi: "Since this will be our last minute in this life, we should make out."

Tuxedo Mask: "Or we could climb out the roof hatch."

### ON THE ROOF:

They bail out, of course, at the last possible moment. The elevator plummets.

Nephrite: "There's no _way_ they could have survived that fall!"

{Nephrite has left the scene}

Usagi /hangs on for dear life. "My arms! My poor arms!"

Tuxedo Mask /hangs on for dear life. "My legs! My poor legs!"

Tuxedo Mask /starts trying to climb up. "We should distract each other by talking about something."

Usagi: "Yes, because a hundred-foot-drop is a _perfect_ place to distract you."

Tuxedo Mask: "Don't remind me about the hundred-foot-drop."

Usagi: "Sorry! I didn't mean to remind you."

Tuxedo Mask: "Stop reminding me about the reminding about the–"

Usagi: "Right! Right! Changing subject now! Uh…"

Usagi: "Why do you always want to rescue me?"

Tuxedo Mask: "Dunno."

Usagi: "Who are you, really?"

Tuxedo Mask: "Dunno."

Usagi: "Do you like me?"

Tuxedo Mask: "Dunno."

Usagi: "What's your favorite color?"

Tuxedo Mask: "Dunno."

Usagi: "You're not very much of a talker, are you?"

Tuxedo Mask: "No, but I have an extending cane."

Usagi: "I noticed that. It's kind of hard to miss. Can you do a lot with it?"

Tuxedo Mask: "I haven't had any complaints."

Usagi: "Hmmm."

Tuxedo Mask: "I kind of feel like we've met somewhere before."

Usagi: "Me too."

Tuxedo Mask: "By the way, I can't pull us up any farther, and I'm about to lose my grip. Any last words?"

Usagi: "G–"

### BUT FORTUNATELY!

At the moment the elevator doors open, and Rei, Ami, and Luna pull them up to safety.

Ami: "Okay, _seriously_ , what were you _thinking_ going off alone?"

Usagi: "Wasn't!"

Ami: "Obviously."

Rei /is wearing a mask because of her illness.

Usagi: "Superpowers don't make one immune to the common cold, eh? Well _that_ sucks."

Rei: "I'll just say a few words here to prove that this is character development, and not a clever dodge to avoid the expense of animating lip flaps. See? The mask moves."

Usagi: "Oh, and thanks for saving us, you guys."

Rei /slap! "¡PUTA! Sneaking around behind my back and draping yourself all over him."

Tuxedo Mask: "Please don't fight…"

Ami: "Am I going to have carry Naru to the hospital by myself? Here, you, in the opera cloak, help me out here."

Tuxedo Mask: "Sorry, I have to disappear mysteriously."

Ami: "Well, go ahead, then."

Tuxedo Mask: "…"

Ami: "Well?"

Tuxedo Mask: "I can't do it if you're _watching_ me."

Rei: "¿Watching you do what?"

Usagi: "Yeah, what?"

Tuxedo Mask: "Look, just turn around, or go look in your pockets, or something. I'll go when you're distracted."

### BACK AT LENG:

Zoisite: "Nephrite fucked it uuuuuuuup."

Queen Beryl: "But _look_ at how much energy he brought back! A few more fuck-ups of _this_ sort and we'll be in business! Nephrite!"

Nephrite: "Yes?"

Queen Beryl: "You're off the hook today."

Zoisite: "BUT BUT BUT–"

Queen Beryl: "I can punish him any time I want. Now get back to _your_ post, minion."

### DENOUEMENT: Nephrite's Evil Mansion

Nephrite: "That was an _incredible_ amount of energy to get from just one person in such a short period of time. 'Love', eh? Well, I think I can use this foolish human emotion to my advantage. This cannot possibly backfire upon me in any way."

### Meanwhile, up on Mount Olympus:

The Gods are _laughing_ and _laughing_ and placing bets on how long he'll last before he takes his fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Later that night:
> 
> Small Business Owner Beryl: "Naru, I'm home! Naru? Hmm. Maybe she left voice-mail…"
> 
> Answering Machine: "Ms. Osaka, this is Gotham Hospital, please contact us immediately. Your daughter collapsed tonight in Shinjuku and is in the–"
> 
> Small Business Owner Beryl /!
> 
> Small Business Owner Beryl: "I *knew* this planet was dangerous! This is awful! But it's so hard to find good schools…"


	21. EPISODE #20: The Summer! The Ocean! Our Youth! And a Ghost, Too.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The haunted mansion episode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally Posted 16 SEP 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10922603>
> 
> _[Rehostening note: In hindsight, this episode feels a little like an early draft of the Tomoe family…]_

### RECAP:

Sailor Sailor Moon, here are you,  
You’re ready and you’re willin'.  
If we can count on you, Sailor Moon,  
I know we’ll catch that villain!

### THE MYSTERY MACHINE:

Yes, folks, we’re off to the beach! Fashion check:

No, no, no, actually, we’ve got continuity here! Usagi’s got her nice powder blue dress from before, Ami has added a straw hat to the Awful Orange Peasant Ensemble, and Rei, sensible as ever, is wearing hot pants and a T-shirt.

Rei: “Looks nice!”

Usagi: “‘Nice?’ It looks ‘nice’? It looks—Ami, help, here?”

Ami: “Fantastic? Beautiful?”

Usagi: “Yes! …I wish I could have brought Naru along!”

Rei: “So, uh, she’s out of the hospital, safe and sane?”

Usagi: “…I _assume_ so.”

Luna: “We are not here to have fun! This is a Team Building Exercise.”

Usagi /skips.

Rei: “A Team Building Exercise for which I—yes, I—rented a pension.”

Usagi: “A what-sa-whosy now?”

Ami: “European lingo, means vacation guesthouse, kind of between a hotel and a bed-and-breakfast. And now you know.”

Rei: “And this one has a private beach!”

Usagi /is distracted by visions of gorgeous men in thongs, and Tuxedo Mask windsurfing.

### LATER:

The sun is setting.

Usagi: “Are we there yet?”

Ami: “No.”

Usagi: “Are we there yet?”

Luna: “No.”

Usagi: “We’re lost, aren’t we? This is all _your_ fault.”

Rei: “¡Damn it, girl, you picked the path!”

Usagi: “And you trusted me? You _know_ I’m unreliable outside of combat.”

Rei: “…”

THUNDER! LIGHTNING!

Usagi: “I’m scared of lightning! And I’m scared of that mysterious cloaked figure lurking in the shadows!”

Ami: “It’s a cute little girl with flowers. Hello there!”

RAIN! RAIN! RAIN!

All: “Ack!”

### AND SO:

The cute little girl leads them to a safe place.

Ami: “Thank you for helping us, sweetie!”

Cute Little Girl with Flowers: 🙂

The building is revealed in the next LIGHTNING FLASH!

Usagi: “It’s frikkin' _Dracula’s Castle!_ Here, in the middle of Japan, or wherever!”

Rei: “It’s the Hotel Addams. ¡This is the place I booked!”

Usagi: “You have _got_ to be kidding me.”

Ami: “Looks like we have little choice in any case. Shall we make the trial?”

Ami /knocks.

BOOM BOOM BOOM.

Usagi: “What knockers!”

Ami /blush. “Oh, thank you.”

Usagi: “Eh? Oh, that’s quite all right.”

The door creeeeeeeeeeeaks open.

Vampiress /Moe. “Hello…”

Frankenstein’s Monster /Larry. “…Hello…”

Wolfman /Curly. “…Hello…”

All Three Monsters: “…Hello!”

Usagi: “Zoinks! M-m-m-monsters!”

Cute Little Girl with Flowers: “I’m home.”

Ami: “Monsters? Where?”

Rei: “Stop making a fuss, you’re embarrassing us.”

Herr Doktor Geller: “Sakiko! [i.e. Cute Little Girl with Flowers] You’ve been a naughty girl! To your room at once!”

Ami /is sad.

### USAGI'S ROOM:

Usagi: “I’m surprised we got separate rooms. Either this place is really really cheap, or Rei has more money than any of us suspected.”

Luna: “I’m ashamed of you, Usagi, carrying on like a terrified… nervous… _dog!_ ”

Vampiress /snakes head around corner. “Güd ewening…”

Usagi /!

Vampiress: “It iz time to diiiine…”

Usagi /flees.

Usagi /trips over Rei.

Rei: “Okay, I’ve had enough of this.” /pummels Usagi.

Usagi: “Ow! Ack! Ami, help!”

Ami: “…I’m staying out of this.”

Herr Doktor Geller: “SUCH NOISY PEOPLE. Sakiko! I forbid you from interacting with them!”

Sakiko: 🙁

### DINNERTIME:

OM NOM NOM NOM.

Frankenstein: “Would you and your cat like some more…”

Usagi /!

Frankenstein: “…wine?”

Wolfman: “Or some dessert?”

Usagi /!

Usagi: “For God’s sake, Rei, why did you book this creepy place?!”

Rei: “…”

Rei: “…”

Rei /shrugs. “It was cheap.”

Usagi: “I knew it.”

Ami: “The cooking is _excellent_ , and I think the costumes are funny!”

Wolfman: “Thank you! Those are our main selling points!”

Usagi: “I’ve heard of cosplay cafes, but a cosplay _hotel?_ And aren’t the servers supposed to be, like, cute girls or guys, instead of terrifying monsters?”

Frankenstein: “We admit business has been a trifle slow.”

Usagi: “Your boss must be out of her skull.”

Usagi: “She’s standing right behind me, isn’t she?”

Vampiress: “Yessssssss…”

### SUDDENLY!

A mysterious wailing and shrieking in the lobby! Cue theremin!

Usagi: “Okay, if you monsters are here, and we’re all here, that must mean…”

Vampiress, Frankenstein, Wolfman: “IT’S A REAL GHOST!” /hide.

Rei and Ami /kick down the door and come face to face with The Ghost.

Usagi: “You’re going the wrong way! The exit is _that_ way!”

Luna: “I’m with her on this one!”

Ami: “…Okay, so it really is a ghost. Youma?”

Rei: “I don’t feel that kind of aura… but there is _power_.”

### CUT TO:

Herr Doktor Geller: “You’re a good girl, Sakiko, a very good girl…”

He’s hypnotizing Sakiko! And she’s weeping as it happens.

And after pointing out the creepy undertones in the _last_ episode, the creep factor of _this_ scene leaps at you screaming. But let’s forget all that, because it’s…

### THE BEACH:

The next day. Continuity again – Usagi's got the same swimsuit as before, and Ami and Rei are in their colors.

Luna: “You did know what ‘private’ in private beach means, right?”

Usagi: “It means that no one else…”

Usagi /looks left.

You see an endless expanse of sand.

Usagi /looks right.

You see an impassable field of craggy rocks.

Usagi /looks ahead.

You see the rolling ocean, a distant ship on the horizon, and circling seabirds.

Usagi /deflated. “…will be here.”

Usagi /gamely. “But I’ll have fun anyway!”

Rei: “Ami, you brought your text books?!”

Usagi /seizes the text books.

Usagi: “Ami, quote the Book of Ecclesiastes, starting at chapter 3.”

Ami: “Uh… ‘To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under Heaven; a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to reap; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to sweep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance–’”

Usagi: “Exactly! You are fourteen, you are on a beautiful private beach on a beautiful sunny day with two beautiful young women, and that means _it is time to dance_.”

Ami: “…Heh. You’re right!” /tosses away the textbook. “Let’s have fun!”

Rei: “Dios mio, did I just hear Usagi frame a cogent argument?”

### FUN!

Rei /throws the ball at Usagi.

Usagi /falls down. “OW!”

Ami /throws the ball at Usagi.

Usagi /falls down. “OW!”

Luna /throws the ball at Usagi.

Usagi /falls down. “OW!”

Usagi: “When did it become Pummel Usagi Week?”

Luna: “Consider this part of your Anything Goes Martial Arts Training!”

Sakiko: /is watching.

### NIGHT FALLS.

Usagi: “Are you still there?”

Luna: “YES I’M STILL HERE.”

Usagi: “Sorry, I’m scared of the ghost.”

  


Rei /hangs prayer strips all about the dining room.

  


The Staff: “Mutter mutter plot plan.”

  


Ami approaches Sakiko. “Hello! I’m sorry, we weren’t properly introduced.”

Sakiko: “You’re Ami. I’ve been watching you. You have the Shinning.”

Ami: “It’s pronounced ‘Shining’, dear. You know, you remind me of how I was not so long ago, because you’re all sad and by yourself. The best thing to do… well, okay, a _good thing_ to do would be to become friends with Usagi. She’ll cheer you right up! Or drive you slowly mad. But it’s a fun ride, either way.”

Herr Doktor Geller: “SAKIKO! Don’t talk with strangers! YOU! You and your weird friends should get out of here quickly, if you don’t want to get into more frightening situations.” /drags off Sakiko.

Sakiko: “Owie! You’re hurting me, Daddy!”

### PRIVATE TIME WITH DADDY:

Herr Doktor Geller: “Sakiko! They laughed at me at the university, but once you learn to master your psychic powers, you will SHOW THEM ALL. Now! Hypnosis, to unlock the Inner Mind…”

Sakiko: “I don' wanna…”

Herr Doktor Geller: “Sleeeeeep. Sleeeeep.”

Ami /was spying, and saw the whole thing!

Ami: “Jinkies!”

### MEANWHILE…

Luna: “Hey, gang, let’s split up and search for clues!”

Usagi: “Zoinks! It’s a Black Mass!”

Frankenstein: “No, no, no, it’s an _Exorcism_.”

Vampiress: “Boo!”

Usagi /!

Vampiress: “I’m trying to scare away the _ghost!_ ”

Rei: “Well, it’s not going to work if you do it like that. You should use proper Shinto techniques–”

Suddenly, the sound system starts playing “The Banana Boat Song”, and poltergeist activity shatters the dining room to bits! The Shinto prayer strips have absolutely no effect.

Rei: “–but then again, what do I know?”

### BACK TO THE GELLERS:

Herr Doktor Geller: “Listen to my voice, Sakiko, scare all the mean people away!”

Ami: “Uh-oh.”

`Psychic Ghost is summoned! `

Herr Doktor Geller: “Huh. Looks just like your mother…”

`Psychic Ghost casts Force Burst! `

`Ami is blasted out the window!`

Herr Doktor Geller: “Excellent! …Why are you looking at me like tha–?”

`Psychic Ghost casts Force Burst!`

`Herr Doktor Geller is blasted out the window!`

### BACK INSIDE:

Luna: “Seriously, what the hell is going on?”

Usagi: “Rei, you idiot cheapskate, you should know by now to never trust a bargain!”

Rei: “Look, just power up, we’ll all be possessed if we don’t do anything!”

Usagi: “…Possessed? Since when?”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: **20**

Usagi into Disguise Form: 6

Ami into Sailor Mercury: **7**

Rei into Sailor Mars: **5**

Mamoru into Tuxedo Mask: 1

### OUTSIDE:

Herr Doktor Geller: “Guilty! Guilty! My evil self is at that door, and I have no power to stop it!”

Ami: “Wake up, Sakiko!”

Sakiko /still in trance. “I don’t want to any more.”

` **USAGI : TECH > MOONTIARA : ESPER ** `

`There’s no there, there! No effect. `

`Psychic Ghost casts Force Burst!`

`Usagi is blasted into the bushes!`

`Rei is blasted into the bushes!`

` **REI : TECH > HEAL : SAKIKO** `

`Sakiko wakes up!`

`But the Psychic Ghost is still active!`

Ami /uses psychoanalysis. “She still harbors subconscious resentment! Hey, you, old guy – apologize!”

`Psychic Ghost casts Force Burst!`

`Ami is blasted into the bushes!`

Herr Doktor Geller /babbles something about apologies and lost time and his own issues and he’s so incredibly sorry, and tries to stand between Sakiko and the Id Monster.

`Sakiko casts Force Burst! `

`Psychic Ghost is dispelled!`

### DENOUEMENT:

Luna /explains to the hotel staff. “So you see, the ghost was really due to Old Man Geller, who was trying to scare people away from the hotel to resolve his own childhood traumas.”

Herr Doktor Geller: “And I’d have done it, too, if it weren’t for you darn kids. Thank goodness!”

Everyone laughs heartily.

  


Rei /throws the ball at Usagi.

Usagi /falls down. “OW!”

Ami /throws the ball at Usagi.

Usagi /falls down. “OW!”

Sakiko /throws the ball at Usagi.

Usagi /falls down. “OW!”

Usagi: “Are we having fun yet?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kang /drool. DO YOU THINK THE HUMANS SUSPECT
> 
> Kodos /drool. OF COURSE NOT MY CLONE SIBLING NOW REPLAY THE PART WHERE THEY HIT THE GIRL
> 
> Kang /drool. AT ONCE MY CLONE SIBLING
>
>> _Rei /throws the ball at Usagi._
>> 
>> _Usagi /falls down. “OW!”_
> 
> Kang /drool. HA HA HA
> 
> Kodos /drool. HA HA HA


	22. EPISODE #21: Protect the Children's Dreams! Friendship Linked by Anime.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the animators draw their friends, and Ami tries to solo Nephrite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted 19 SEP 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10936291>

### RECAP

Everybody sing!

“One of these days, I will find out the truth of love.  
Everything in this world will be mine.  
We’re bound together by friendship.  
It’s a thick bond.  
It won’t let anyone block me!  
I will go my own way!  
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Otaqueen!”

### TV COMMERCIAL

Movie Announcer Guy: “In a world of fear, one girl stands between the world and CERTAIN DEATH. That girl IS: **_Sailor V_**. Coming soon, from Toei Animation. (This movie is not yet rated.)”

Usagi: “Maaaaaaannnnnn, I wish they’d make an anime about me.”

Luna: “Anyone who would watch an anime about _you_ would have to be off the deep end.”

### SCENIC TOKYO!

Two animator chicks, walking to work and bitching about the director, who’s the kind of guy who wants things square but round, firm but also soft, active without losing that essential passive quality. You don’t know what I mean? Well, draw something, and tomorrow I’ll let you know if you got it right. Oh, and he has a kid.

I think it’s safe to assume that nearly every NPC in this episode is someone who worked in or near the Toei Animation studio during the production.

Animator chick #1 is named Kazuko, and has the “good girl” dress-hairband-bangs combo. Animator chick #2 is named Hiromi, and has the “bookish art-y girl” shortcut-two-tone-shirt-jeans combo. They’re old friends, or um-friends, depending on how you wanna spin it.

They drop a timing sheet, which JUST HAPPENS TO BE picked up by Ami.

Ami: “I’m late to cram school, so I’ll return it this evening.”

### NEPHRITE'S EVIL MANSION:

Wheel of Fate, turn, turn, turn; tell us the mortal that he shall burn! And the victim of today’s story is: **Animator Chick #2 Hiromi!**

Nephrite: “I’d better bring out my _toughest_ monsters for this one!”

### THAT NIGHT:

Ami is trying to find the studio, when _suddenly!_

A certain red Ferrari blitzes past, breaking several traffic regulations.

Ami /sees the driver. “Hey, isn’t that the wealthy and eccentric–? Wait a minute. _That’s Nephrite!_ ”

Ami /kicks herself for not getting the license number.

### AT THE NICELY-SKETCHED ANIMATION STUDIO:

Hiromi is working alone, late at night.

AC Hiromi: “GAAAAAAAAH.” /scribble scratch crumple crumple _fling_. “I just can’t get it right!”

AC Hiromi /leafs through AC Kazuko’s work. “And she’s doing so incredibly well! I mean, her stuff looks professional, and mine looks like so much amateur scribbling. …I think I’d better bring It out one more time.”

AC Hiromi /takes out The Pencil-Case.

### FLASHBACK!

High School Anime Geeks Hiromi and Kazuko, to celebrate their acceptance at Toei, went halvsies on an expensive “pro set” of pencils, and divided them between two matching pencil cases. HSAG Kazuko declared, “We have to promise to use them only for special occasions, so we have to get each other’s permission to untie the ribbon!”

 _And then they swore the Sacred Pinky Promise_ , which is only the most highest and hallowed of all girlhood oaths.

### WHICH IS WHY…

…when we leave flashback and finally open The Pencil Case we aren’t all that surprised to find out that AC Hiromi is down to the last stub of the last pencil, because she’s been using them on the sly.

### INCIDENTALLY

I’m pretty sure the young ladies were ripped off, because the “pro animator set” pencils have those reflective spiral coatings, and lemme tell you, those “fun” pencils are a pain to work with. The coating flakes off and makes it hard to sharpen to a usable point, and the graphite isn’t any better, and often a bit worse, than plain jane pencils or artist’s charcoal.

In case you’re wondering, I do most of my work with the good ol' Dixon Ticonderoga #2. I really should make fuller use of the other hardnesses, but the Ticonderogas are just so damn _handy_.

_[Rehostening note: I draw mostly digital these days… but when I use real materials, I still prefer the Dixon Tic #2 for pencilling.]_

### ANYWAY:

AC Hiromi justifies her breaking of the Sacred Oath thusly: “But I get so fired up when I used these pencils! And I don’t wanna get left behind!”

### ENTER NEPHRITE:

AC Hiromi: “Excuse me? You’re not on staff.”

Nephrite: “Miss Hiromi Matsuno? I’m a big fan of yours.”

AC Hiromi /pales as she realizes she is alone at night with an obsessed man twice her size.

Nephrite /steals her pencil.

Nephrite /then gives it back, but evil.

{Nephrite has left the scene.}

Hiromi: “…Phew.”

### OUTSIDE:

Nephrite is too cool to simply walk anywhere, remember.

Nephrite: _/appears_ in the doorway outside.

Nephrite: “Phase One complete; now I just need to lure the Sailor Senshi here–”

Nephrite’s car alarm goes off!

Ami is standing on top of his car, in Mercury form.

Ami: “Are you gonna come quietly, or will I have to bubble y–?”

Nephrite /ninja leaps!

Nephrite /takes his hands out of his pockets.

`Nephrite shoves Sailor Mercury!`

`Sailor Mercury falls off the car!`

Ami: /!

Nephrite /takes out his keys. *bip! bip!*

Ami: “…You hit me!”

Nephrite /climbs into the car. “This time you’re going up against my big hitters, so maybe you should get in a little more practice.”

Ami: “You actually _hit_ me! Like, physically, no magic or anything!”

Nephrite /drives off, tire squealing.

Ami /cough cough. “Well, _shit_.”

### INSIDE:

AC Kazuko: “I’m baaaaack! I brought take-out ramen. And, uh…”

AC Hiromi /is creepy.

AC Kazuko: “…If you’re practicing the facial expressions for the villain, you’ve got it down pat.”

Ami /knocks, steps in. “Excuse me? I think you guys dropped this earlier today–”

AC Kazuko: “Ah, good, that’s what happened to it! Thank you so much! Hey, Hiromi, wasn’t that nice of–”

{AC Hiromi has left the scene.}

AC Kazuko: “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s with her tonight.”

Ami /has already put all the pieces together. “Don’t worry, it won’t last long.”

### THE NEXT DAY:

School.

Luna: “Ami! You know better than to take solo action!”

Ami: “…yeah, yeah… I got excited, is all…”

Usagi: “You should have called me, I would have come like a shot!”

Luna: “…Really, you would have?”

Ami: “Ah- _ha_. So you could hope to cadge a signed cel from the company, am I right?”

Usagi: “…Am I really that easy to see through?”

Ami: “Yes, but we love you anyway. I’ll skip cram school and we can go ‘investigate’ this afternoon.”

Usagi: “YES!”

### THE STUDIO, DAYTIME:

 _Lots_ of people, hard at work.

Hiromi has been working all night.

AC Kazuko: “Wow! You’re on a _roll_. Good j–”

AC Hiromi: “I’ll be working in this office all day. Alone.”

AC Kazuko: “…”

AC Hiromi: “Kazuko will never be better than me as long as I have THIS PENCIL! BWAHAHAHA!”

And just as you were thinking, “Well, that won’t be very long, then,” the pencil _magically lengthens itself!_ Dun-dun-DUN!

### REI'S SCHOOL:

Rei, speaking on the gizmophone: “Dude, anime is for _little kids_ , I don’t want to go.”

Ami, via gizmophone: “Er… okay then? It’s only a minor case of probable _demon possession_ , I’m sure we’ll be fine…”

### BUT AFTER SCHOOL:

Late after school, it's sunset already.

Usagi: “You skip cram school, and then _I_ get held late. I hate my life.”

Ami: “I hate your life, too.” 😉

Rei /wearing pink overalls. “¿Well? ¿What are we waiting for? ¿What took you so long?”

Luna: “Usagi’s failing–”

Usagi: “Shush!”

Rei: “Heh.”

Ami: “You showed up?”

Rei: “Well, yeah. We’ve got our Sacred Mission and all, ¿right?”

Ami: “And what’s this in the bag you were trying to hide behind your back? Vellum sheets for autographs, plastic cel protectors, and a mint-condition VHS of _Fist of the North Star_.”

Rei: “…they’re for a friend.”

Ami: “I’ve been told that only little kids like anime.”

Rei: “¿Are you looking for a fight?”

Ami: “I’m just making conversation.”

### NEPHRITE'S EVIL MANSION:

Nephrite is kickin' back on the veranda with a little Jack Daniels, enjoying the ghosts.

Zoisite /just walks in. “You seem very relaxed.”

Nephrite: “There is an Earth custom called ‘knocking.’”

Zoisite: “You must be very confident in your current plan.”

Nephrite: “Reasonably so.”

Zoisite: “I want to see how this works out.”

Nephrite: “…”

Nephrite /stands up. “All right.”

### MEANWHILE, at the Studio…

Usagi and Rei /ZOMG TOTAL FANGASM SQUEEEEEEE

Ami /embarrassed. “Eh-heh. So, uh, has anything unusual been happening here lately?”

AC Kazuko: “Nothing that I can think of.”

AC Hiromi: “SILENCE SUB-CREATURES!”

AC Kazuko: “Geez, Hiromi, show a little class! The kids are here 'cause they like our work.”

AC Hiromi: “They’re here to get autographs and cel art to sell at conventions! The little fiends!”

Rei: “¡I would never sell my collection! I mean, uh–”

Ami: “So this is normal around here?”

AC Kazuko: “Huh? What?”

Some Guy: “Telephone for Hiromi. Telephone for Hiromi. Are you Hiromi? Telephone for you.”

Mister Director, via speaker-phone: “Great work, Hiromi, really great! Since I promised to let you direct the last scene, what have you come up with?”

AC Hiromi: “In the last scene, Sailor V _dies_.”

Everyone else in the studio: “SINCE WHEN?!”

Mister Director: “SHE DIES?!”

AC Hiromi: “That’s the kind of story a modern audience wants.”

Mister Director: “BUT-BUT-BUT—”

AC Hiromi /hangs up.

Everyone in the studio: “But the script! But the storyboards! This is the first we’ve heard of it!”

AC Hiromi: “Dude… it’s just a stupid anime. So what?”

Rei: “I SENSE EVIL.”

Luna: “Are you sure it’s not fan-rage?”

Rei: “I said EVIL. My little antennae do not lie.”

AC Kazuko: “Come on folks, calm down, I’ll handle th– Hiromi where are you _going?!_ ”

Usagi: “She’s going up to the roof! Oh, shit, she’s snapped!”

### QUICK! Up to the roof!

AC Hiromi: “You think I’m a talentless hack, don’t you? You’re always thinking you’re better than me, aren’t you? Well, my pencil and I are gonna _go places_ , and we’ll show THE WHOLE WORLD!”

AC Kazuko: “That’s a very interesting aura shimmering about Hiromi. I should have brought my sketchbook. Wait, hold that pose, I’ll just–”

Ami: “Oh for–!” /karate chops AC Kazuko.

AC Kazuko /K.O.

Ami: “ _Artists._ Sheesh.”

### ASTOUNDINGLY IAMBENT SUMMONING SEQUENCE!

Enter Castor and Pollux, two lovely lizard-like ladies, as envisioned by Kôsuke Fujishima.

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

And so as not to be outdone by the villains, we’ll throw in a spiffy split-screen “MAKE UP!” sequence, too!

Usagi into Sailor Moon: **21**

Usagi into Disguise Form: 6

Ami into Sailor Mercury: **8**

Rei into Sailor Mars: **6**

Mamoru into Tuxedo Mask: 1

### CUT TO: Nephrite's Evil Mansion.

Zoisite: “Twins?”

Nephrite: “Or something. They’re very close.”

Zoisite: “Hmm.”

Nephrite: “That’s the secret to their strength, you see. The Power of Friendship and all that. I figure if it works for all those shônen heroes, why not make it work for us?”

Zoisite: “Huh.”

Nephrite: “See, the twist in this whole plan is that the geek girl is actually just _bait_ to lure out the Sailor Senshi. Castor and Pollux are my two toughest minions, and I have no doubt they’ll wipe the floor with them.”

### JOIN BATTLE!

Castor: “To protect the world from devastation!”

Pollux: “To unite all people within our nation!”

Castor: “To denounce the evil of truth and love!”

Pollux: “To extend our reach to the stars above!”

Castor: “Castor!”

Pollux: “Pollux!”

Castor: “Gemini blasting off at the speed of light!”

Pollux: “Surrender now or prepare to fight!”

Meowth: “Meowth, that’s right!”

`Castor casts Fire Soul!`

`Sailor Moon takes 350 damage! `

`Sailor Mars takes 350 damage! `

`Sailor Mercury takes 700 damage! `

`Castor casts Bubble Stream! `

`Sailor Moon takes 350 damage! `

`Sailor Mars takes 700 damage! `

`Sailor Mercury takes 350 damage! `

` **USAGI : ITEM > FENIXDOWN : REI ** `

` **REI : ITEM > FENIXDOWN : AMI ** `

` **AMI : TECH > CURE 2 : ALL FRIENDS ** `

Rei: “¡They’re fuckin' copying our spells!”

Ami: “Except I haven’t even _got_ that spell yet! Damn it, I said we should have done more grind!”

Rei: “You said you had cram school!”

Usagi: “Hey, don’t panic, guys, it’s usually at this point that something breaks our way.”

Castor: “And now, Sailor Senshi, it’s time for me to finish you off!”

Pollux: “Hey, it’s my turn to do the finishing move!”

Castor: “Is not!”

Pollux: “Is too!”

Castor: “Is not!”

Pollux: “Is too!”

Castor: “Is not!”

Pollux: “Is too!”

Usagi: “See?”

Luna: “Will wonders never cease?”

Luna /cues up boombox. Dramatic 80s synthpop starts playing!

Luna: “Take 'em apart, girls!”

` **USAGI : TRIPLE-TECH > DELTA TIARA : ALL FOES >** `

Castor: “This is all your fault!”

Pollux: “We should have valued our friendship more!”

`Castor has been slain!`

`Pollux has been slain!`

`Usagi has levelled up! New technique mastered!`

`Ami has levelled up! New technique mastered!`

`Rei has levelled up! New technique mastered!`

### MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE MANSION:

Nephrite: “…the fuck?!”

Zoisite: “I enjoyed the show. 🙂 LOL”

{Zoisite has left the scene}

Nephrite: “‘Most powerful monsters’ my perfectly-shaped _ass_.”

### DENOUEMENT:

AC Hiromi, now sane, confesses about the pencils and her fear of being left behind—at the same time that AC Kazuko admits that she, too, has been using the pencils on the sly to try to keep up with AC Hiromi! Dawwwwwwww. And everyone in the studio applauds a happy resolution. (And the Sailors slip away during the celebration…)

Usagi: “Think we’ve earned a cameo in the movie?”

Luna: “I’m actually looking forward to it.”

Rei: “Where’s Ami?”

Ami: “Blowing bubbles.”

Usagi: “No new spell?”

Ami: “No new spell.”

Rei: “You think you’ve got problems. My _Galaxy Express 999_ T-shirt was _ruined_ in the fighting.”

Usagi: “That’s terrible! You want to borrow mine?”

Ami: “I just had a thought…”

Luna: “What?”

Ami: “Since this was the most ‘meta’ episode to date, does that mean that the mention of Sailor V’s death was foreshadowing?”

Awkward silence.

Luna: “…How about a little music?”


	23. EPISODE #22: Romance Under the Moon! Usagi's First Kiss.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Usagi is involved in a diplomatic incident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on 23 SEP 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10957659>
> 
> Usagi's first kiss? Shadowjack wagers 1 quatloo on it being Umino.

### RECAP:

"Once upon a time there were three beautiful girls who went to junior high school, and they were each assigned very boring duties. But I took them away from all that and now they work for me. My name is Luna.

### MORNING:

There's a traffic jam due to a police checkpoint.

Usagi: “LATE! Hey, maybe the bad traffic will excuse me–”

Usagi /trips over Naru.

Usagi: “Ha! Payback! …Hey, are you okay? You’ve been looking kinda peaked ever since you got out of the hospital.”

Naru /has deeply confused and contradictory yet nonetheless strong feelings about ‘Mister Masato Sanjoin.’

Usagi: “Okay, gotta get the spacey girl to school.” /drags Naru.

<h3?SCHOOL:

Usagi /dashes in just under the wire. “Made it! YES! No thanks to a certain person who’s usually on time.”

Naru: “…”

Usagi /waves hand in front of Naru’s face. “Hello?”

Umino: “Hello!”

Usagi: “Hello.”

Umino: “Tonight is the night of a fancy embassy ball in which the First Princess of the Diamond Kingdom is visiting Japan and being introduced to society!”

Usagi: “I don’t remember any ‘Diamond Kingdom’ in geography class.”

Umino: “They’re the world’s biggest exporter of precious gems!”

Usagi: “So, what, Botswana? Congo? Australia? Russia? Help me out, here.”

Umino: “And she’ll be revealing the Secret Treasure of the Diamond Kingdom, which has never before been shown to the public!”

Usagi: “Gosh, a secret treasure-Iiiiii just can’t work up the enthusiasm today. Naru! Are you okay?”

Naru: “I’m okay.”

Usagi: “Big party! Secret treasure!”

Naru: “I’ll let you know how it goes.”

Usagi: “…You’re _invited?_ ”

Naru: “Mom has a diplomatic pass, but she has business and can’t attend, so it’s my duty to represent the family.”

Usagi: “I didn’t know you were a foreign national.”

Naru /shrug.

Umino: “Well, there aren’t a lot of redheaded Japanese.”

Usagi: “Not a lot of blondes, either, but you don’t see _me_ complaining.”

Usagi: /shakes Naru. “BE EXCITED!”

Naru /shrug.

### TSUKINO RESIDENCE:

Luna's home alone.

Luna /cat sits on the newspaper.

Luna: “This isn’t as much fun when no one else is trying to read it, too.”

Luna /reads paper.

Luna /yawns. “Another week, another plot point.”

### LENG:

Queen Beryl: “This legendary diamond treasure could be the MacGuffin. Today, the MacGuffin, tomorrow, THE WORLD! BWAHAHAHA.”

Zoisite: “I volunteer!”

Nephrite /appears. “I’ll handle it.”

Zoisite /splutters indignantly. “You’re the one always whinging about job definition! Finding the Crystal is _my_ job!”

Nephrite: “But Earth is _my_ jurisdiction. I’ll handle it.”

Queen Beryl: “You finding it would be a pleasant surprise. Your plan?”

Nephrite: “I have my own way of taking care of business. Just watch me.”

{Nephrite has left the scene.}

Zoisite: “Majesty! He’s failed every time! Why are you letting _him_ do it?!”

Queen Beryl: “Because it’s more _fun_ this way!”

### SOON AFTER, IN LENG:

Zoisite is crying to 'daddy'.

Zoisite: “…and then that _bitch_ stole my job right out from under me! It’s not fair, Master Kunzite!”

Kunzite /dramatically shadowed, long white hair, etc. “Patience, Zoi, patience. We can deal with Nephrite any time. Let’s see just how skilled he really is.”

### OVER AT THE TEMPLE:

Luna: “This princess might be the princess we’re looking for!”

Usagi: “Oh, come _on_. Just because they’re both princesses…”

Ami: “We can’t completely ignore Luna’s intuition.”

Phobos: “Yeah, she only tried to kill you on accident _once_.”

Usagi: “But it’s an embassy ball! There are guards and cameras and fences!”

Rei: “¡Stop restating the obvious!”

Usagi /cries. “Damn it, someone has to play Ms. Exposition! Don’t pick on me!”

Rei: “¡Stop crying!”

Ami /makes a Diplomacy check. “Okay, well, then let’s find a staging area _close_ to the ball and stand ready for an opportunity to get closer.”

Luna: “Good idea! Right, Rei, Ami, Usagi, we meet in front of the embassy at 2000 hours.”

Deimos: “And we birds will, uh, stay here, then.”

### BACK HOME TO PREPARE!

Luna: “Usagi, you need a more passionate sense of duty!”

Usagi: “Yeah, yeah– hey, Dad, what’s with the tux?”

Dad: “I’m off to the Embassy Ball!”

Usagi: “NO FAIR. You’re not taking me? You’re not taking Mom?”

Dad: “Remember, I’m a magazine reporter–”

Luna: “Oh, so _that’s_ what he does!”

Dad: “–so I’m there as part of the press corps. See you tomorrow morning!”

Luna: “Speaking of which, I haven’t seen your Mom at all this episode.”

Usagi: “Bridge club.”

Usagi: “Hey, Luna, I’ve got a cunning plan.”

Luna: “Those words have come to fill me with dread.”

Usagi /disguise pen. “MAKE ME A PRETTY PRINCESS!”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 21

Usagi into Disguise Form: **7**

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 8

Rei into Sailor Mars: 6

Mamoru into Tuxedo Mask: 1

### TADA!

Usagi is now in a flouncy pink gown with roses and gloves and even a parasol.

Luna: “You have been waiting, _dying_ for the justification to say those words, haven’t you?”

Princess Usagi: “Yup!” /flounce flounce flutter.

### CUT TO: A mist shrouded castle.

Tuxedo Mask is here.

Mysterious Princess with Familiar-Looking Pigtails: “SEEK YE THE AMULET OF YENDOR!”

Tuxedo Mask: “What?”

### SUDDENLY:

Mamoru wakes up!

Mamoru: “That weird dream _again?!_ ”

### THE EMBASSY:

Crowds of rubberneckers, TV crews, and Rei and Ami holding hands.

Princess Usagi /does the princess wave as she walks by.

Ami /?

Rei /¡!

Doorman: “Invitation?”

Princess Usagi /blusters. “I’m Princess Toadstool of the Mushroom Kingdom! Step aside!”

Doorman /looks it up in his book. “Okay, is that under ‘Mushroom’ or–? Where’d she go?”

### THE BALL!

Cue up some waltz music, if you please.

It really _is_ a proper ball, with masquerade and waltz and the works, just as advertised.

Usagi /has no words.

  


Nephrite: “Excuse me, miss. Are you alone?”

Naru /!

Nephrite: “May I have this dance?”

Naru /blush. “…sure, okay.”

Nephrite: “You’ve made my day!”

They dance.

  


Usagi: “Hey, Naru’s found a partner, lucky girl!”

Dad /snaps photos of Usagi. “Gee, she looks just like Usagi; I wonder if Usagi will be that beautiful when she grows up.”

Princess Usagi /notices the camera, and tries to strike a pose without looking like she’s posing.

Princess Usagi /stumbles into someone and gets a drink spilled all over her dress.

Princess Usagi /cries and flees to the powder room.

Dad: “Acts a lot like my daughter, too.”

### ELSEWHERE IN THE EMBASSY:

Tuxedo Mask has broken in.

Tuxedo Mask: “If this treasure is the MacGuffin, maybe it will reveal to me my identity.”

Princess Usagi flounces past in her pretty princess dress.

Tuxedo Mask: “Now where have I seen her before?”

### A QUIET MOMENT ON A SECLUDED BALCONY:

Naru and Nephrite holding hands.

Naru /heart aflutter. “He’s so wonderful. I don’t care what happens to me anymore.”

Nephrite: “You are like a star shining in the heavens. Look into my eyes.”

Naru: “Oka–”

`Nephrite casts Energy Drain!`

`Nephrite casts Soul Split!`

Naru now has glowing blue eyes and purple skin!

Nephrite: “Naru Whateley, you are now under my control!”

Evil-Naru: “What would you like me to do first?” 😉

### BACK TO THE BALLROOM:

Princess Usagi /wallflower. 🙁

Tuxedo Mask: “Would you care to dance?”

Princess Usagi /!

They dance.

Princess Usagi: “This isn’t a dream, right? The last half-dozen times have been dreams!”

Tuxedo Mask: “I don’t _think_ it’s a dream, but I’m not really qualified to judge.”

Princess Usagi: “Well, either way… this isn’t the first time, is it?”

They dance. The crowd parts to let them dance, people whisper excitedly “Who are they?”, the musicians put extra effort into it to support the moment. The ballroom scene of all your favorite costume musicals.

### UPSTAIRS:

Princess Diamond, who looks an awful lot like Umino: “Gawd, I’m so ugly, they had to announce this Secret Treasure thing just to get anyone to show up. I hate my life.”

### OUTSIDE THE DOOR:

It's about to get worse.

Bodyguard #1: “No admittance.”

Evil-Naru /brushes him aside. “Nonsense! I’m a close personal friend of Princess Diamond.”

Princess Diamond: “I don’t have any close personal friends but come in! Come in! Can I get you anything?”

Evil-Naru: “The Secret Treasure and YOUR SOUL.”

The evil spirit leaves Naru and possesses Princess Diamond!

Naru collapses.

Bodyguard #2: “Damn it! We should have known it was a trick!”

Princess Blood Diamond /seizes the Treasure. “MINE! MINE! ALL MINE! BWAHAHAHA! MINE! MINE! MINE!” /runs away.

### THE BALLROOM:

The Embassy security alarm goes off and Royal Diamond Hussars start hustling to defense stations.

Princess Usagi: “Frell.”

Tuxedo Mask: “What the hey?”

Luna: “The Princess has flipped her wig and is trying to jump off the balcony!”

Nephrite (down in the garden): “Throw me the Treasure!”

Princess Usagi: “Don’t jump, Princess!”

Princess Blood Diamond /trips Princess Usagi, sending her over the rail.

Tuxedo Mask /dramatic SAVE at the last moment!

Princess Blood Diamond /pushes Tuxedo Mask, sending HIM over the rail.

Tuxedo Mask /is caught by his cape.

`Luna uses Jujutsu!`

Princess Blood Diamond is down!

  


Nephrite: “Tuxedo Mask, you’re always in my way! Just think you’re lucky to die with a beautiful princess!”

`Nephrite casts–`

` **REI : TECH > FIRE SOUL : NEPHRITE ** `

Nephrite: “Gah!” /stop drop and roll.

Rei: “¡My Tuxedo Mask will live on forever!”

Princess Usagi: “ _Your_ Tuxedo Mask?”

Tuxedo Mask /beginning to slip. “Um… ladies?”

Nephrite /assumes kung fu pose. “En garde!”

Luna /throws parasol to Usagi just as she and Tuxedo Mask begin to fall.

  


It’s a _magic_ parasol.

Princess Usagi: “Safe!”

Tuxedo Mask /adjusts tie.

Nephrite: “Shit!” /flees.

Tuxedo Mask: “Hup!” /runs after–

Ami /clotheslines Tuxedo Mask. “HOLD IT, bub!”

Tuxedo Mask /tries to get around her. “He’s getting away!”

Ami /won’t let him leave. “Yeah, and who the hell are you?”

Tuxedo Mask: “That’s a _very good question._ ”

Ami /crosses arms, stands firm.

Tuxedo Mask: “All right, to tell you the truth… I don’t know.”

Ami: “…”

Ami: “Fair enough. Are you on our side, at least?”

Tuxedo Mask: “Miss, I don’t even know if I’m on _my_ side. Excuse me.”

Tuxedo Mask /ninja leap.

Usagi: “Isn’t he just the cutest thing?”

Ami /slap. “Oh, just go and transform already!”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: **22**

Usagi into Disguise Form: 7

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 8

Rei into Sailor Mars: 6

Mamoru into Tuxedo Mask: 1

### A MOMENT LATER:

Nephrite is hiding in an alley.

Nephrite: “Well, that didn’t go according to plan. Come back to life, my other self!”

  


Wait, ‘other self’? So, like, he was actually inside Naru while he was controlling her?

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww…

### INSIDE THE EMBASSY:

All is confusion, and what would you expect? The Princess went crazy then was judo thrown by a cat, the inner garden is on fire, one of the guests just turned into a Sailor Senshi, and–

–and the Princess just stood up.

Dad /snaps another picture.

Princess Blood Diamond: “Aï SHUB-NIGGURATH! Aï FNAR CTHAGHA!”

`Princess Blood Diamond casts Dark Wave!`

Everyone falls unconscious.

The three Sailors bust in!

Usagi: “We are the terrors that trip in the night!”

Ami: “We are the drunken gatecrashers at the house party of Crime!”

Rei: “¡We are the diplomatic incident that sparks war in the homeland of Injustice!”

All: “WE ARE THE SAI–”

Princess: “THE TREASURE IS MINE! MINE! MINE! ALL MINE!” /jumps off the balcony.

Luna /?!

### OKAY, OUTSIDE THE EMBASSY:

Usagi: “Make up your damn mind, Princess!”

` **REI : TECH > EXORCISE : PRINCESS** `

`Princess Blood Diamond reverts to Princess Diamond!`

Princess Diamond collapses!

`subNephrite is summoned!`

Ami: “Holy shit, it’s Nephrite!”

Usagi: “…How can you tell? I just see a purple-and-red squiggle.”

Rei: “Trust us, ¿okay?”

`subNephrite casts Dark Wave!`

`Usagi is immobilized!`

`Ami is immobilized!`

`Rei is immobilized!`

Rei: “¡Dios! ¿What can we do against such power?”

Ami /sighs.

`AMI : TECH > BUBBLE2 : ALL`

`Dark Wave is countered!`

Rei: “Oh, right.”

Ami /wan smile.

Usagi: “I am the terror that trips in the night! I am SAILOR MOON! And don’t cut in on our lines again, you _bastard!_ ”

` **USAGI : TECH > MOONTIARA : SUBNEPHRITE** `

`subNephrite is destroyed!`

`Usagi has levelled up!`

`Ami has levelled up! New technique mastered!`

### HIGH-FIVES ALL AROUND!

Usagi: “Hey, Bubble2? That’s good, right?”

Ami /shrug.

Rei: “Hey, the Princess looks kind of cute without her glasses on.”

Usagi: “She’s not black, so I guess she’s not Botswanan or Congolese. Do Australia or Canada have princesses?”

Ami: “Not as such, no. Maybe ‘Diamond Kingdom’ is one of the former Soviet states.”

Princess Diamond: “My glasses? Where are my glasses?”

Luna /hands her the glasses. “Here you go.”

Princess Diamond /puts them on. “Thank you.”

Luna: “Are you the Moon Princess?”

Princess Diamond: “TALKING CAT! TALKING CAT!” /flees.

Luna: “I guess not.”

Usagi: “Oh, Christ, does that mean that Umino might actually be a hottie if he takes _his_ glasses off?”

Ami: “I’m not gonna be the first.”

Rei: “¿Umino who?”

Captain of the Royal Diamond Hussars: “STOP RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE! HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! DO IT! DO IT NOW!”

### INSIDE THE EMBASSY:

Everyone wakes up.

Crowd: “Wha happen-?”

Dad: “My camera was busted! The scoop of the century and all the film was exposed! I am the unluckiest man in the world.”

  


Naru /wakes up. “I’m in a bedroom?”

Naru: “Did he slip me something?!”

Naru /checks, sees that she’s still fully dressed.

Naru /phew. “That’s not funny.”

Naru /thinks a moment. “…You know, if he’d _asked_ … I might have… well… maybe. Maybe not? I am confused and conflicted.”

### THE BIG REVEAL!

Lord Chamberlain of the Diamond Kingdom: “Ladies and gentleman, allow me to present our Secret Treasure: a 2,000-karet diamond statue of the Kingdom’s first princess.”

Tuxedo Mask /observes in secret. “Whew.”

Nephrite /observes in secret. “What a fucking waste of time!” /teleports home.

### DENOUEMENT:

Rei: “Hey, we’re inside the Embassy, now… ¿How’d we do that?”

Ami: “The guards are so busy looking for senshi and ninjas that they haven’t noticed a couple of extra debutantes.”

Luna: “Well, we’re back to Square One, I guess. Where’s the brat?”

  


Princess Usagi: “I’m exhausted. Time for some juice.”

Princess Usagi /drinks. “…That’s not juice.”

Princess Usagi /drinks some more. “…nice buzz, though…”

Princess Usagi /weaves a little.

Tuxedo Mask /helps her outside.

Tuxedo Mask: “Being around you like this… I’m _sure_ my memories will return.”

Princess Usagi: “Hmm?”

Tuxedo Mask /proves he is no gentleman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tuxedo Mask also costs Shadowjack 1 quatloo. For which I shall now exact petty, petty revenge:
> 
> ### CUT TO: A mist shrouded castle.
> 
> Mysterious Figure: “Sorry, Mamoru, but the Princess is in another castle!”
> 
> Tuxedo Mask /Italian. “At’sa no good!”


	24. EPISODE #23: Wish Upon a Shooting Star! Naru's Pure Love.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Naru's Mom appears briefly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted 25 SEP 2009 at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10964524>

### RECAP:

“Look! Up in the air!”

“It’s a bird!”

“It’s a plane!”

“No, it’s SAILOR MOON! Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, the amazing stranger from the Far Side of the Moon—SAILOR MOON! Sailor Moon, endowed with remarkable agility, fights a never-ended battle for Truth and Justice, while disguised as mild-mannered junior high student Usagi Tsukino.”

### A SWIMMING POOL:

Naru is in a lover’s distraction, thinking of _him_. But before she can finish her musical number…

Usagi /splashes Naru.

Naru: “Usagi, you’re such a child.”

Usagi: “You are too kind! …Wait, that was an insult. Oh-ho! So you’re a grown-up?”

Naru: “Why of course! Because I’m involved in a _mature_ romance.”

Usagi /dies.

Usagi: “Oh, god, please tell me it’s not Umino. And it had better not be Tuxedo Mask or Motoki, because in that case I would have to challenge you to a duel.”

Naru: “I said a _mature_ romance.” /blush blush. “It’s Mister Sanjoin.”

Usagi: “OH SHIT.”

Naru: “I beg your pardon. If you’re worried about the age difference, it doesn’t matter when you’re in love…” /music swells.

Usagi /cuts off music. “Stop that, stop that. Maybe it does and maybe it doesn’t, but you _do_ know that he’s a soul-sucking fiend, right?”

Naru: “He is _not_.”

{Naru has left the scene}

### CUT TO: The Temple.

Usagi /explains.

Rei: “Tell her ASAP.”

Ami: “Wait and see.”

Usagi: “Easier said than done.”

Ami: “Which one?”

Usagi: “Either one!”

Rei: “¿You want us to get involved?”

Usagi: “…”

Luna: “…Well?”

Usagi: “Don’t worry, leave everything to me!”

Luna: “When you say that, I know I have to worry.”

### LENG:

Queen Beryl /slams down the phone. “DAMN that Nephrite! He’s not answering his phone! What the fuck is he playing at?!”

Zoisite: (to self) “Dead man walking. I almost pity him…”

### NEPHRITE'S HAUNTED MANSION:

Nephrite: “I don’t have time right now to worry about stealing energy.”

Zoisite /just happens to drop by. “Queen Beryl is _hopping_ mad.”

Nephrite: “Fuck off back to Kunzite!”

Zoisite: “Aw, but I want to play games.”

Nephrite: “Here’s a game for you: first of us to find the MacGuffin wins.”

Zoisite: “BUT THAT’S MY JOB!”

Nephrite: “Think I care? Whoever brings it in will have all sins forgiven. Frankly, I could use the help.”

Zoisite /flees in tears.

Nephrite: “GOD he irritates me. Okay, let’s do this thing. Hear me O stars! Where is the MacGuffin?”

### IT'S ASTROLOGY TIME!

Wheel of Fate, turn, turn, turn, tell us the mortal that he shall burn! And the victim of today’s story is: **NARU**.

Nephrite receives a Shard of the Dark Crystal!

Nephrite: “What does that girl have to do with finding the MacGuffin?”

### ZOISITE RUNS HOME TO KUNZITE:

Kunzite /comforting arm. “There, there, dear. Let 'em do what he wants. We can always kill him and steal the crystal _back_.”

Zoisite: “I hadn’t thought of that.”

Kunzite: “Which is why I’m the master and you’re the subbie. Have one of the monsters handle the details, and then change into something more comfortable.”

Zoisite /purrs. “Yes, dear.” /snaps fingers. “You there! Sic 'em!”

### NARU'S PLACE:

Usagi can’t bring herself to ring the doorbell.

Luna: “Come on, Usagi, woman up!”

Usagi: “Remember, I’m the Queen of Procrastination! Let’s go ask Motoki for advice, instead.”

Luna: “I’ll go home and fret, instead.”

### THE VIDEO ARCADE:

Motoki is flirtatiously assisting Noa Izumi in how to play _Sailor V Dash_.

Usagi /!

{Usagi senses a presence she has not felt since–}

Usagi: “He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?”

Mamoru: “It’sa me, Mamoru!”

Usagi: “Frell.”

Mamoru: “Hey, Motoki! You’re neglecting your girlfriend, here.”

Usagi: “I’m not his girlfriend! I mean, I wouldn’t mind being his girlfriend, I mean, I’d love to, but, oh, howabout I just shut up now?”

Motoki: “My shift’s almost over, wanna get a cup of coffee or something?”

Usagi: “(Yeah, _now_ you ask me.) Yes, actually, I wanted to ask your advice on something.”

Mamoru: “I’ll chaperone.”

Usagi: “Okay, fine, whatever.”

### LE CAFE:

Usagi /explains.

Motoki: “Wait and see.”

Mamoru: “Tell her ASAP.”

Usagi: “This sounds strangely familiar.”

Mamoru: “Look, telling the truth is a form of courage, right? Even if it hurts her, you’re acting in her best interests to prevent worse hurt.”

Motoki: “Well put. Can I change my answer?”

Usagi: “I guess it’s a consensus then! Thank you both! And now I’m hungry. Waiter! One of everything on the menu, please. You guys want anything?”

Mamoru /sotto voce. “…I didn’t bring my wallet.”

Motoki /sotto voce. “Well, you distract her, and I’ll run for help.”

Usagi /has good ears. “Don’t be silly, boys, this one’s on me! I’ve been _saving my allowance_.”

### NARU'S PLACE:

Usagi /doorbell.

Naru: “Oh, hello, Usagi!”

Usagi: “Okay Naru here’s the deal I know you have a totally major crush on Mister Sanjoin but his real name is Nephrite and he’s Pure Evil from the Eighth Dimension and will probably devour your soul and I can’t tell you how I know this but I swear to High Heaven and Low Hell and all Nine Planets that’s it’s true it’s 100% doubleplus 24-karet true and you should totally never try to see him again and run away screaming if you do or maybe mace him or something and I know it’s a lot to take in all at once but I know you’ll do the right thing okay love you bye-bye!”

Naru: “…”

### TSUKINO RESIDENCE:

Usagi: “Who’s awesome? I’m awesome! How awesome? So awesome!”

Luna: “And what did she say next?”

Usagi: “…”

Luna: “You mean you–”

Luna /facepaw. “You just spilled your speech then _left?!_ What were you thinking?!”

Usagi: “I was thinking it would be an awfully short episode if we resolved the conflict right there and then!”

Luna: “Oh, come on, this is actually a pretty good episode. You didn’t need to resort to padding. We can always replay the transformation footage if we need to do that, that’s what it’s _for_.”

Usagi: “Oh. Right. Oops.”

### NARU'S PLACE:

Naru: “Usagi’s probably right but _he’s so **gorgeous!**_ ”

Naru’s Mom: “Naru, dear, a telephone call for you from a strange man!”

Naru: “ZOMG YES!” /picks up. “Uh-huh. Yes. The park? I’ll be right there!”

Naru’s Mom: “You’re not going anywhere until you–”

Naru: “OKAY MOM LOVE YOU BYE!”

{Naru has left the scene.}

Naru’s Mom /?!

  


And, ladies and gentleman, let us mark our first true sighting of Naru’s Mom in the entire series (since the first sighting was a shapeshifted demon). Naru’s Mom, we salute you!

### OFF TO THE PARK!

Nephrite: “Sorry to bring you here on such short notice.”

Naru: “I don’t mind.” 🙂

Nephrite: “Alas, my sweet! I must bid you farewell. There are forces who want me dead, and I cannot risk you being caught in the cross-fire. Good-bye, dear Naru, good-bye!”

Nephrite /bumps into a bugzapper, spoiling his exit. He covers for it admirably by striking a gallant pose.

Naru: “Gosh, is there _anything_ I can do to help you?”

Nephrite: “I need the MacGuffin. Little silver crystal, about yay big.”

Naru: “Mom’s got one.”

Nephrite: “Really?”

Naru: “I’ll be right back!”

Nephrite /MUAHAHAHA!

  


I suppose this defenestrates the “Naru’s Mom is actually Queen Beryl” theory, since why would Queen Beryl send people looking for something _she already knew she had?_

Unless she was just being a dick.

Which is a strong possibility.

### SHORTLY THEREAFTER: Naru's Mom's office.

Naru’s Mom: “Naru, why have you stolen my keys, broken into my office, deactivated the security system, opened the safe, and placed the rare Silver Crystal in your pocket?”

Naru: “Um… I’ll tell you later?” /flees.

### DOWN THE STREET:

Luna: “Never leave a human to do a cat’s job. I can break Naru’s heart in two seconds flat, you watch me. Then I purr and rub and put it back together with a few minutes of lap time. Easy.”

Usagi: “How about you just lend me moral support while I tell her?”

Naru’s Mom /frantic. “Usagi! Have you seen my daughter?”

Usagi: “Oh, shit, please tell me she didn’t just elope with ‘Masato Sanjoin.’”

Naru’s Mom /franticker. “She eloped with Masato Sanjoin?!”

Usagi: “Right, you go that way, Luna and I’ll go this way, and we’ll _find her_ , okay? Okay!”

Naru’s Mom /frantickest. “Okay!” /dashes off.

Usagi: “This looks like a job–” /ducks into a phonebooth. “–for Sailor Moon.”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: **23**

Usagi into Disguise Form: 7

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 8

Rei into Sailor Mars: 6

Mamoru into Tuxedo Mask: 1

### MEANWHILE at the Park.

` **Nephrite > Use dark crystal shard on silver crystal.** `

`You can’t do that.`

` **Nephrite > Rub dark crystal shard on silver crystal.** `

`I don’t know how to do that.`

` **Nephrite > Tap dark crystal shard on silver crystal.** `

`I don’t know how to do that.`

` **Nephrite > Xyyzy.** `

`Nothing happens.`

Naru /BLISS.

`The Dark Crystal Shard begins to glow!`

Nephrite /?!

Nephrite: “Why does it work when you’re around? Would you come with me, please, I have to test something…”

Naru /BLISSER.

`The Dark Crystal Shard glows brighter!`

### BUT WAIT!

Usagi: “Naru, don’t go off with that man!”

Nephrite /very serious. “Please don’t interfere in my business.”

Naru: “Sailor Moon? Why are you here?”

Usagi /points at Nephrite. “J’Accuse!”

Naru: “No! It can’t be! Tell her it’s not true!”

`Nephrite casts Meteo!`

`Sailor Moon takes damage.`

Naru: “I guess I should take that as, ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is, my darling Naru.’”

### BATTLE IS JOINED!

`Nephrite casts Meteo Swarm!`

`Sailor Moon saves and takes halved damage.`

Usagi: “Tuxedo Mask, HELP!”

Luna: “Get ahold of yourself!”

Usagi: “Sorry, regression under stress!”

`Nephrite casts Starlight Attack!`

`Sailor Moon dodges, barely!`

Ami: “Hold it right there!”

Rei: “¡I didn’t have a chance to taunt you properly last time!”

Nephrite: “I’ll send you all to Hell together!”

`Nephr–`

` **AMI : TECH > BUBBLE1 : NEPHRITE** `

Nephrite: “Oh, no.”

` **REI : TECH > FIRE2 : NEPHRITE** `

Nephrite /stop, drop, and roll.

Naru: “Sanjoin!”

Nephrite: “This is a battlefield! What are you still doing here?”

` **USAGI : TECH > MOONTIARA : NEPHRITE** `

Naru /jumps in the way!

Nephrite: “Are you _crazy_ , kid?!”

Usagi /!!!

` **USAGI : CANCEL** `

` **USAGI : CANCEL** `

` **USAGI : CANCEL** `

` **USAGI : CANCEL** `

`Moontiara attack is cancelled!`

Usagi /phew!

### TIME-OUT!

Usagi: “Naru, please get out of the way.”

Ami: “Naru, we can’t let him go, his crimes are too great.”

Rei: “¡Move so I can kill him!”

Nephrite: “They’re right, kid, get out of the way!”

Naru: “NO! YOU’LL HAVE TO KILL ME FIRST!”

Ami: “For goodness' sake _why?_ ”

Naru /weeps. “Because I love him! With all my heart!”

The Dark Crystal Shard powers up!

Nephrite: “What is this thing called love?”

Rei: “¿This funny thing called love?”

Ami: “Just who can solve its mystery?”

Usagi: “Why should it make a fool of me?”

### SUDDENLY!

Some sort of strange oni bursts in, dramatically!

Oni: “No singing!”

Nephrite and Oni slap fight!

Nephrite /drops the Dark Crystal Shard!

Naru /grabs the Dark Crystal Shard!

`Oni attacks Naru!`

`Nephrite attacks Oni!`

Naru /faints, for some reason.

Oni: “You’re defending a human? TRAITOR!”

`Oni uses Drill Horns!`

Nephrite /raises eyebrow. “‘Drill Horns?’”

Oni: “Drill Horns!”

Oni /bzzzzzzzzzzz.

Usagi: “Who’s attacking whom, here?”

Rei: “Well, shoot somebody. I’m out.”

` **USAGI : TECH > MOONTIARA : ONI** `

Oni: “I regret nothing!”

`Oni is slain!`

### DENOUEMENT:

Nephrite: “What is this strange, unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach?”

Usagi: “It’s called _guilt_ , you bastard.”

Nephrite: “Look, I’m giving the crystal back, okay? The favor is returned. Everything reset to zero. Hell, I didn’t even lie to her, technically.”

Ami: “Don’t you have a heart?”

Nephrite: “Not human.”

Rei: “But all asshole.”

Nephrite /gets irritated. “You know _nothing_. All we want is the MacGuffin–”

Luna: (to self) “That name rings a bell…”

Nephrite: “–because once we have it, THE WHOLE WORLD will be ours. So go ahead and play your little superhero games, girls, laugh it up, have fun, because it doesn’t matter worth a damn. Because we’ll win, and that’ll be it, lights out. Enjoy yourselves.”

{Nephrite has left the scene.}

Naru /wakes up. “What did I miss?”

Usagi: “Shut up and pray.”


	25. EPISODE #24: Naru's Cry! Nephrite Dies For Love.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the one where Nephrite dies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted 25 SEP 2009, at <https://forum.rpg.net/index.php?threads/in-which-i-watch-sailor-moon.468442/post-10965005>
> 
> Okay, _seriously_ , people, don’t spoil the episode in the frelling _title_. I know, I know, the question is _how_ he dies, but still, at least try to _hint_ a little.

### CICADAS!

Which in an anime context inevitably make me think of Evangelion.

Which is, however, appropriate, because Naru is sunk in an utter depression.

Naru: “…”

Usagi: “Maybe you should try forgetting him.”

Naru: “I can’t.”

Usagi: “Yeah.”

Naru: “Aren’t you in love?”

Usagi: “…Yeah.”

Naru: “Then you understand.”

Usagi: (thinks) “But my crushes haven’t tried to steal anyone’s soul.”

Usagi /says nothing, because she is slowly learning wisdom.

### MEANWHILE, NEPHRITE...

...is experiencing guilt, the gift that keeps on giving.

Nephrite: “Why did the Dark Crystal Shard react so strongly? Is that the power of love?”

Nephrite /thinks about what utter trust this mortal child has placed in him, and how little he deserves it.

Nephrite /tries to focus on the matter at hand. “Okay, Sailor Moon knew her _by name_ … so she must know Sailor Moon’s true identity, somehow.”

Zoisite /is spying. “MmmmMMMmmm! So _there’s_ the crystal shard!”

### NARU'S PLACE:

Naru is sleeping, alone and unprotected.

Enter Nephrite.

The Dark Crystal Shard begins to shine!

Nephrite /peeks through the bedroom curtains. “There it goes again… I wonder… Could the MacGuffin be something _inside_ a human body?!”

Nephrite /uses crystallography to scan Naru.

  


Naru is _completely exposed to him._

  


Nephrite: “…No, that’s not it.” /turns to go.

Naru /wakes up.

Naru /recognizes the silhouette through the curtains.

Naru: “Mister Sanjoin!”

Nephrite: “My name’s Nephrite, actually; I don’t want to lie to you any more. Just sit and listen a moment. You’re a wonderful girl. You’ve taught me what love is — we don’t have it at home, just incessant backstabbing for advantage. I thought that was normal, but you’ve opened my eyes. I think I might want to switch sides and fight with Sailor Moon. What do you know about her?”

Naru: “…Only what I see in the news.”

Nephrite: “You don’t trust me.”

Naru /weeps. “I really don’t know!”

Nephrite: “…I see. I’m sorry to have bothered you.”

Naru /rushes to the window and flings open the curtains!

But he’s gone.

Naru: “It was _not_ a dream!”

### BUT OUTSIDE:

Nephrite is watching in secret. “I’ll spy on her until she reveals the secret.”

### BUT ALSO OUTSIDE, A LITTLE FARTHER ON:

Zoisite is watching in secret. “I’ll spy on him until he lowers his guard.”

Zoisite: “…I can’t believe he’d fall in love with a human girl.”

Dryad Ninja #1: “Are you bothered more by the human part, or the girl part?”

Zoisite: “Oh, I know he doesn’t swing my way, girls, I just like needling him about it. He’s so _easy_ to needle.”

Dryad Ninja #2: “Want we should kill 'im now?”

Zoisite: “No, he’s too formidable a warrior to tackle directly. Take the girl hostage; we’ll negotiate.”

Dryad Ninja #3: “Righto.”

Dryad Ninja #1: “Say, maybe he’s actually not in love with her, but has some other motivation for hanging around.”

Zoisite: “Dear, don’t forget: I’m the brains of this operation, you’re the muscle.”

### TSUKINO RESIDENCE:

Mom: “Usagi, phone for you!”

Usagi: “mutter grumble middle of the night need my beauty sleep Hello?”

Pause.

Usagi: “HELLO?”

Naru: (over the phone) “Usagi? You’re the only one I can talk to.”

Usagi /is suddenly wide awake. “What is it?”

Naru (over the phone) /explains.

Naru: (over the phone) “I don’t why, I just thought – call Usagi. She’ll know what to do. Maybe I’m going crazy.”

Naru (over the phone) /starts crying.

Luna /shoots Usagi a significant look.

Usagi /shoots it right back.

Usagi: “Naru? Are you okay? Naru?”

### BUT:

Nephrite was spying. “‘Usagi’?”

### AND SO!

Luna and Usagi, sprinting down the road!

Luna: “Hurry up!”

Usagi: “I only have two legs!”

Suddenly! The road starts warping and shifting with strange arcane energies.

Usagi: “Incoming demon!”

### STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: **24**

Usagi into Disguise Form: 7

Ami into Sailor Mercury: 8

Rei into Sailor Mars: 6

Mamoru into Tuxedo Mask: 1

### TADA!

And the strange warping ceases.

Usagi /?

Nephrite /dramatic entrance. “MUAHAHAHA! You have revealed yourself, Sailor Moon! Very clever, disguising yourself as a clumsy teenager with bad grades, but not clever enough to fool me!”

Usagi: “Yes, it’s a _disguise_.”

Usagi /bows formally. “As we are both members of the secret magic-wielding community, I humbly request that you not reveal my secret identity to anyone else.”

Nephrite: “You revealed _mine_.”

Usagi: “I’m not putting the make on your underage friends.”

Nephrite: “I’m _not_ putting the– You know what, just die already.”

`Nephrite casts Meteor Swarm!`

`Several times!`

When the smoke clears, Usagi is crouched behind the molten remains of a police call box, about the only thing left standing on this stretch of road.

Suddenly! Enter Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, armed–

Nephrite: “–with +3 blessed throwing roses.”

Tuxedo Mask: “I challenge you!”

Nephrite: “I accept.”

Suddenly! Nephrite hears a cry on the wind.

Naru: (from very far away) “Mister Nephrite! SAVE ME!”

Nephrite: “…”

Nephrite: “But I have pressing business elsewhere. YOU! I’m not done with you, ‘Usagi Tsukino’, if that _is_ your name.”

{Nephrite has left the scene.}

Usagi: “OH JEEZ he knows who I am!”

Tuxedo Mask: “Never give up!”

Usagi: “You always say that!”

Tuxedo Mask: “That’s 'cause it’s true!”

Exit Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, with swirl of cape.

Usagi: “Sigh.”

### NARU'S PLACE:

One of the Dryad Ninja is carrying off Naru.

Luna /!

Nephrite /flies in the window.

Ransom Note: “GIVE US THE CRYSTAL SHARD OR YOUR GIRLFRIEND DIES.”

Nephrite: “She’s not my girlfriend!”

Nephrite: “Who cares about her anyway?”

Nephrite: “…”

Nephrite: “…”

Nephrite: “…”

Nephrite: “ _Damn_ it.”

### AND SO:

The really _bad_ side of the town, in the seediest, dingiest joint imaginable: an abandoned saloon where they once played shameless ragtime music!

Naru is handcuffed to the wall.

Dryad Ninja #1: “Think he’ll really come?”

Dryad Ninja #2: “If he doesn’t, we’ll just kill her.”

Dryad Ninja #3: “I love my job.”

Nephrite /just walks straight in.

All three Dryad Ninja are stunned.

Dryad Ninja #1: “…Don’t just stand there, kill him!”

`Dryad Ninja #1 casts Fire Pills!`

`Nephrite dodges!`

`Dryad Ninja #2 casts Sonic Wave!`

`Nephrite saves and resists!`

`Dryad Ninja #1 casts Fire Pills!`

`Nephrite saves and takes half damage!`

`Nephrite punches Dryad Ninja #1.`

`Dryad Ninja #1 is down!`

`Nephrite punches Dryad Ninja #2.`

`Dryad Ninja #2 is down!`

`Dryad Ninja #3 uses Energy Thorns!`

`Nephrite dodges!`

`Nephrite uses FUCKING SWORD!`

`Dryad Ninja #3 surrenders!`

Nephrite: “That’s right. Tell Zoisite I don’t like his method of negotiating.”

Nephrite /looks at Naru. She can’t read the expression on his face.

### SOON AFTER:

Nephrite is carrying Naru away.

Naru: “…Thank you.”

Nephrite: “Don’t thank me. I don’t even know why I did it. You know, I’ve been lying to you all along, and probably will again. It’s my job.”

Naru: “I know. I don’t mind, so long as you’re close to me.”

Nephrite /feels uncomfortable in the presence of unsolicited trust.

Naru: “Is that green stuff blood? You’re hurt!”

Nephrite: “…Just a scratch.”

Naru: “Over here, into the bushes. It’ll be out of sight. Take your jacket off. Lie down.”

Nephrite: “Er… okay?”

Naru /tears her clothes to make a bandage. “I took a first aid course.”

Nephrite: “…Good work.”

Naru /bandaging. “In San-Chome, there’s a place that makes really good chocolate parfaits.”

Nephrite /has no idea where this conversation is going.

Naru: “I always wanted to go there one day… with you.”

Nephrite: “…Sounds nice, actually. Let’s do it some time.”

Naru: “Really?!”

Nephrite /looks at her sadly as he realizes just how much his approval means to this kid.

Naru: “When should we go? Does the Dark Kingdom give you Sundays off?”

Nephrite /cracks up, and can’t stop laughing.

Naru: “HA! Gotcha.” /laughs 'til she cries.

### BUT SUDDENLY, NINJAS!

`Dryad Ninja #3 uses Energy Thorns!`

``

``

`Nephrite is critically wounded! Nephrite suffers energy drain!`

Dryad Ninja #1: “Give us the crystal, and we’ll let the girl go.”

Nephrite: “Naru, _run_.”

Naru: “NO!” /pulls on the thorns.

Dryad Ninja #3: “You’re only human, you haven’t the strength to–”

Naru’s hands are burned, she’s blinking sparks from her eyes… but with the strength of ten Narus (plus two), she pulls the thorns from Nephrite’s body.

Nephrite and all three Dryad Ninjas: “Impossible!”

Dryad Ninja #1: “Okay, fine then, kill 'em both!”

`Dryad Ninja #1 casts Fire Pills!`

``

``

`Nephrite shields Naru with his body!`

### WHEN THE SMOKE CLEARS…

Zoisite /picks up the crystal. “Not your wisest move, Nephrite.”

Nephrite /gasp cough bleed. “…no kidding…”

Zoisite: “Have fun with them, girls.”

{Zoisite has left the scene.}

Nephrite /cough bleed gasp. “Run!”

Naru: “NO!”

Nephrite: “Damn it, this is no time for heroism. Look what it got me.”

Usagi: “That’s right! Leave it to the professionals! I AM SAILOR MOON!”

Dryad Ninjas: “It’s them!”

Ami: “I AM SAILOR MERCURY! Stand under a waterfall and meditate on your crimes!”

Rei: “I AM SAILOR MARS! I shall– ¿wait, what? ¿waterfall?”

Dryad Ninja #1: “Hit 'em!”

### BATTLE IS JOINED!

`Dryad Ninja #3 casts Energy Thorns!`

``

Usagi dodges, barely! Ami dodges! Rei dodges!

``

Dryad Ninja #2 casts Sonic Wave!

``

Usagi saves and resists!

``

Dryad Ninja #1 casts Fire Pills!

``

**< AMI : TECH > BUBBLE1 : ALL FOES**

``

`Fire Pills is neutralized!`

Ami: “Target on my mark—FIRE!”

` **DUAL-TECH > FLAMETIARA : ALL FOES** `

Triple split-screen reaction shot! “Noooooo–!”

`Dryad Ninja #1 is slain! Dryad Ninja #2 is slain! Dryad Ninja #3 is slain!`

``

Usagi has levelled up!

``

`Ami has levelled up!`

### THE AFTERMATH:

Nephrite /bleed gasp cough. “Well, Sailor Moon, it looks like your identity remains a secret.”

Usagi: “…Please don’t die.”

Nephrite: “Thanks. Naru, looks like I’ll miss that date.”

Naru: “No…”

Nephrite: “I’ve been lying to you to the very end; please forgive me.”

Naru: “No…”

Nephrite: “I can’t say I love you as you love me, but I will say this…” /touches her face. “…I’m glad I met you.”

Nephrite /sags in her arms.

Naru: “NO!”

  


Nephrite is dead. His body disperses into millions of shimmering motes, which return unto the stars which he followed to this pass. Naru tries to catch the motes, but how do you stop the water from rising to the clouds?

Naru is utterly heartbroken.

Not one of the Sailors is unmoved. All weep openly.

Naru /a bitter cry. “This isn’t fair!”

Luna /sorrowful voice of experience. “Death never is.”

And so it goes.


End file.
